Once we’re all ready he takes the lead with Silver Arrow. I slot Marvel in behind and Kirsty takes the rear on one of Gabriel’s horses. While we walk I admire Arrow. He is a beautiful horse. He’s lean and long-legged, but with powerful hind-quarters, which will be needed for explosive bursts of speed during matches. His coat is dark, but flecked with grey, making it appear almost blue, and across his back and rump it’s lighter, like he has a blanket of frost, a colouring trait he inherited from his dam, Silver Heather. His tail is kept neat and fairly short as it’ll be bound up during matches, and his mane has already been shaved off or hogged to prevent the reins getting caught in it. He’s settled well with Andrés, and walks with a purposeful and powerful rhythmic stride.
“How ya doing?” Kirsty calls behind me, and I realise I’ve been so busy admiring Arrow that I haven’t thought about my own riding, which feels as natural as walking now I’m back in the saddle as muscle memory just took over.
“Fine, it’s all coming back to me.”
“Great, we’ll have a canter when we get to the heath,” she replies. We trek through the woods for a few more minutes and I lookaround at the trees, all of them in their late spring greenery, and it all looks the same as it’s always done, which I find comforting. I spent many hours riding these same paths, which date back hundreds, if not thousands of years. I’ve always thought there’s a certain reverence in treading the same paths our ancestors took, and my time away is barely a blip in their own timeline.
Andrés stops as the path opens out to the rolling acres of the heath. It’s still part of the Monkswood estate but was designated as common ground a millennia ago. It’s about halfway between Blackwood Heath and the next village, Shadowvale, but too far from either to be frequented by anyone but the most determined of walkers so is hardly ever busy. This makes it great for letting the horses gallop, and I’ve raced Gabriel countless times across the short springy turf. Today there are a couple of dog walkers to one side, walking away from where we’re heading so they won’t be a problem.
“Ready?” Andrés checks in with us, and once he has our agreement he sets off in a controlled canter. Kirsty and I follow and soon catch up with him. We hold the horses for a little longer, then Andrés looks at me. I see the question in his face and nod, I’m fine to go faster. I ease my hold on the reins and Marvel responds, moving up a gear into a gallop. The ground is a blur beneath our feet and the winds hit my face, blowing away the past, and I can think of nothing except being in the moment, being alive.
All too soon we reach the other side of the heath and pull up. My heart’s pumping hard and exhilaration runs through my veins. I’ve missed this so much. This on its own is worth coming back to. I laugh to myself, as it was this, or rather the promise of this through Silver Arrow, that was the clincher for Gabriel’s offer. The opportunity to be here, experiencing the joy of just beingalive, that gave me the courage to stand up to Miles. I look over at Arrow, quieter now as if he needed the gallop as much as I did. Suddenly I want to try him for myself and ask Andrés to swap back. Once in the saddle we set off back through the woods towards Monkswood. Andrés pulls his horse up alongside me.
“He’s great. If you ever want to part with him, can I have first refusal?” Andrés asks and I chuckle.
“He reverts back to Gabriel if I no longer need him, so you’ll have to ask him.”
“He’s a wise man, then,” Andrés says ruefully, knowing Gabriel wouldn’t part with him. “He must love you very much to give you one of his best young horses.”
“Love?” Even Arrow stops in his tracks at my exclamation, tuned into my body language. “We’re just good friends,” I say, asking Arrow to walk on again as we’re getting left behind. Andrés shoots me a smirk over his shoulder, and I keep my place at the rear, letting Arrow carry me along.
I recall the dinner last night, when all the awkwardness with Gabriel just fell away, like a shell that broke into pieces allowing what we had before to emerge. I know he felt it too. But love? The love of best friends definitely. Gabriel’s straight, so it can’t be anything else, that’s what Andrés means. Gabriel has always allowed me to ride any of his horses, I wouldn’t have been able to play polo unless he did. Sure, Silver Arrow is a generous gift, but Gabriel was making a gesture so it doesn’t feel completely out of the ordinary. I was worried that seeing Gabriel every day would be difficult, but I’ve been in love with him since I first set eyes on him, so I’ve lived with that realisation since I understood I was gay. I know he’ll never be mine in the way I would like, but I can live with that and can continue to keep that part of me hidden.
I can also cope with him finding love as long as she makes him happy, because I want that for him, he deserves it. Twenty-eight-year-old me can accept those facts in a way eighteen-year-old me never could. I tell myself that it was because I knew he’d never be happy with Celeste, but I’m also responsible for the rift. I couldn’t cope with the thought of sharing him and used what he said as an excuse to push him away, or rather cut myself adrift from our friendship. I’ve been floating through life ever since. Coming back, even though it’s only been a few days, has felt like coming home, and last night at dinner I could feel the anchor of our friendship again. I don’t want to drift again, the completeness I feel when I’m with Gabriel is more important than romance. I know that now, and I’m never going to let go of it.
Gabriel is waiting in the barn when we return. I stop Arrow next to him.
“What do you think of him?” he asks, looking up at me.
“He’s perfect. Andrés rode him first but then we changed. I can’t wait to see how he is on the field.”
“I knew he’d be perfect for you.” Gabriel’s bright smile of obvious delight spreads through me.
“I can’t thank you enough. I don’t even know how to thank you.”
“Just enjoy him, that’s all I need,” Gabriel replies. I dismount and my legs feel a little shaky. I wobble slightly as I take a step, and Gabriel reaches out to steady me, one hand on my elbow and the other at my waist.
“Thank you,” I say, and his hands linger for a few seconds after I’ve regained my balance before he drops them. I feel the loss of them immediately. “Any chance you can bring forward the plansto build a spa and a sauna? To like, now please. I can already feel my muscles stiffening up.”
“Are you feeling your age?” Gabriel grins.
“Fuck off.” I flip him off as well just for good measure, the ability to curse at each other coming back just as easily as everything else. I catch Andrés curious glance.
“I’m three months older than him,” I explain. “For some reason he thinks it gives him the right to call me old.”
“I don’t make the rules.” Gabriel shrugs and I flip him off again, enjoying the warmth of his laugh.
“Seriously, though, we have a hot tub up at the house you’re welcome to use.” Gabriel says.
“A hot tub, that’s new.” It also feels a bit incongruous in a house that’s nearly five hundred years old.
“We do occasionally modernise,” he says, and I raise my eyebrows at him, clearly showing that I don’t believe him.
“You’ll be telling me you have cordless phones and a microwave next,” I joke and his face goes mock serious.
“Yes to the phones, but can you imagine Mrs White allowing a microwave in her kitchen?”
“Never!” It’s true, I can’t, but I’m pleased to hear Mrs White is still the Monkswood cook. She was always kind to me and always gave me an extra biscuit when we went begging her for some when we were kids. I lead Arrow into a stall and Gabriel strips off his saddle while I take off the bridle and put his halter on. Gabriel helps me rub him down, brushing his coat and removingany dried sweat. I check his legs for any cuts he might have before I walk him down to the paddocks to turn him out to graze.
