It's pathetic, but I haveto give myself a silent pep talk before I can push myself backinside the house to ask Carl to drive me.Drunken Marshall slurssome borderline suggestive nonsense about my jeans as I pass, andmy muscles inexorably tense.I have to mentally remind myself thatI am safe here, in this crowded house, with a few friends and manymore acquaintances.
I push open the door tothe kitchen where I'd left Carl, and like the world is playing anever-ending joke on me, I walk right into Sam.Literally.
I jump back, apologizing.I don't know why it feels like I've done something wrong, and bythe look on his face, neither does he.Dave is with him, keys inhand.
"Thought you wereleaving," Sam murmurs.
"Um.Yeah, I—"
"I wanted to catch youbefore you did."
Oh?I stare up at him, my stomach flipping with nerves over whathe might have to say, and somehow a million possibilities dartthrough my mind instantaneously.Though I'm not sure if any ofthose possibilities is something he'd say in front ofDave.
"You were kind of a bitchto Chelsea."
Okay, definitely notthat.
His tone isn't accusing,more like matter of fact.And I suppose itisa matter of fact.
"So?"I ask.What is hispoint?I'm suddenly extremely annoyed.Thisis what he chased me out hereto say?
Sam sighs defeatedly,running his hand through his hair.He cut it recently.Not short.Just enough to get it out of his eyes.But the last thing I need isa less encumbered view of his eyes.
"She's sorry.You know?I'm not excusing what she did.It was fucked up, but she knowsthat, and that's why she apologized," he says."I'm not saying youneed to be her best friend, but maybe just cut her abreak?"
Suddenly everything feelsirrevocably changed.Sam is taking up for Chelsea and I'm the onewho's the bitch, and she's his lifelong friend, and I am anoutsider.I swallow the heart-sized lump in my throat and theperpetual ache in my chest intensifies even more.I bite my lip sohard I think it might bleed.
"Sure," I breathe toplacate him, dropping my gaze to my chucks as I stifle ayawn.
"Come on, Ror," Sam'svoice turns almost pleading and I'm reminded how little I can hidefrom him.Everything has changed, but also nothing has.The hint ofdesperation in his words undo me.Sam has forgiven Chelsea, and hecares about me, and my grudge-that's-not-a-grudge is complicatingthings for him.A wave of guilt washes over me.I've complicatedhis life enough.
"Yeah, okay," I murmurcontritely."I'll… try."
"Come Sunday," Sam offers,and I blink at him in confusion."To brunch, remember?"
Oh.Right."I,uh—"
"Don't think up an excuse.Just come.Chel will be there and you can have a chance to get toknow each other a little, and you'll get to meet my cousin, Thea,who you'll be going to school with next year.And you'll havefriends there, Carl, and Tuck… me," he says more softly.
I can tell that this meanssomething to him.Me putting in an effort with his family friend.And after all he's done for me, considering I've brought himnothing but headaches and heartache, I can do this for him.I haveto.
I agree to meet Sam at hisfamily home Sunday morning, and excuse myself to go ask Carl forthat ride.Dave, who's leaving himself for what I can only assumeis a booty call considering it's barely ten o'clock, offers me aride.I politely decline.As friendly as Dave and I have become, Iknow that alone in a car, only the vaguest moment of doubt wouldtrigger me to panic.No, I'm quite sure there's only one man Icould handle being alone in a car with, and he did not offer me aride.
Chapter Four
Iwake up early and head to my mom's basement gym.It was onlya little after eleven when I got home last night and I have excessenergy I need to burn off.I feel that knot in the pit of mystomach, reminding me that life sucks.
I left Andy's not longafter Rory did.I remember that I told her she'd been a bitch toChelsea.The knot twists more tightly.Her eyes flashed woundedbefore they found their way to annoyance.
But her thing with Chelseais what's annoying.Chel fucked up.I know that as well as Rory,but so does Chel.She admitted as much and apologized, and withsenior events coming up, them not being able to be in the same roomis going to complicate things.Not just for me, but for all of ourmutual friends.
Of course, that's not theonly reason I practically fucking begged Rory to come overtomorrow.I do think it's a good opportunity for them to be in thesame room together and maybe get along for once, but I wouldn'thave been so pitifully desperate if just for that.
I just want to see her.Iwant to be able to see how she's holding up, with fewer people andfewer distractions.And I want her to meet Thea.And maybe getalong with Chelsea.Bits has been asking about her also, and I knowshe'd like to see her.My mom, too.But my motivations are mostlyselfish.Because the simple fact is, I begged her to come to brunchbecause I just want to be around her.
I run nearly twice mynormal distance on the treadmill, intent on ridding my body of allthis nervous energy.I know what I have to do—I have ever since wemet with the detectives in Miami—and doing it with all of thistension stored up is a dangerous idea.Flying into a rage, even onthe phone, while demanding a favor probably wouldn't produce thedesired result.
A month ago I would havebeen confident that I would never reach out to that man again.After all, my last words to him five years ago were pretty damnconclusive.
