That night, his few clothes unpacked into the old drawers, the doors open to the sea, Ben lay in the huge bed alone. Radulf, banned from the immaculate white cover, seemed happy enough in his basket on the floor. Ben felt again that huge sense of dislocation and hollowness he’d begun to feel every time he stopped moving, stopped going forward. He turned his head on the pillow to where Nikolas’s head would be lying if he were there. He could picture him down to the tiniest detail, the cluster of burn scars on his back he refused to explain, the pale inside of his upper arm which always seemed cool, his prominent collar bones, the hollow of his throat, his eyes…Sometimes, these looked as dark as the bitterest chocolate, but when the light caught them just right, they were amber, like a cat’s, watchful, predatory, beautiful. He put out his hand and placed it on the sheet just where Nikolas would lie. It was cool to the touch, smooth and empty. He closed his eyes to the emotion that was building and refused it. Then his phone buzzed. He hadn’t heard from Nikolas since he’d left for Denmark. He snatched it up and readSorry. Been travelling. How r u?
Ben hesitated then replied:Ok.
Not so good then
Not so good. How r u? How leg?
Leg? What leg? We are in dacha on Black Sea. It very hot.
How is he?
I tell u if things change
You b with me if things change
Yes
I have 2 go.
It was usually how Nik finished their conversations, not him, but he couldn’t say more. He put the phone aside and went out into the garden then opened the gate and walked onto the beach. The sea was fairly calm. He went down to the edge and stood in the cool water, his feet disappearing in the wet sand. This was the water Nikolas used to swim in every morning. The same water now around his feet…When he’d calmed and recovered himself, he wiped his face and went back to the house. He could hear his phone ringing and got to it just in time.
“Ben?”
He sat on the edge of the bed, his very recently recovered equilibrium gone. He couldn’t answer, because he knew his voice would break. He swallowed desperately and clenched his jaw. “Yeah.”
“I?I can’t talk long. It’s against our agreement.”
“I know.”
“But you’re okay?”
“Course.”
“I…I wanted to say Happy Birthday.”
Ben frowned then glanced at the clock. Just gone midnight. He was thirty years old. It was too much. His face crumpled, and he bit his upper lip, blinking.
“Ben?”
“I’m here.”
“Just, by the sound of it.”
“Yeah. Just.”
There was a muttered expletive and then silence. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”
Ben gave a rueful laugh. “I’m harder than I thought I would be.”
Nikolas laughed, too, and the tension between them eased. “That wouldn’t be a wise subject to visit, perhaps.”
“No.” He sighed. “Thanks for calling, though.”
“Of course. I must go.”
“Okay.”
“Ben?”
