But I see itdisappear—vanish like it never really wanted to be there in thefirst place—the acceptance.And it gives me courage.
"Rory."
My name comes out anadmonishment.And also a warning.But there's also something else,barely there, but there nonetheless—hope.
And it gives me even morecourage.
"I miss you," Iconfess.
"I know, Ror."Sam watchesme carefully."I haven't been a very good friend to you lately, andI'm sorry for that.And I've missed you, too," he admits."It won'thappen again, Ror.I'll be here for you.Things will go back to howthey were.It'll be okay," he assures me.
"How will it?"Iask.
His brow furrows, makingmy heart twist in my chest.
"How could anything be okaywhen just hearing you sweet talk some girl sends me into a jealousfit?"I ask him earnestly."How is it okay that I've been missin'you so bad it hurts?Sam, I… I—"
But he stops my words withhis sudden steps, and I'm backed against the wall.
"Don't."Sam's voice is alow, gravelly rumble, and for a moment I'm absolutely terrifiedthat he's rejecting me and I nearly regret my words.I look down atmy boots, trying to re-gather my waning courage.
"But—"
"Don't," he repeats more firmly, hishands coming up to press against the wall on either side of me,caging me in.
His proximity completelyenraptures me, his scent intoxicating my senses, and the intensityin his gaze prevents me from forming any more words.
"No more of thiswishy-washy bullshit, Ror," he says softly, and I frown."Don't gothere again, okay?Not unless you're sure."
"But I—"
"I mean it."Sam shakes hishead."I can't go through that again."He exhales sharply, and Isubtly breathe in his breath."You want to be something more thanfriends again?You need to be sure.I… I can't go through thatagain," he repeats.
And he's right.Of coursehe's right.Neither of us can handle such heartache again.Becauseas painful as this all is, I can only imagine how exponentiallyworse it would feel to have hope again—real hope—and have it yankedaway when it all falls apart all over again.
I nod in response, andlook back down.Because the thing is, every time I meet his eyes,Iamsure.
Sam's fingers brush undermy chin, and lift it to look at him again.
"I am not rejecting you,"he clarifies, but it sure feels like he is.
I nod uncertainly, but oureyes are locked, and right now, I can't imagine anything other thanwanting to be with him for fuckingever.
"You serious about this?"he asks, and I can sense him wavering.That he's really consideringgiving us another shot, and my pulse races with a heady mixture ofexcitement and hope.
I never break our gaze."Yes," I breathe.
Sam deflates, all thedetermination of a moment before vanishing like it was never realin the first place."I've told you, Ror.There's no half way withus.It can't just be a spur of the moment decision because I'vebeen acting like a dick or because you were jealous last night.Youneed to be sure."
I feel the heat of myblush color my cheeks and spread downward at the memory of myembarrassing display, but there's a warmth in Sam's expression, inhis tone, that tells me he wasn't angered by it.That perhaps he'seven a bit pleased.
"And if I am?"I ask,increasingly sure that this isn't a hypothetical—that I was wrongto end it in the first place.That if the choice is up to me, I'mgetting him back, one way or another.
Sam's eyes close briefly.As if he wasn't expecting my reply, as if he isn't quite sure howto respond, but when they reopen they are intent, sure.
"I can't go through thatagain," he says again, and my heart stops beating for a moment."Think it over, Ror, okay?Take the weekend.Really think aboutwhat you want.We can talk about it on Monday, okay?"
I don't reply, I onlystare at his hypnotizing midnight blues.
