She heard him chuckle, but he knew not to wait for her to complete the act for him. Brushing her hands aside, he positioned himself and drove into her body. Drove so deep he ignited her, drove her right into an explosion that consumed her, pulled cries from her, compelled her to use her own hands to claim him as her own, every inch of him, and then wrap her fingers into his hair, dragging him back to her so that she could brand him, mouth-to-mouth, cry to cry, meeting his thrusts and pushing back to drive him deeper, so deep she felt she might rend in two, except that instead of pain or fear, that meeting let in light, a light so blinding she wasn’t sure she would survive it.
It wasn’t until much later that she realized that when he climaxed, he was still inside her. All she knew at the time was that she wanted nothing more than to shelter his wounded soul and help him find surcease.
When he collapsed on top of her, weight and heat and ragged breathing, she knew nothing more than that with her arms tight around his heaving back, her legs wrapped around his and her heart beating against his, she had found her way home.
* * *
It wasinevitable he would remember. Pip knew it the next morning when she woke warm and comforted in his arms, the covers pulled high and his arms tight around her. For one second to the next, he stiffened, and she knew.
He didn’t say a word, thank heaven. But she could almost hear the turmoil roiling around in his brain, how he had taken advantage of her. How she had taken advantage of him. How maybe if he said nothing it wouldn’t be real, and the chance of consequences would simply disappear.
Well, she wasn’t going to bring it up. Especially since, in the cold light of day and the unescapable chill of reality, he was already pulling away, even though he didn’t move. Even still wrapped tightly around her, he had begun to distance himself. She desperately wanted to tighten her own hold, imprison him in her arms so he couldn’t run away. She had known him too long to believe she could.
“It’s time to be up and about,” he said, his voice curiously flat as he began to unwind from her.
Pip figured he would be back in his study within the hour. He was trying to tell her he was done, and this time, she was terrified that he just might be.
She should be glad it wouldn’t happen again. She could only tolerate so much. She could only wake so often with her ear resting over his heart, her body tucked against his, her own heart filled with the sights, sounds, and scents of him, and suspect that he wasn’t thinking how wonderful the night had been, how blissful it was to wake in the arms of his lover, but how soon he could get away.
“It’s a good thing Drake is coming to get me at noon,” she said, not lifting her head. “That way you can escape without seeming churlish.”
“Pip—”
She rose, then, to look down at his sleep-tousled face, so indescribably dear to her that just the sight of him sent such a shaft of pain through her it stole her breath. She knew this time that the minute Theo was back, she would lose her home. And if Theo didn’t come back after all, she would lose everything.
Silently she pulled herself away instead and climbed out of bed to retrieve her nightgown and return to her room.
Joyful was waiting for her, the battered little portmanteau Drake had provided for her already packed, her maid’s uniform laid out on the bed.
“They have a way for you to get word out o’ there if need be?” her maid demanded, her voice gruff with emotion.
Pip washed up. “They do. A special drop on the grounds. I’m also to leave a special marker twice a day so they know I am all right, and there will evidently be someone always watching if I need immediate help.”
Joyful gave a brisk nod. “Then you let me know you all right. Hear?”
Pip smiled at her, even though they both knew she wasn’t happy. But then, neither was Joyful.
After she dressed, Pip spent her time going over her instructions one more time. And then she sat and considered her future. Cycles of need and comfort and cold isolation. Hoping every time would be different even while she knew it wouldn’t. Too much stood between them. Too much that would still be unresolved even if Theo did come back. Especially if Theo came back. And it would all continue unless she made a decision.
She did not wait for a messenger to come get her. She had two more tasks to do before the coach picked her up back by the mews to take her to whatever hideaway Drake had found to hide their activities. She had to say goodbye to Beau. And then she had to tell Joyful what that meant.
Clad in the drab gray merino wool that would become her uniform but saving the mobcap for later, she descended the stairs and made for Beau’s study.
She knew she was making the right decision when Beau couldn’t find a smile for her when she walked in. He rose from the chair behind his desk and considered her. “Would you like a seat?”
She shook her head. “I’d rather you didn’t see me off,” she said. A lie, but a valid excuse for the fact that he might not anyway.
And then she made the mistake of looking at him.
Blast him.Blasthim. She knew he would be relieved when she said what she had to, and that hurt worst of all.
“Drake thinks this will only take a few days,” she said and saw him withdraw even further. He was so frightened, and she suspected she was the only one who could see it.
“And yes,” she said with a forced smile before he could say it, “I will be very careful. I have no desire to be a fond memory. But if you see Theo before I do, tell him I am extremely displeased that he has put us through this.”
Beau smiled back, just as strained. “I will. And I do not care what Drake says. If you think you might be in danger, get out of there.”
She nodded, even though both of them knew it wouldn’t happen. “Happily. Will you stay in town?”
