Esaias leaned back, releasing him from his hold. Theo sprang from the bed, his stomach twisting into writhing serpents. His fingers fumbled for the washroom handle. The bile crept up his throat. He landed in front of the toilet just in time, as a single cough spewed chunks of his supper.
“Would you like me to get you anything?” Esaias was behind him, fighting to catch his breath.
How does he have the strength?The last Theo saw of him, he was still lying in bed. Theo felt another surge from his stomach and gripped the rim of the bowl.
“I’m fine,” he managed to say, his voice echoing. His throat felt as though he’d swallowed a needle. He didn’t know how many more nights he could wake in a fit and find his head leaning over the porcelain rim. His throat ached, and his stomach cramped. “How are you feeling?”
Esaias leaned against the doorframe, a cough ripping through his throat. “Sure you are, but I’m feeling better. After that last dose, I felt my fever break.”
“It’s only been five days. How is it possible?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe Amaris truly has a gifted skill set.”
Theo sat back and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. The familiar grip of the lever as he flushed the toilet pulled his mind from the residual effects of his dream. Amaris had followed Cornelius’s instructions. Theo thought she’d followed the recipe, at least, but maybe she’d added something. He welcomed the cool water dripping down his face and slid his hand under the faucet to cup a handful to his mouth. He didn’t care that it sprinkled his night shirt in more droplets of water; he was already drenched in sweat.
He gripped the edges of the sink, staring into the drain as the water swirled into its vortex and disappeared. He couldn’t lift his head to meet the reflection. A monster would be the one to glare back at him. A burning crept behind his eyes.
“What’s causing them?”
Theo turned, and a sharp pain shot through his jaw. Esaias only sported his undershorts, but it gave Theo a relieving visual to see the rash had resolved itself. He wanted to say it was the stress, but it wasn’t. With Esaias’s illness, he hadn’t heard when Theo screamed, not that it happened with every nightmare. Sometimes he was silent, staring into oblivion.
He’d been haunted by the spirits of the people he’d killed or who he failed to save. Ever since he took Amaris into the city, she’d wiggled her way into his dreams too. His hand pressed against her throat as she writhed beneath him, begging for her life, but he was consumed by the monster wanting only vengeance.
When she cried before Theo, dropping to her knees as she sobbed, it broke something within him. He knew all too well what it was like to be ripped from his family. A part of him fractured, and from that fissure bled his shame and guilt, but grief was the hardest to bear of them all. He had yet to mourn their deaths or speak with their families, and Amaris’s imprisonment sat in his mind. She didn’t deserve it. He felt indebted to her for saving his life in the river and now for giving him back Esaias.
Theo dared lift his head to see his hollowed cheeks and sunken eyes.A welling began in his chest, the heaviness that overcame him in the city. It was a relief to feel the first burn of a tear. He rested his arms against the sink and wept.
§
Theo sulked downthe hall. The only place he’d find solace tonight was with a book. Sometimes he found his way to the training room, but not tonight. He should have felt elated to see Esaias standing and with a bit of color coming back to his cheeks. Not only would Esaias survive, but it meant Amaris had accomplished a miraculous feat, and his father would have to see that for something. But Theo could only feel helpless as his nightmare lingered.
He was ashamed for surviving that night and the hundreds of nights that followed. For being a coward and hiding within the walls of his home instead of asking for forgiveness. Their families deserved the truth instead of redacted missives. What would they say when they learned it was his fault?
A heaviness clung to his heart, but his feet continued their silent trek through his childhood home. Where he’d grown up beside his siblings and friends, smiled and laughed. He breathed, holding back another round of sobs.
He’d finally discovered the meaning of Isabel’s warning, hoping it would lead him to a resolution, an answer for Duncaster, for Amaris. It was a dead end. An old phrase uttered by a helpless woman, who’d taunted them with the last bit of her anger.
Theo rounded the corner to find Adelaide heading to the beach for a training session. With the extra duties of keeping a watchful eye on Amaris, he hadn’t been able to accompany her. He’d been too exhausted to resume where they’d left off.
“Heading out?” he asked, not bothering to fake a smile. She would’vespotted it instantly, but the prideful grin usually painting her lips when she set out into the night was absent. Maybe she sensed his agony.
“Yes,” she said, her tone short.
He eyed her sword reflecting off the torch between them. It was the first one he’d ever been gifted as a boy. The leather had been dyed and woven into gold and navy plaits. It looked perfect at home by her side. He only wished she could always wear it, having the protection with her.
“I would accompany you tonight, but—”
“Will you walk me out at least?” Adelaide didn’t wait for his response. She latched onto his arm and spun him away from the library.
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a breeze ruffling the curtain of the hidden recess known to house a secret or two. He hid his suspicious glance. If Adelaide was running around at night with a man, he didn’t want to know about it. Partially because he’d kill any man who even looked at her in lust, but mainly he wanted her to have some form of normalcy. She’d never shown an interest in anyone, rejecting the idea of marriage for as long as he could remember. Maybe whoever was hiding behind that curtain would help her see the idea of sharing her life with someone wasn’t all terrible.
“How’s your training progressing?” Theo asked.
“I’ve hit a standstill. I’ve knocked Alan on his ass more times than I can count. I need my old teacher back.” A subtle plea. Her jaw didn’t tighten, nor did her shoulders slouch. She remained firm and squared her stance.
Theo sighed. “I know. I’m trying to make time for it, but with Duncaster and Esaias—”
“And Amaris,” she cut in. “You’ve been spending the majority of your time with her.”
