I spend the rest of my Sunday studying calculus and realize I'm even further behind than I thought.DamnI hate calculus.
The next day I ask Mr. Frank about extra help, and he points disinterestedly to the student tutoring sign-up sheet tacked to the bulletin board. I quickly add my name to the list of "tutorees" and hurry off to my next class. When I head out to the parking lot to meet the girls for lunch, Tina and Carl are talking to Andrew and Tuck. Their pack is close by. I see Sam, and he sees me, but he doesn't approach me, doesn't say "hi". I remind myself I told him we couldn't be friends, but for some reason his going out of his way to ignore me stings.
The rest of the week goes by like the last, except Sam still doesn't acknowledge me. When I run into him in the student lot again, I venture a greeting. It's no more than a murmured hello, but he just offers a quick, forced smile, and continues to ignore me.
I try not to sneak glances his way, but it's hard. He's really insanely attractive. I also try not to take offense to the fact that he no longer seems to notice I'm alive, and remind myself that this is want I wanted. To be invisible. But I can't not notice how much Chelsea clings to him whenever possible, and though he doesn't seem to flirt with her or show her anything other than friendly affection, he certainly doesn't push her away. I have no right to be bothered by this, and yet...
It's finally Friday again, and while we eat lunch at the diner, Tina invites us to Andrew's again for a party tonight. Apparently his parents go away most weekends. My parents used to go away every other weekend - taking turns with my dad's brother to stay with their mother, my Nanna Joyce, since the state didn't cover weekend help and her dementia made it impossible to leave her alone. I always stayed with Cam on those weekends, until last year when I stayed at the Forbes'. It wasn't my choice. My boyfriend didn't want me staying with another man, even if things were never like that with Cam and me. We did sleep in bed together back when we were kids, but once we were eleven or so Cam started sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor, giving me the bed. In many ways that bed - that room - it felt more like home to me than my own. My heart is crushed by a wave of regret, and I wince, excusing myself to the bathroom to blink back the sudden rush of tears and count backwards from ten. Three times.
But it works, I calm.
I find myself wondering about Sam and Chelsea's relationship, even though it's in no way my business. It's obvious - at least to me - that she wants more than their friendship. Much more. I think about how unenthusiastic he was about brunch with their families. Or his mom and whoever the hell "Bits" is. It sounds like a freaking pet's name or something.
When I return to our table, Carl is talking about some incident at last week's party that I must have missed. Apparently some girl named Sarah, one of Chelsea's minions, made a move on Sam by making some drunken suggestive offer. He just laughed her off, but Chelsea was not amused. By Monday, rumors were swirling about Sarah and one especially nasty sexually transmitted disease. Carl hedges there's no doubt as to the rumors' source.
"What is it with them?" I ask, unable to rein in my curiosity any longer. "Chelsea and Sam, I mean. You said he wasn't interested in her, but she clearly seems to have some claim on him, and their families know each other, right?"
"Shewishesshe had a claim on him," Tina laughs. "But I mean, yeah they're friends. They've always been friends. Cap's mom is tight with Chelsea's parents."
"Just his mom?" I ask.
"Yeah, his dad left when we were in middle school. They're divorced," Carl murmurs.
"Who is, uh, Bits?" Obviously it's someone Sam cares about if his - or her - needing to get out was enough to get Sam to agree to a brunch he was otherwise less than eager to attend.
Tina shrugs. "No idea. Sounds like a cat?"
"No,Bitsis Beth. Cap calls herBits. It's like a childhood nickname or something," Carl explains.
"Oh, right," Tina replies, nodding with some kind of understanding.
I look back and forth between the two of them. "And Beth is...?"
"Cap's kid sister."
Oh. I didn't know Sam had a sister. But then, why would I? We're not even friends. "Does she go to school with us?" I ask.
Carl shakes her head. "Not anymore. She's a sophomore, but she's homeschooled now."
Why would she be home schooled?And why am I so pathetically interested in this guy? I don't even freaking know him. I want to ask more questions, but the subject has already shifted to Tina and Andrew and how excited she is to stay over his place this weekend while his parents are away. Apparently they've been sleeping together for a while, but haven't actuallyslepttogether. They've had plenty of sex, but she's always gone home. It seems the physical side of their relationship preceded the emotional side, but now they're catching up. Tina, it would appear, is in love. I offer a cursory smile.
I could not feel more disconnected from the conversation. How common can finding actual true love in high school really be? If there even is such a thing. I never loved my ex, but that didn't stop me from thinking I might, and the one person I was sure I really did love, was gone before I even had a chance to explore it. Sometimes I like to think it would have worked out. Others, my new cynical self is too quick to shoot down those kinds of sentimental fantasies. It can't change anything anyway, what's done is done. The truth is my only examples of "love" are pitiful excuses for the concept. My parents' romance obviously didn't last. Even before I caused their divorce, they never matched the people described in the college love story I was told.
I wonder if Tina is sleeping with Andrew because she thinks she's supposed to. The way she talks about sex, it would seem like she really enjoys it. I wonder if she makes it sound that way because she thinks she's supposed to. If she says she loves him because she wants it to be true. In public they're always affectionate, and she does appear happy. But I know better than anyone, just because they seem like some golden couple, doesn't mean it's true. The way they act in public probably has little to do with what happens behind closed doors.
Or maybe they really are in love and she really does enjoy their sex life. What would I know about it anyway? I used to think I was just a late bloomer, but then I was convinced there was always something wrong with me. I'd said I just wasn't ready, but I was seventeen at the time, and everyone else was ready. By the time I had my first experience with actual desire, it was overshadowed by all the bad, and then gone in the blink of an eye.
Maybe that's why Sam unnerves me so much. Because he's not only attractive - Robin was attractive, Cam was attractive - but Sam, I'm attractedtohim. I'm starting to think that maybe I was right the first time around - that I just wasn't ready. That I should have just trusted myself. I try to think of things I could have done differently, what I could have changed. I play this game all too often, but Dr. Schall says it's a waste of time. He says my focus should be on the future - on future relationships. But what kind of relationship could I possibly have now? I can't even allow someone to invite me to go for a walk without accusing them of trying to seduce me into God even knows what. And who would want that? Yeah, some future I have to look forward to.
FIVE
S E P T E M B E R, L A S T Y E A R
THE SCHOOL WEEKpasses like normal, except I notice Robin notice me. I ride to school with Cam as always, and wait for him after football practice. Lacey convinced me to try out for cheerleading a few weeks ago, and it was easy enough to make the squad since I've always been naturally athletic. Our practice ends only thirty or so minutes before the football players get out, so I sit on the bleachers doing homework while Cam showers and changes every day.
Other than a nod in the hallway or a passing smile - though that's a great deal more than I've ever gotten before - Robin doesn't acknowledge that he's asked me out, and that we have plans on Friday. Cam asks me a few times if I'm sure I want to go and assures me that I could still change my mind, but I don't want to.
On Friday, the day slips by at a snail's pace. There's no game today, just a practice, so the football players aren't wearing their jerseys to class, but the cheerleaders have to wear our uniforms every Friday, whether there's a game or not. Next week will be the first away game, and in three weeks is homecoming. Though there will be a vote, there's no doubt that Robin and Maddie will be King and Queen and Cam and either Lacey or Missy will likely be Junior Prince and Princess. Other than teasing Cam about it, I'd never been interested in homecoming court, but now that I'm a cheerleader I'll at least have to ride in the parade and wear my uniform to the dance I've never even bothered attending before.
