My only hope now is that we can still stay friends. I told him he was my best friend, and it's true. I can't handle losing him. Not completely.
My phone buzzes and I hastily grab it from my bag, glad for the distraction, needing an excuse to break our mutually turbulent gaze. Because his eyes see everything - they have since the moment we met.
It's Carl. I'm late. Which mean Sam is, too.
"It's, uh, Carl," I say shakily. "I gotta go. I'm makin' us late." My voice is barely more than a whisper. I don't meet his gaze again. I can't. I sniffle, trying to disguise it as a sneeze, and turn away before my tears become noticeable.
"Rory," Sam breathes.
I stop, but don't turn, waiting, giving him a chance to say whatever it was he wanted to say.
But he doesn't. And after a couple moments, I just continue back to my own room and close the door behind me.
I lock it.
TWENTY-THREE
P R E S E N T D A Y
IDON’T GOstraight downstairs. I go to the bathroom and splash some cool water on my face, fix my makeup, and try to calm myself down. I think pretty soon I'll be able to compose myself, come across asokay -an act I've learned well-but I need more time and everyone is waiting on me.
So I take a pill.
I guess I won't be drinking tonight. Not that I really wanted to after last night.
When I finally actually feel the numbness I forced myself to feign in front of Sam, I head down to the lobby and meet up with the girls.
I don't want to do this right now. To go out to a fancy restaurant for dinner with a gaggle of girls. But I am glad to be with Carl. Hopefully I can help her resolve her Tuck issues and at least one of us can be happy. And Tina too. I hope she appreciates what she has with Andrew. They really do make a great couple.
We squeeze into two cabs and get to our restaurant twenty minutes late for our reservation. The boys are eating at a steakhouse a few miles away and we're supposed to meet in a couple of hours at a bar less than half a block and across the street from our hotel.
I'm quiet over dinner as Carl talks about Tuck, and Tina and Lily give her the same advice I've been giving her, and like earlier in my room Carl seems more receptive tonight. I start to think she might actually consider having an honest conversation with Tucker about their relationship.
Guilt over Sam surges and quells throughout the night. It's an impossible situation and I've no one to blame but myself. It was my fault for falling in love with him. My feelings are my problem, I've known that, and now he's probably blaming himself for causing me to nearly panic.God, if he knew I took a pill he'd be so disappointed in me, and he'd probably blame himself for that, too.
And what did he do that was so wrong? Ask about Cam? His big crime was simply asking about someone I've mentioned to him several times now. Because I talk to him. Like he said, I tell him things I don't tell anyone else. And he said he loved that. I groan inwardly. I loved hearing him say that.
But whycan'tI talk to him about Cam? I was so shocked by Sam bringing him up, and so soon after being confronted with the visual of Robin's photo, that I didn't even think aboutwhyI couldn't just tell him the truth. I couldn't talk to my mom about him, I couldn't talk to Dr. Schall about him... I guess I'm just so used tonotbeing able to talk about him that I didn't even consider that maybe Icouldto Sam. I've talked to Sam about plenty I haven't told anyone else.
And he's done nothing but comfort and support me. He's never pitied or judged me. He's even helped me beat triggers. He's always there for me. He's been there for me since the day he found me freaking out outside of calculus. When I was nothing more than a stranger. And what doIdo? Throw it back in his face when he asks one reasonable question.
No, Sam has been nothing but wonderful to me. Of course, that's why I fell in love with him in the first place. Even if he doesn't know it, even if he'llneverknow it.
I give myself a small, secret smile.
In another hour I'll be at the bar and I can apologize to Sam, and if he'll listen to me, and he still wants to know about Cam, I think I can tell him.
Maybe I don't have to give up thesomething morejust yet. Maybe I'll get to feel his arms around me again. Feel his lips caress mine, the weight of him above me. Warmth unfurls within me, and I bite my lip to keep my smile from growing.
But as we all climb back into cabs to head to the bar just over an hour later, my apprehension returns, trickling into the security of the confidence I found during dinner. I can't stop picturing Sam's face when I used our safe word. I can't stop thinking about his reaction.
Seriously?
And I don't blame him. He's one hundred percent in the right. There's something wrong with me. Of course, we both already knew that. But despite how well he's gotten to know me, he could never really understand. How could anyone understand that after everything I've already confided to him, after all the time we've spent together, after being vulnerable and intimate with him, after sleeping in his freaking arms, I couldn't just answer a simple question.
Because it isn't a simple question, not really. Of course, the answer as to where Cam is isn't especially complicated, but it certainlyfeelscomplicated.
****
