I've hit a nerve.Withmyself, too, I realize.I'm not sure either of them could quiteimagine a future without their guys.Certainly not any more than Icould imagine wanting to be with anyone other than Sam.But I can'tbe with him.And I realize that means I end up alone.
But if it gets Sam thefuture he deserves, then I can handle that, I remindmyself.
Thankfully, Tina changesthe subject to some popular bar in the city that we're apparentlyall going out to Thursday night.Friday is another "senioractivity"—Senior Sleep-In.At first I thought it must be some kindof Lock-In where the students all spend the night in the gymnasium,but it isn't.
Apparently the last Fridayof school before finals was traditionally Senior Ditch Day—wherestudents cut class for the entire day.The faculty took issue withthat a few years ago, the seniors complained, and thus a compromisewas reached—Senior Sleep-In, where seniors can come in late, afterfifth period and thus ditch half the day.Since we get to sleepuntil like eleven in the morning, new tradition apparently dictatesthat the night before, we have to go out and have a late—well, theword Dave used wasepic—night out in thecity.
I can't say I'm especiallylooking forward to it.The truth is, ever since Miami, I haven'treally felt particularly comfortable going out at night at all.It's all just too familiar.The loud music, crowded bar or house,drunk people… all loud whispers of a memory I'd rather soon forget.But I've only been to one small get-together in these past weeks,and Carl made me promise not only to commit to going out the nightbefore Senior Sleep-In, but to come to Andrew's tonight.SomethingI'm definitely not looking forward to.
But I agree, becausebecoming a depressed shut-in would mean Robin won.And I can't havethat.Not after everything he's already taken from me.
****
Iride with Carl and Tina to Andrew's for his regular Fridaynight party.Sometimes it's an all out rager, other times it's youraverage high school party, but usually, like tonight, it's more ofa get-together.Thirty or so of their friends.Of my friends, Iguess.Though there are only about six of them I actually considerfriends.
I feel a strange, new kindof anxiety.Not the kind that threatens a panic attack—thoughthat's never more than some random trigger away—but the Sam-inducedkind.It's this elusive mixture of eager anticipation and dread.Ahint of excitement, a whisper of fear.Because I am both desperateto see him, and terrified of the exact same thing.
I miss him.Terribly.ButI hate the act.The show.Of pretending Idon'tmiss him terribly.Of beingright next to him and at the same time, in another way, soexcruciatingly distant.Of acting like this is really all I want,and forget thesomethingmore.
I dread it.When I have tostep into the facade and pretend this is all okay.ThatI’mokay.
But I’m so not okay.Andconsidering I’m in love with someone I can never have again, I’mpretty sure I’llneverbe okay.
Nevertheless, I slip on mymask as we all climb out of Carl’s Audi.Carl is in anexceptionally good mood—she has been ever since she and Tuckresolved their issues in Miami.But her concern for me is weighingdown her contentment.It's in her sideways glances—the ones sheintermittently casts my way to make sure I'm coping.And so Iplaster on the mask even when Sam's not around.Carl's a greatfriend, the best girl friend I've ever had, and now that she'sfinally happy, the last thing I want is to mitigate that with myown misery.
Andrew marches right toTina as soon as we walk in, obviously impatient over having had towait on his girl to arrive at his own party.I half expect him tobe angry, maybe to grab her arm or growl some reprimand.But hedoesn't.He just kisses her sweetly on the lips and laces theirfingers together.
I'm reminded again of howscrewed up I really am.I think about what Cam told me the night Itold him what Robin had done, the night before he died.He saidthat what Robin did—how he was—it wasn't normal.He was right ofcourse, it wasn't normal.
And now, neither amI.
Carl's eyes lock on Tuckright away, and I immediately turn in the opposite direction.Because I know that where Tuck is, Sam usually is too.And as muchas most of me wants to see him, that small part of me—the coward—ispainfully aware of how weak I am in his presence, and it'sscared.
I'mscared.Because I've exerted the greatest strength of my lifein letting him go, and despite what Sam used to think, I'm notstrong enough to feel confident that I won't falter.
But as soon as I turn, Inearly smack right into him.I catch myself at the last moment,though part of me regrets the instinct.If we'd collided, at leasthe'd have to touch me.He hasn't touched me in weeks, not sinceMiami, and that small fearful part of me vanishes at just the merethought of his touch.But I caught myself, and so he doesn’t haveto.
And he doesn’t.
He doesn't give me a hugor kiss on the cheek in greeting.He doesn't even shake my damnedhand.He just startles barely instantly before offering me a warmsmile.His perfect dimple is there, and it affects me, and it takesme a moment to gather myself.I try to force the mask back inplace.
I am okay.
But Sam notices.Hepretends not to, but it's there in his eyes.He saw me fluster andhe's put off by it.His reaction makes me even more anxious.Immediately I realize my mistake.That my reaction to him, nomatter how fast I tried to cover it, wasn't fast enough.He'sannoyed, because he's trying to act normal for the sake of ourfriendship—my request—and here I am, acting like some lovesickpuppy, even if only for a moment.Robin's words from Miami invademy mind, the accusation that I was following Sam around likeafucking puppy,and I blush, ashamed.
But ever so quickly, weboth slip our masks into place, and Sam's smile returns.
"How are you doing, Ror?"he asks.I worry my lip between my teeth before I can stop myself,and then release it as nonchalantly as possible.I wonder if Samhas picked up on the lying tell only Cam and my parents have everrecognized.
"I'm doing okay," I reply.Sam seems unsure as to whether he wants to hide his skepticism ornot.
"What are you up to thisweekend?"he asks.
I shrug.I know his familyis hosting some brunch on Sunday.I know because Tucker invitedCarl, and Carl mentioned Chelsea was going to be there as well.This irks me, of course, though I have no right to beirked.
Chelsea's parents arefriends with Sam's mom, and Sam and Chelsea have been friends sincethey were little.They had one spat when Chelsea tried to take aphoto of my scar while I'd been changing in a bathroom stall afterphys ed, but apparently Chelsea saw the error of her ways after Samstopped speaking to her, she ended up grounded, and her parentscancelled her spring break trip.
I understand why Samaccepted her apology.Really, I do.What I don't understand is howhe fell for her story about being over her "little crush".Chelseaand I both know that her feelings for Sam were more than someinsignificant crush.For as long as she must have been pining forhim, there can be no small amount of feelings that have amassedover the years.I mean, I've only known him a matter of months andlook at me.Chelsea didn't just get over him in the past couple ofweeks, and I can't understand how Sam doesn't get that.
