I thought it would go by faster, but it didn't. Afterward Robin asked why I didn't "play" my "little hard to get game". I think he even sounded a little disappointed. I never knew he liked it when I fought back, but as I looked back on our physical relationship, I realized the more I struggled, the greater his excitement grew.
I still feel numb. On autopilot. Like my mind has been all but shut off all week. But I'm finally getting myself together. I've decided that whatever my father thinks, he can't control my life. And whether or not he believes me, he can't make me stay with Robin, and he can't make me agree to marry him when the time comes either.
But the upcoming weekend is the most pressing matter. Every time I think about it, my precious numbness melts away and I'm nearly overcome by terror. I can't go away with him. No matter what. I know it's not very considerate to wait until the last minute to tell him I'm not going, but honestly, I'm afraid of how he'll react.
So I waited until now.
It's Friday afternoon; the basketball game has just ended. Almost everyone has left the school, and Robin is here to pick me up. He never loses control in public or when there are other people around, and I want to talk to him here so he can't flip out.
I join the girls in the locker room, and while they change and gather their things, I gather my courage.
I meet Robin by the gym doors and he pulls me into his arms. "Hey, sweetheart. We win?" he asks before planting a kiss on my lips.
I nod, stepping out of his arms.
"You okay?" His eyes narrow slightly.
"Robin, can we talk a minute?"
"Sure, darlin'. Let's talk in the car. We got a long drive."
I bristle. We're supposed to leave right from school. His weekend bag is already in his trunk, but I never even packed. He obviously didn't notice my jeep in the lot.
"We should just talk here," I murmur.God, I need to rally my courage. My voice is weak and shaky, and I know Robin will just steamroll me if I don't exude strength. He raises his hand to stroke my face like he does, but I take another step back.
"Rory, what's goin' on?"
I brace myself with a deep breath. "I can't go with you this weekend."
"'A course you can. Your daddy said it was fine."
I shake my head. "I know, Rob. But I still can't go. I... I think we need some time apart. Some space."
His mouth presses into a thin, inscrutable line, and for several moments he just glares at me. "Rory, what are you talkin' about? This isn't still about your arm, is it?" He reaches for the now-yellowing bruise he put on my forearm just few days ago, but I retract it before he can touch me. "You're not still mad, are you? IsaidI was sorry. You know how much I love you."
I shake my head again. "I know, Robin. It's not just that. It's just... I need some space, you know? Go to Gainesville, have a good time, and we'll talk when you get back, okay?"
"No, sweetheart, not 'okay'. This sounds an awful lot like you breakin' up with me," he chokes.
His eyes glisten with tears. They're familiar by now. They show up when he's feeling guilty about pushing me around - not once for forcing himself on me, though. But I've never seen him look this frightened, this... desperate. It almost undoes my resolve. But then I remember what will happen if I falter. The same thing that's been happening for months, onlyforever.
"Rory?" he breathes, a prayer. But neither God nor me will grant it. Not today. Today it's my prayer that will finally be answered.
Tears slide down my cheeks and I hastily brush them away. "I'm so sorry," I whisper, and flee back to the girl's locker room before the despair in his eyes can confuse me any more.
The locker room is empty by now, everyone having gone home after the game. I close my eyes for a minute and try to regulate my breathing. That was even harder than I thought it would be. I think I expected him to argue. To yell. Not to cry. Not to look so utterly heartbroken. Even after everything, I can't help but care for him in my own masochistic way, and I never, ever wanted to hurt him.
I get my bag from my locker and head to the back where the sinks and showers are. Tossing my bag on the ground, I turn on a faucet and splash some cold water on my tear-stained face.
"Rory."
Robin's voice is low and toneless. I grab a paper towel to dry my face and turn to look at him. I can't believe he's followed me into the girl's locker room.
"Robin, I-"
He's on me before I even sense his movement. I'm viciously shoved back into the wall, and I cry out as my back crashes against the cold, hard tile. Robin doesn't try to kiss me. Instead, he restrains my arms at my sides and starts sucking down my neck, licking and biting with savagery.
"Ow! Stop, Rob, please!" I beg.
