"Ror-"
"What the fuck?" I breathe.
I jump up from my seat and stare with wide, horror-filled eyes, as Robin's deceptively boyishly-handsome face smiles at me from his Facebook page. Shock bursts from my throat in a gasp as the tablet tumbles from my trembling hands, and I close my eyes and start counting backwards in an attempt to control my racing pulse.
It all comes crashing back - the terror and the hopelessness - and I flinch away from the hand on my shoulder. My eyes spring open, and I stumble and nearly fall to the ground before catching myself on the arm of the sofa. Sam is beside himself, his face drenched with worry, at a loss for what to do with me. He reaches out to touch me again, and I take a cautious step back. I don't know why. I know he won't hurt me, but I can't think straight right now, and my instinct is to protect myself.
Sam backs up a few small steps, his hands held up in surrender. I close my eyes again and shake my head, trying to pull myself together.
Nothing's changed,I remind myself. I'm in Sam's room. Sam, myfriend. Mysomething more. He wouldn't hurt me. Robin isn't here. It's only his picture. He can't hurt me now.
But why the fuck is Sam's Facebook account open to Robin's page?
I take a deep breath and lean on the arm of the sofa. I should sit. I should calm down. But I can't. I need to stay on my feet. I'm jumping out of my own skin, and I can’t escape the feeling that I need to be ready to run.
"Rory, it's okay," Sam says carefully. "I'm sorry-"
"Why?" I demand, desperate to know why I've just been made to look into the hazel eyes that not only haunt my nightmares, but my every goddamn waking moment.
"I didn't mean for you-"
"Why?!"
"Fuck, Rory, I'm sorry! I didn't mean for you to see that. I was just... curious. I knew his first name and the town you're from. After everything you told me this morning... I just- wanted to look him up, that's all," he shrugs.
That's all? Is he serious?!"I don't want him to be a part of this," I mutter in frustration.
Sam's brow furrows. "A part of what?"
"Us!" I shout.Oh, shit, I didn't mean to say that.There is nous, not really. I rake my fingers through my hair. "I mean...us- our friends, and my life now. Just all of it. I'm trying to move on," I backtrack.
Sam takes a cautious step toward me and when I don't retreat, he takes another. "He's not, Ror," he whispers. "I'm sorry. Please don't let this upset you. I just wanted to know what he looked like; I never meant for you to have to see his photo," he assures me. His fingers tentatively trace my cheek, and I turn into his touch automatically.
"That part of my life is over, Sam. He's nothing, he doesn't matter," I murmur, trying to convince myself as much as him.
Midnight blue flashes with resentment. "How can you say that? Look what he's done to you, Rory! You can't even see his photo without nearly panicking!"
I narrow my eyes at him. "I thought you said you were just curious?" I accuse. "But now it sounds like more than that, Sam, so I'll ask you again. Why were you lookin' him up? What are you plannin'?"I try to sound calm, but my heart thumps in my chest like a snare drum. I know this man, and I know this isn't just casual curiosity. His face is hard, impassive. After all the details I admitted this morning about all the things Robin did to me, Sam is not simplycurious. I recognize the same thing I saw in Cam's eyes the night I told him the same thing.Wrath.
This is why I didn't want to tell him in the first place.
"I'm not planning anything, Rory," he says carefully, and though my gut tells me he isn't lying, he isn't telling me everything either.
But it's not his job to protect me and it certainly isn't his job to avenge me. Nothing good can come of this, only pain and loss - two things I can bear no more of.
"You'll swear to me you ain't goin' after him?" I mean to come across as foreboding, but instead I sound desperate and childish. I may as well ask him to pinky swear.
Sam doesn't respond at first, he just glares at me. "I told you I'm not planning anything," he repeats.
"That ain't what I asked!" I shout.
His fingers shove roughly through his hair. "I don't know what you want to hear, Rory! I fuckinghatehim! Ihatewhat he did to you, and Ihatethat he just got away with it!"
"He didn't-"
"Don't you tell me again about his stupid fucking scholarship! He deserves to be in jail! He deserves to be fucking dead!" Sam's eyes flame with contempt, his muscles tense with hatred.
"It ain't your job to mete out punishment, Sam! I don'twantyou to!"
