“A reminder,” he croaked.
“Of what?” she breathed.
“My failures.” He released a shuddering sigh, his back pulsing with pain.
Her hand hovered over his twitching muscles. He bit back a scream as she laid her gentle fingers along the muscle, and a sensation of pins and needles sprinkled through his back. She didn’t remove her hand. He didn’t want her to. The pain was ripped away as he focused on her and the feel of her hand against his skin. Why did he want her near? He knew she belonged to another, even though he was a vile bastard for daring to strike her.
She pulled back, his mind fracturing as the pain surged with intensity. He gripped the edge of the bed as she got up and grabbed more supplies. She pulled back the bandages. The paste she began lathering onto his wounds was ice against his skin. If she’d been the mystique to tend to him during the war, would he still have the scars? Would his nights still be filled with the hauntings of his past?
“Why did you save me?” His voice was raspy.
Concern flashed over her features, and she withdrew. “How did you…? You mean, your back—”
“No, in the river,” he cried, a tear slipping down his face as his friend’s severed head refused to relinquish itself from his mind. “I’ve cheated death enough in my life. Why did you bring me back?” A sob rattled his chest, but she was there. Amaris slid her hand over his, and he clung to it.
“We don’t get to decide who lives or dies,” she breathed, her voice cracking. She fought back a string of her own tears.
“I should be dead, Amaris. I should have died weeks ago. I should have died years ago.”
He hid his face to shield himself. He couldn’t help it—everything was pouring out of him. Ever since she’d come into his life, he couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t a moment of peace. She was haunting him and forcing him to relive what he’d lost. She’d opened an endless well of emotions withinhim that he couldn’t contain, and her face and the beat of her pulse in her wrist were the only things that had brought him back from his nightmare within Rongstad Prison.
“Why do you taunt me with your existence? Every day I see you, I’m reminded of the second chance I’ve been given that I don’t deserve.”
“Everyone deserves a second chance.” She didn’t hide the tear staining her cheek. “You’re still alive because you were meant to be here. I’d be dead or imprisoned if it weren’t for you.”
“I failed my squad, and now I’m failing you. I can’t protect you like this.”
She wiped her tears, sucking in a breath. “I don’t need you to. Esaias is at the bottom of the steps, and Adelaide checks in. You aren’t alone.”
“I lost my entire squad, my friend! I can’t lose anyone else, no one ever again.” Her thumb caressed the back of his hand as he sobbed into his sheets. He didn’t care about the pain in his back. The agony he felt in his heart was worse. “I can’t stop it,” he whispered. “For the last two years, I’d been able to stifle it, but I can’t anymore.”
“And you shouldn’t.” She let go of his hand, lifting her fingers to his face but hesitated.
He wanted her to brush back the strands of his hair clinging to his forehead, but her hand fell away.
“Feel, Theodoric. Don’t push it away.”
“What if it’s too much to bear?” He stifled his cries.
“Allow others to help shoulder your burden.” Her breaths faltered, and she sniffled. “Don’t stuff the feelings down.” Her gaze drifted to the candle. “I know what that’s like. I think I’m losing myself.”
Theo reached to cup her face and brush aside her tear, but she pulled away. With the single candle, the tower felt entirely too small, but she couldn’t have been farther away. He wanted to pull her closer.
“I’m not who I used to be. I wish I could blame this place, your father, or even Bennet.” She wiped the fluid threatening to drip from the tip of her nose. “But I can’t. My world has been turned upside down cominghere, but I’m beginning to think it wasn’t right in the first place.”
“Amaris, you don’t—”
“I need to tell someone,” she said, raising her voice as she fought more tears. “The night I ran away, Derek and I got into a huge argument over my work.” Her voice grew airy as she rubbed the heel of her palm against her eyes. “But that’s how it goes now. He drinks because he’s stressed, and I fight back because I can’t help it.” She dropped her head, breaking into a sob. “For a whole year, it’s been nonstop fighting, and it’s all over stupid shit. I risk my life every day, but that isn’t what scares me. That’s what fuels me. I’m terrified every day I go home, because I don’t know which Derek I’m going to get. I don’t know if he’ll be baking me breakfast and telling me how much he can’t live without me or if he’ll be screaming at me for leaving my shoes by the door.”
Theo again tried to reach for her, but she fell back against the chair.
“That night, I snapped and punched the mirror because I hated who I’d become, and I ran because Derek backhanded me. He’s gotten close or gripped me, but he’s never hit me. I egged him on, and he hit me.” Her muffled voice turned to cries as she sobbed. “But the scariest part of all is I’m going to go home and walk through that door and attempt to move forward as if nothing ever happened, because I’m terrified to see what else could be out there.”
She’d escaped one prison to find herself trapped in another.
“You don’t have to go back.”
She lifted her head, her face blotchy and her eyes swollen. “What about your father? He’ll never grant me my freedom now.”
