But, I decide, with nosmall amount of uncertainty, I'm about to find out.
My mother's back is to meso she doesn't see me approach.She startles, and I can see thecogs in her head turning—she's about to make up some reason to getoff the phone.But I stop her.
"Can I say hi?"I ask, myvoice timid and tremulous in a way that would have beenunrecognizable a year ago.Now it's one I'm fairly familiarwith.
My mother's hesitancetells me she herself isn't so sure about this, and I wonder howconfident she was about bringing up Cam a week ago.I consider thatperhaps she was nervous about it, and maybe even regretted it.After all, she hasn't brought him up since.
My mom recovers quickly,though.After all, she has the poker face of a practiced litigator."Sure," she replies, and then says into the receiver "Rory wants tosay hello."
Also practiced?Her smile,and she keeps it carefully played on her face while she listens towhatever Michelle's presumably surprised response is.
My mother hands me thereceiver and makes to head into the kitchen to give me a falsesense of privacy.She can, of course, hear every word Isay.
I rally my courage.I tellmyself that I really am the strong girl Sam used to believe in.That I am safe and in control.That my fears, rational andimagined, can't touch me now—not here.
"H-hi," I stammer, thenhold my breath.
I hear a rush of breathbefore Michelle replies."Hi, Rory, honey."
I inhale deeply, trying tosettle my nerves.I've known this woman since before consciousmemory."How are you doing?"I ask.I hold my breath again.I don'tmean to test her, but that's exactly what my question is.I don'tknow if she'll bullshit me with platitudes or tell me the truth.Orsomething in between.
Michelle sighs."It's beenhard, honey, you know."
Strangely enough, awhisper of relief flows through my veins at her honesty.Becauseyes, I do know."I do," I tell her.
"It's so good to hear fromyou though, Rory girl.I won't pretend I don't ask your mom aboutyou all the time," she admits.
Old memories surface.Onesnever forgotten, but never at the forefront of my mindeither.Rory girlwas Cam's nickname for me, and I'll associate it mainly withhim for the rest of my life.But it didn't originate withhim.
I may have been a tomboy,but with Cam and me both being only children, I was the closestthing to a daughter Michelle Foster had.She was the one whostarted calling meRory girlwhen I was three.She was the one who braided myoverlong waves into pig tails so they wouldn't catch on one of ourfishing hooks, who taught me how to pull my ponytail through theback of my baseball cap.
"I'm sorry I haven'tcalled."My voice cracks with guilt, and I squeeze my eyes shut totry and get ahold of my emotions.
"Shh, honey," Michellecoos."You just take care of yourself, okay?That's what he wouldwant."
My breath catches at themention of Cam, the emptiness in my stomach rolling and swirlinguntil it encircles my heart, amplifying the perpetual ache there.Iknow that Cam would want me to take care of myself.There's a lotof things Cam would want, like being here, for one.But I also knowhe would have wanted me to check in on his mother, to make sure shewas doing okay, and I hadn't done that.I can't help but feel as ifI've let him down in some profound way.
I hear a faint gasp on theother end of the line, as if Michelle has just realized what she'dsaid.As if she hadn't meant to bring him up.But why shouldn'tshe?Am I really so fragile that she's meant to pretend he neverexisted?That there isn't a giant Cam-shaped hole in each of ourlives, one that can never be filled.How is that honoringhim?
"I miss him so much," Iwhisper shakily.My eyes fill with tears and my breath comes toofast.But this isn't my anxiety.I'm not panicking—I'm justgrieving.
"Me too, honey," Michellereplies."He loved you so much."
She has no idea exactlyhow much Cam loved me.She can't possibly know that he'd beenharboring romantic feelings for me all that time, that he'dconfessed he was in love with me the night before hedied.
"I love him, too," Ireply, my voice hoarse and weak.I don't use the past tense.Cammight be gone, but my love for my childhood best friend is stillvery present.I expect it always will be.
Michelle sighs."I knowthat, Rory girl.And so did he," she assures me.
I know that, too.I'd toldhim I loved him plenty over the years, if not that I was in lovewith him.My feelings for Cam were very real, but also verycomplicated, and I'll never know how I really felt about himromantically, what those feelings would have evolved into.Not thatit matters now.
"I know," Imurmur.
"Look, no rush, but whenyou're ready, I gave your mom some things I thought you might want.I know you're still dealing with a lot, so take your time," shesays in a rush.
She gave my mom somethings?Like, there are things of Cam'shere?In this house?
I want to ask a millionquestions, but all I can say is "okay".
