* * *
When Ben woke that afternoon, he found himself alone in his boss’s bedroom and felt almost sick with disorientation.When he wandered back across the bridge over the swim lane to the main part of the house, he took a shortcut through another suite of rooms to find the TV room.He came across Squeezy and the man called Tim.They were pressed together against a wall.They were kissing.Even in Ben’s wildest imagination he couldn’t have called that a buddy-buddy kiss.You didn’t rub your crotch against your friend for any reason.You didn’t murmur in pleasure and share tongues with a mate either.
They didn’t see him.
He backed off silently.Finding himself in the vast kitchen, he leant against a counter, his heart beating over-fast in his chest.
“What’s wrong?”
He turned, his boss was standing there watching him.He had no idea what to say.Did this man know?Surely he couldn’t.Squeezyfor fuck’s sake.What the hell was this?He licked his lips and shook his head.“Nothing.”
Nikolas regarded Ben thoughtfully.He suddenly pushed off the table he’d been perched on and strode over the way Ben had come in.He opened the door, spat out, “For fuck’s sake, you two!”and then slammed it shut.
Staring intently at his shoe, Nikolas muttered, “It repulsed you.”
Ben couldn’t tell whether this was a question or a pretty obvious bloody statement of fact.“Yeah!What d’ya fucking think?Squeezy?Since when?”
Nikolas shrugged.“The jury is still out on that one.”
“You think this is funny?Sir.I mean.Sorry.”Ben hung his head.Nikolas came nearer.
“A lot can change in ten years.Is it that shocking?”
* * *
Nikolas wondered if his face was white.He’d actually felt the blood drain from it.Ben lifted his eyes.The piercing green was almost the only colour in the chrome, industrial kitchen.Suddenly, the green seemed to intensify—liquefy.Ben scrunched up his face.“I don’t know what to think about any of this.Who the fuck am I?What am I doing here?Squeezy…” He dashed away a tear, which had escaped the lockdown scrunch of his face.Nikolas came a little closer.
Suddenly he pulled Ben into a hug.He felt a huge surge of resistance until there was none at all so he tightened his grip.He didn’t run his fingers into Ben’s hair or rub his back.He just held him and murmured, “Everything is still the same and will wait for you until you can remember.Nothing here can hurt you.This is your home.We’reyour home.”
Ben pulled away but it was a gentle easing apart.He stared at Nikolas, his eyes flickering quickly, scanning Nikolas’s features.He nodded and took a breath.“There’s stuff you’re not telling me, isn’t there?”
Nikolas hesitated for a moment.“Doctor Gillian concluded your memory loss is a protective mechanism your brain has thrown up to prevent you being hurt by…well, memories, I suppose.”
“You know what these things are—the things I don’t want to remember?”
“Yes.I do.”
Ben’s eyes widened.“Is it Squeezy being gay?”
Nikolas actually laughed, and he hadn’t thought he’d be doing that for a long time to come.“Why don’t you go and watch a movie.Just relax for a while.”
Ben nodded and ground the heel of his hand into his eyes.The gesture almost undid Nikolas.But Nikolas Mikkelsen had reserves of strength rarely tested these days.He called on them now, and they responded.Merely patting Ben on the shoulder as any boss might do to a favoured employee, he selected a couple of bottles of wine from the rack and ushered Ben in to watch something mindless on the eighty-four-inch TV they’d recently bought together on the understanding Ben didn’t try to explain to Nikolas anything about resolution or pixels, and Nikolas didn’t tell Ben the price.Again, such thoughts didn’t help Nikolas’s equanimity.He sat back on the sofa just outside Ben’s range of vision as he fiddled with the remotes.He could hear faint sounds from the rest of the house—Tim’s voice on the telephone, Squeezy bringing a car around.The two men going out.These normal sounds of their life passed Ben by.
Suddenly, Ben clicked pause and hung his head for a moment before leaning back in the sofa.“I was thinking, sir.”He turned to Nikolas to see if he was listening and then continued, “What happens when I remember what I’m forgetting?—this thing you alleged happened.Won’t I just…lose it all again?If it’s that bad?Repress it again?”
Nikolas twisted around a little on the sofa so he was sitting sideward, facing Ben.“I don’t know.Would you like me to ask Andrea Gillian?”
“What’s that from?”
Ben’s eyes had drifted to one side, to the scar on Nikolas’s cheekbone.
Nikolas smiled faintly.“We both have a lot of scars.Have you not seen this one yet?”He laid a finger very briefly on Ben’s thigh, his whole hand tingling from a touch Ben didn’t even register.
“Where, what?”Ben immediately fumbled for his zip, and before Nikolas could choke out a horrifieddon’t do thathe’d lifted his hips and slid his jeans down to his knees.Nikolas rose swiftly from the sofa and went to take the DVD out of the machine, randomly stabbing at buttons, because that was Ben’s job and he didn’t know how to work it.Nikolas’s job was to comment on the movies, giving Ben the benefit of his wisdom.
“Fucking hell!Look at that!I’ve taken a piss, course, but I didn’t lower…How did I get this?”
Nikolas turned slowly and saw only the familiar body, the smooth, taut brown skin he’d licked from ankle up.Ben was tipped to one side examining the scar and his buttocks were firm beneath his shorts, hard, moulded.And, of course, tipped to one side, in loose boxers, not much of importance was hidden.Nikolas could see Ben’s large cock, heavy and semi-hard.He forced his gaze to the scar.
