I do. I keep my eyes locked with Sam's midnight blues as Lidia, the TSA agent, touches me in places I've never allowed anyone to touch me, but that Robin did anyway.
"You're done," Lidia announces, and makes some gesture to Sam I don't see since I'm so painstakingly focused on him. Sam is back holding my hand in a flash.
"See? You're fine. And you didn't even take a pill," he praises.
I whimper.
"Oh, Ror." He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me. In his embrace, I can breathe again, and I do, I breathe him in.
It's over. Sam was right. I'm fine.
We stand there like that for minutes, until I'm sure I'm back to normal - or as normal as I'm capable of - and then finally, I pull away.
"Thanks," I murmur.
"Anytime, Ror. What are-"
"Friends for, I know," I grumble, and Sam smiles.
****
While everyone chats excitedly at the gate, I curl up in the cheap upholstery of the terminal seating and close my eyes. I don't sleep, though I'm tired enough that I probably could. But I really just need this time to get myself together. I hadn't even anticipated a TSA pat-down - didn't even consider it in my hundred reasons why this trip wouldn't be a good idea. I can't help but wonder what else I've missed.
I hope seven pills is even enough.
JFK is a bit overwhelming. I flew back and forth between here and Gainesville many times as a child, and it always struck me - the juxtaposition between the terminal here and that of my small town airport.
But this time I'm flying into Miami International. I'll never see Gainesville again.
The early spring air sends a chill through my energy-drained body as I board through the gate, and I pull my hoodie tighter around me.
Tina and Carl are seated together since they booked their tickets at the same time. Sam is with Tuck, and the rest of the group is paired off as well, except Lily and me who are both seated beside strangers since she was supposed to be with Chelsea and I booked my ticket alone. But after a quick game of musical plane seats, Carl and Tuck end up together, Lily and Dave, and Sam's with me. We both want to watch the Batman movie so we partnered up to save money by buying it on one TV and sharing ear buds. But I vaguely suspect Sam asked Tuck to switch with me because he knew how much I'd hate sitting so close to a stranger.
Sam seems enthralled with the film, but fifteen minutes in, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I yawn, like I've been yawning all morning, and pull my legs up to get more comfortable. I know better than to fall asleep in public - a situation that threatens humiliation for someone who suffers from night terrors. Sam lifts the arm rest that separates our seats and holds out his arm - an invitation to sleep on him.
I'm tempted.
God,am I tempted. All I want to do is curl up into that clean, masculine scent, close my eyes, and pretend I'm his for the next two hours. But it would just hurt more when we land and I'm thrust back to reality.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," I whisper wistfully.
Sam frowns, but nods. I know he thinks I can't handle it. Being so close to him. Especially while unconscious. He thinks I don't trust him enough for that. But I trust him just fine. It's me I don't trust.
Sam resumes watching the movie, but doesn't replace the armrest between us. He seems pensive, but then again, it's probably just Batman.
I lean away from him, against the window, and against my better judgment, let my eyes flutter closed.
I'm at a football game. It's fall in Port Woodmere, and I'm cheering again. I cheer for Sam as he throws the winning touchdown, and he takes off his helmet to reveal his triumphant grin. He's happy, and that makes me happy. But then I notice the girl cheering next to me. It's Kendall, and she runs onto the field and jumps on Sam, who kisses her ardently.
It's then that I notice the opposing team is Linton High. Robin has removed his helmet, too, and he's angry. Cam is nowhere to be found, and Sam is otherwise occupied with Kendall, as Robin locks eyes with me.
I turn and try to run away, but Robin catches me under the bleachers. Somehow, all the fans, all the other players and coaches, are too distracted to hear my cries for help. Fans stand just overhead, on the bleachers cheering, but no one looks down. No one sees that just below their feet, Robin has me pinned to the ground.
"Please!" I beg, but he doesn't relent. I fight and cry, but it just makes him more determined. I'm wearing my uniform, but I'm not wearing anything over my underwear.
Where are my spankies?
Robin tears through my one layer of protection, and suddenly he's inside me. I scream in pain, but still, no one even turns my way.
