“I think I’d want youleadingmy cause.You’re the ultimate poster boy for the new model army.”He pouted ruefully.“Perhaps it’s the ultimate proof of what you call fate—that you’re a warrior, that you’re so charismatic and beautiful.And that you are, in fact, gay.”
A silence fell between them.For two men who’d joined their bodies in the most intimate way two men can for over eight years, it was something of a revelation for both of them to realise this was the first time they’d ever discussed these things.Ben had never seriously been called gay before.It was as much of a shock for him to hear it as it had been for Nikolas to be called a faggot.And it was Nikolas calling him this.It was hard to think of a response.What do you say when the man you sleep with calls you gay?Hesitantly, he challenged, “Whatever I am then you are as well.”
Nikolas sighed and began to stroke Ben’s thigh with his thumb, staring down at this small joining and not at Ben.“I don’t think so.I…” He lifted his eyes as if to gauge the likely response to his next words then sighed again and seemed resigned to nothing he added being well received.“I had a unique and unfortunate introduction to sex, Ben—as you know.I don’t think my thoughts on any of this are relevant.”
Ben licked his lips.“So you only sleep with me because you were raped when you were a child.Is that what you’re saying?”
His words fell like glass to the hardwood floor and broke apart between them.Ben reckoned if anyone was listening to this conversation, they might not understand the Danish, but they’d be a fool if they missed the resonance of those words.
Nikolas only took hold of Ben’s face once more, ignoring the slight pull away, holding even tighter.“I meant exactly the opposite, and if you didn’t understand that, then I’m sorry.I meant after everything,everything—and there’s still much I haven’t told you about my life with Sergei and after in the prisons—after everything I choseyou.There are six billion people on this planet, and the only one I want is you.And that’s nothing to do with you being a man.It’s justyou.”
“And I’m a…man.”
Nikolas frowned.“Well, yes, obviously.What has that to do with being gay?”
The thought flickered across Ben’s mind that in all these years when he’d been in awe of Nikolas’s intellect and apparent self-awareness, he had in fact been sleeping with a total idiot.His stomach rumbled loudly.They both looked down, and the moment to confront Nikolas was lost.
They swiftly made use of the showers and joined the rest of the men back downstairs for food, Nikolas probably still believing his total fixation with Ben and Ben’s body was akin to his addiction to nicotine—a direct result of his unfortunate childhood—and Ben only glad to tell himself that, as they slept together, if Nikolas wasn’t gay then he couldn’t possibly be either.
* * *
They learnt more about Doctor Fergus Atwell that night, for he joined them for dinner.Nikolas was surprised no one else seemed to find this incongruous, given he’d set them up for a beating.He reckoned the insidious process of redefining the enemy was working.Fergus was now seen as one of them—a good guy—versus the bad guys…everyone else.For the first time, the psychologist told them more of his story—of his partner, Will.
Will hadn’t been murdered for being gay, which Nikolas was half-expecting to hear, but his wife had divorced him, and he had no access to his three children—because he was gay, Fergus claimed.Will had also been passed over for promotion—because he was gay, Fergus again claimed.Nikolas wondered whether he could blame a recent nosedive in the price of gold on Will being gay, because it had seriously inconveniencedhim.Nikolas had little sympathy for people finding excuses for things not being how they wanted them to be.You made your own destiny in life.But Fergus’s story sparked a number of other similar tales from the men in the group: bitterness at how life had treated them because of their difference.Ben, Nikolas noticed, kept quiet.He appeared thoughtful, and Nikolas wondered what Ben might be thinking he’d missed out on in life because of his preferences in bed.Nikolas hadn’t forgotten the moment Ben had seen a picture of himself as a little boy and declared that if he had a son he would look just like that.He pressed his knee to Ben’s, his brows raised questioningly, and Ben murmured in Danish,
“Notice the group is dividing?”
Nikolas frowned.He hadn’t.He’d been too focused on Ben—as usual, he reflected with some amusement.Ben nodded subtly to demonstrate this division.
“See, John and Mark aren’t joining in complaining.Neither is Samuel.”
“So?”
“Well, don’t you think it’s utterly incongruous after what we’ve seen all day?Complaining about someone being rude on your Facebook page?Being passed over for promotion?Come on!It’s hardly being stoned to death, is it?”
“You think this is another test?”
“Damn right I do.I don’t think Will even exists.He’s a construct to test commitment.I don’t want shallow, weak people who make excuses for their lives.I want men who…” He trailed off and studied a small thread on his jeans for a moment then raised his eyes to Nikolas.
“Did I just say that?”
“Just exactly what do you see this army of yours doing?Fighting injustice with flowing capes—rainbow coloured, of course?”
“Don’t make fun of it—of me.”
“I’m not.I was being serious.That’s what we’re being pushed into believing—that wrongs can be righted.That when good men stand up to be counted, evil is overcome.Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this is just the way things are?The way they’llalwaysbe.”
Ben didn’t seem convinced, or happy at this suggestion.
Another movie was starting.They couldn’t continue their discussion.
In this one everyone died of AIDS.
***
Chapter Fourteen
Even knowing he was being manipulated didn’t make Nikolas any less susceptible to the final day of the course.He was willing to allow himself to be carried along with the general consensus.Although he suspected Nikolas Mikkelsen wouldn’t be recruited for whatever was to come, he wanted Nigel Stannis to be.It was the whole point of them being there.
