They startle me, and I tryto pull away, but Sam doesn't release me.
"This doesn't have anythingto do with—"
"The hell itdoesn't."
I blink at him.
"You think you're to blamefor his accident, and you're not.And you broke my fucking heartbecause you were afraid of history repeating itself."
My lips twitch in themimic of a reply, but I don't actually have one.He knows me toowell.He knows fucking everything, and right now I hate that.There's no point in denying it, so I don't.Instead, I correct himon the part he got wrong.
"I am toblame."
Sam shakes his head, andsomething tells me he was expecting my response.I hate thattoo.
"It was a car accident,Rory.He made the choice to get into that car in that weather.I'mpretty sure you told me you did everything you could to prevent himfrom getting involved."
Exactly."I lied to him too.I told him Robin was still out of townso I could have time to file the police report early the nextmorning, so Robin would be arrested by the time he even woke up.But he read my text messages while I slept.By the time I woke up,he—" I choke on my own words.I can't finish the sentence out loud,but in my mind the words ring loud and clear—hewas dying.
"So you think you shouldhave been the one out on the road that morning instead."Sam seemsalmost offended.
"I…" I trail off.I don'tknow what to say.It's not that I think I should have died in Cam'splace.
Or maybe that's exactlywhat it is.
I shrug, finding the wavesthat Sam seemed to have found so fascinating moments ago."The factis, if it weren't for me, Cam would still be alive."
Sam shakes his head."You've got to stop measuring how things would have been if itweren't for you.Or if you're going to keep on asking yourself whatwould or wouldn't have happened if not for you, well then at leastlook at the whole picture.Cam would have been miserable withoutyou—"
I stop him, I can't listento this."You have no idea—"
"He would have beenwithout his best friend, whom he loved, without you."
I gasp and pull out of hisarms.Sam is taking this way too far and I'm shocked at his gall.Iglare at him, my blood on fire and my eyes awash with tears that Irefuse to let fall again."Don't you dare talk about him.Youweren't there!"
Sam takes a step forward,and I take an answering step back.How could he bring Cam up likethis?He doesn't know!He wasn'tthere!
He runs his teeth over hisbottom lip, and I can see in the tensing of his muscles that hewants to reach for me, but he doesn't.He wants to comfort me, buthe doesn't want to push me, and so he keeps his arms trainedstiffly at his sides.
"But I'm here," hewhispers insistently.
I blink at him, my visionblurred by unshed tears that I will away fervently.
"I don't have to have beenthere to know how he felt.I know howIfeel.I know he chose to take arisk that morning, and I'm sorry it got him killed, Ror.I'm sorryyou had to lose your best friend.I'm sorry you're hurting, thatyou may always hurt for losing him.ButI'm here.And I know that I would doanything for you.I would do anything to protect you, to keep yousafe.And if that means putting myself at risk to do it… well, itwouldn't stop me."
I watch him intently, halfin shock that he's talking about Cam, but mostly I'm just soakingin his words.Processing hearing him say he'd do anything for me.Idon't want him in any kind of danger over me.Not ever.But there'sa strange kind of comfort, of security, in hearing it.In feelinglike I have someone who will look out for me.Who cares forme.
Who loves me.
And for the first time Ifeel my guilt over Cam's death start to lift from my shoulders, ifonly marginally.Because even though I would take it back in amicrosecond, for the first time I consider that given the choice,maybe he wouldn't.Maybe he would always stand by his decision todefend me.It sure does sound like Cam.
"No one's to blame forthat accident, Ror.Not eventhatmotherfucking bastard.And from what Iknow of your friend Cam, he understood the risk he was taking.Andhe still took it.For you.Because he wouldn't have been able tolive with himself otherwise.And he definitely wouldn't have beenable to live with himself if it were you who ended up in anaccident that morning."Sam takes a deep breath."He knew what hewas doing, Ror.It's not your fault," he insists."I know because Iknow that I'd risk my life, my future, to keep you safe.No matterwhat it takes, and I won't apologize for it either."
They're beautiful words,but they're also terrifying.
It takes me a few momentsto find my voice, and when I do, it's weak and tremulous."That'sjust it, Sam.How could I survive if something happened toyou?"
"It won't."
