Sam looks warily at the blackness beyond the windows. "Why would you do that? I mean, I know it's not too late, but itisdark..."
He's right, and suddenly I'm stuck having to choose between walking the perimeter of a nearly empty building in the dark and walking through an equally empty hallway, alone with a guy, past the locker rooms.
Fuck. I swallow audibly, looking dubiously between my two options, both of them so disconcerting that my pulse accelerates exponentially. But I know there's no way I'm walking past those locker rooms, not when the hallway is all but deserted, and definitely not with a boy. I take a deep breath and turn to Sam.
"So, look, you saw me have that panic attack my first day..."
I wait for him to acknowledge this with a nod.
"So I have these triggers. I know it's weird-"
"It's not weird," he cuts me off, and I blink at him for a moment.
"Well it's not normal," I counter.
He doesn't make any sign of agreement, but he doesn't argue either. "So, triggers?" he prompts.
"Um, yeah... I just really don't want to walk past the locker rooms if I don't have to."So much so that I hide in the bathroom next to the cafeteria to change for phys ed every other day.
"Okay," he replies - no judgment. "I'll walk you," he offers, and starts out the main exit, but stops when he realizes I haven't moved. He looks at me inquisitively.
I take another deep breath. "So if we're gonna do this - thisfriendsthing - I need you to understand somethin'."
He nods to urge me on.
"Some of these... triggers... Look, I can't walk out there with you," I gesture out the doors. "Not alone. It's not personal, okay? It's got nothin' to do with you. I really don't wanna offend you. Like I've said before, you've been nothin' but nice to me." I'm rambling, my nerves betraying my otherwise carefully hidden accent, and I'm not sure if I'm making any sense.
"Okay, Rory. I get it," he says.
"You do?" I ask, incredulous.
Sam nods. "I do. How about we make a deal? When we're approaching a situation that makes you uncomfortable, you just tell me, okay? And I won't get offended and I won't judge. We can even have a safe word," he offers.
I laugh. "A safe word? What is this, BDSM?" I joke.
He chuckles. "Hey, if you want me to restrain you, just tell me, Ror."
My entire body stiffens."Safe word,"I whisper shakily, and Sam's handsome face drains of mirth.
"See... It works," he says tentatively, and I relax, which he surely notices. "But you have to pick an actual word, not just 'safe word'."
"How aboutcalculus?" I suggest.
Sam chuckles again and it unnerves me how much I enjoy the sound. "Calculus it is," he agrees. He peeks out the dark glass doors again. "So we have a little dilemma. I can't walk you to your car, but I can't let you walk around the back of the building in the dark alone either," he murmurs contemplatively.
I want to argue that I'll be fine alone, but I'm not sure I will. I surreptitiously feel around to the pocket of my bag for my pill bottle.
"Here, give me your keys. I'll bring your car around front."
I want to argue that he doesn't have to do that, but I don't. Instead, I wordlessly hand over my keys.
"Stay here," he says, and turns to head in his original direction.
"It's the silver jeep!" I call out, but he waves me off, as if he already knows what I drive. Of course it's probably the only car left in the student lot besides his own, so it shouldn't be too difficult to deduce, especially with his math skills.
The hall is mostly empty, save a few faculty members passing by; they scarcely notice me. It's barely minutes later when Sam pulls my car around, and I thank him. It's on the tip of my tongue to offer to drive him back to the student lot, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not sure I can be alone in a car with him. In fact, I know I can't. So I watch silently as he jogs back into the building and cuts through back to his own car.
****
