She trailed through the kitchen instead of racing after Pricilla. Her eyes darted around, scanning her patients, but there was something she needed to do first.
She stepped through the garden doors, instantly breathing in what should’ve been the fresh scent of the morning. She crinkled her nose as she was hit with the coppery scent of blood and the beginning smell of decay instead of the morning dew.
Thumbing her engagement ring, she took a long breath. A wave crashing off the coast pulled her before her thoughts could start piling in.She kicked off her boots and limped toward the water. She only halted when she spotted Theodoric sitting in the sand, allowing the surf to graze his bare feet. Settling beside him, she winced as her thigh twitched, but she kicked her feet out and leaned back on her hands.
“How are you feeling?”
He shrugged. “I could be better.” His gaze remained fixed on the open sea.
She pushed back her hair, which was threatening to pull from her braid as a gust of wind swept over them. “Does your father still want to send me to Elric?” Since Bennet hadn’t whisked her off to the dungeons last night, she had some shred of hope.
“No,” Theodoric whispered. “You’re free.”
Amaris shifted toward the water, watching as a bird swooped down to capture its prey. Finally, something she could understand. She released a well-deserved sigh.I’m free.
“He’s asked for me to offer you a permanent position as the mystique.” Theodoric bent his good knee and wrapped his hands around it. It was such a natural stance for him to sit in the sand with his pants rolled up and water skimming his toes.
Amaris didn’t know how to respond. In a matter of a day, she’d felt tugs to go back home, stay, run, and fight. But the greatest tug of them all was her desire to heal. Only last night, she’d thought she’d never be free, no matter where she was.
“I’m not proud of who I became.” His voice nearly disappeared within the sound of the crashing surf.
“The Hydra?”
“I never wanted anyone to find out. I thought I’d run from it at last when I came home.”
Amaris sat up, grasping her knees between her hands. “You were in a war.”
“But how do I lock it away?” He rounded his shoulders. “I need to be a soldier, not a monster. How am I supposed to fight if I can no longerdistinguish between the two? How do I keep from losing myself?”
Amaris hadn’t known how to describe what came over him when he’d almost killed Sephardi, but now she understood. He’d stuffed everything away to keep back the Hydra, but it’d also hidden who he truly was.
“You became the Hydra to protect yourself, to keep your humanity.” A hidden monster within where he could hide his shame and his guilt. “It may be a part of you, but it doesn’t have to define you.”
Amaris had always believed she’d never kill, but last night, she almost had. She couldn’t aim, but she’d begged for the arrow to land anywhere non-lethal. Hitting Sephardi’s shoulder had been pure luck.
“Who you saw last night…that’s who I’ve become. A vicious killer.”
“I think vicious is a tad excessive.” Amaris smiled, but her mind slipped back to that damp, dark ship and Drauna. She swallowed and pushed aside the thought.
“I’m broken, Amaris. I don’t know if I’ll ever be who I used to be.”
“You won’t,” she replied. “We’ll never be who we were a year ago, a week ago, or even yesterday. Maybe we’re both broken.”
“You’re far from broken. What you did in the last few hours is indescribable. You treated every soldier,” he began. “You boarded that ship to save my sister. I’ll forever be grateful for what you did for Adelaide, for me. You’re an incredible mystique.”
Last night was possibly the scariest night of her life, not even comparing to the terror she had when Derek struck her. Everyone had put their lives on the line, defending each other. Setting up that triage had given her a purpose she never knew she could find.
Amaris stared at her engagement ring. “We all have our faults.”
“I have nightmares about what I did. I feel the panic lingering beneath the surface all the time.”
“You won’t heal overnight, but opening up and forgiving yourself is the first step.”
“What if I can’t forgive myself?”
“Only you can answer that.”
He rested his head on his knee and closed his eyes. “Will you help me?” He turned his head, squishing his cheek on his knee. Any sign of foreboding storms was gone. His eyes were bright emeralds with golden stars.
