"I can't do this half way - not with you. It's messing me up, you know? Everything I know about you tells me you would never do that, and yet when I came outside looking for you and saw you with him-" Sam practically growls the last bit before pausing to regain his composure. "I turned into an insecure, jealous little girl."
He looks down to gather his thoughts, and his gaze returns to mine uncharacteristically nervous, but also determined. But I still don't understand what he's trying to say - if he wants to give up on us because I come with too much baggage, or if he still wants me. One thing is clear though - I'm almost positive this is Sam's first experience with jealousy, and I feel guilty at how gratifying the thought is to me.
"If you can't handle it, then just tell me. We'll go back to being friends - I understand, okay? But if you still want me, Ror, I need to know that it's just you and me. I'm sorry if that makes me possessive, but I can't help the way I feel. I want- no, Ineed, for you to be only mine, if we're going to do this, I mean."
He wants me to be only his?I stare at him, stunned and completely overwhelmed. I open my mouth to speak, and then close it again. I take a deep, steadying breath.
"Do you know why I left the bar tonight in the first place?" I ask finally, aware that my voice betrays my emotionally drained state, but unable to do anything about it.
Sam furrows his brow.Gorgeous.
"When I got there, I was looking for you, and when I saw you, you had your arm around some pretty girl, and... I couldn't take it. I left," I confess.
Sam shakes his head. "Rory, I'm not interested in any other girls. The only girl I was even talking to was my cousin-"
"Thea, yeah, I know that...now."
The corner of Sam's mouth twists up in the beginning of a faint smile, but it fades quickly. "That's my point, Ror. You left a baralone, walked right into his trap, and I saw you! Believe me, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him just fortouchingyou, before I even realized who he was - what was happening. I should have known, I could have stopped it right away, but this jealousy... this not knowing whether-"
"I know."
Sam swallows anxiously and takes a deep breath. "So you don't want anyone else?" he asks cautiously, and I stare at him like he's crazy. Who would want anyone else when they could have Sam?
Who the hell else could I want?
And then I remember our earlier fight, and I deflate.Of course. I look down. "You don't understand," I whisper. But he doesn't argue, not this time. He doesn't demand I make him understand, and for some reason, because he doesn't press me, I decide that I can, in fact, tell him. "I don't talk about him with anyone.CamI mean. Not to Dr. Schall, not even my mom."
"You don't have to, Ror, I should never have pushed you. I feel like a huge dick for it; I'm sorry."
"No, Sam,I'msorry. In fact, I was looking for you at the bar tonight so I could apologize-"
"Rory-"
"Please, Sam, just let me explain, okay?" I plead, and he nods.
"Okay, baby," he whispers, tightening his hold on my hand, "but not over there."
Sam scoots over to the side of the chaise and pulls me next to him. He slings his arm around me and I cuddle into his comfort, inhaling deeply and letting his intoxicating scent fill my senses.
"Cam and me... wewerejust friends - best friends, but just platonic friends - since we were three. We lived next door to each other; we did everything together, literally. It wasn't until after I broke up with Robin, after that last time, you know, in the locker room, that Cam told me he loved me. I mean, he’d always told me he loved me, but that night he said he was, you know,inlove with me. And I realized I had feelings for him, too - that I'd had feelings for him even while I was dating Robin." I shake my head in self-condemnation, ashamed, knowing how it makes me sound, but the truth is the truth.
"Once Robin started hurting me, and, you know, forcing me, everything changed for me," I add in my own defense, but Sam just stares at me, betraying no emotion, and if he's judging me, he's reserving it so that he can at least hear what I have to say. "We kissed that night," I admit.
"Cam is the person I told, in the end, and telling him was the impetus for making it stop, but..." I choke back tears, it's so hard to talk about Cam, especially about that night, and even more so the following morning. "I honestly don't know what would've happened, what we would've been. We never figured it out, never had the chance because... the next morning..." I close my eyes and take deep breaths, holding up my hand when Sam tries to stop me, because I know he thinks I'm panicking, but this isn't panic. This is just plain, old, gut-wrenching grief.
"He died, Sam," I whisper, "and it was all my fault."
TWENTY-FOUR
S P R I N G B R E A K, L A S T Y E A R
IWAKE UPjust after seven alone in Cam's bed. I assume he must have gone to the bathroom because the boy would never get up this early if he didn't absolutely have to. I groan inwardly, knowing I'll have to feign sleep until he returns and falls back into a deep slumber - deep enough that I can slip out of bed undetected.
I have it all planned out in my head. I'll drive to the sheriff's station, tell Sheriff Chipley what Robin did, file the complaint, and then come back here. By then Cam should just be waking up, but just in case, I'll leave him a note that says I went to the store to buy "girl stuff", which he will take to mean tampons. He'll give me grief for driving in the rain, but fortunately the storm has already begun to quell. It's still pouring out, but the winds have died down. I'll have to drive extra cautiously, but as long as the roads aren't too bad, I should be able to get to the station okay.
I hate lying to Cam, but it's my only option. Because if he knew where I was really going, he'd insist on coming with me, but not before making me agree to wait until after he has time to go confront Robin.
And that's the last thing I'd ever want. Even though Cam would certainly hold his own in a physical altercation, Robin can do damage, I know that better than anyone, and I couldn't bear it if Cam was to get hurt. Especially because of me. He'd also likely be brought up on assault charges if he went after Robin, and that's the last thing he needs.God, if he did anything to jeopardize his plans to study in New York, I could never forgive myself.
