He did, and his laughter came even harder when he did. She looked perfect. The lantern made her white-blond hair glow like silver, and she’d changed into leggings and a soft pink shirt that made his mouth water. But her face fell at his delight, and she crossed her arms over her chest defensively.
“It’s not you. You’re beautiful.” He clamped down on the laughter. “It’s…” He pointed at his sleeping bag again. “It’s that. It’s this.” He pointed overhead where rain spattered cozily against the roof. “It’s out there.” He pointed beyond them to the washed-out section of trail separating them from their car.
“I’m sorry you’re having such a bad time.” She shrank into herself a tiny bit, and he shook his head.
“No, you don’t get it. I’m having a really, really good time.” His heart was at war with his brain, and he was so tired of fighting it.
Her head lifted, and she nodded slowly. “Ah. Yeah, I get it.” Her eyes dropped, then bounced back up to his. “So what would you normally do if you were down a sleeping bag?”
He’d led countless groups on countless overnight excursions. He could be a professional. “It’s already cold, and it’ll get colder. I’d need to find someone willing to unzip their bag so we could both use it like a quilt.”
Her control barely held as she said, “Well, good thing I’m here to volunteer.”
“Good thing,” he said a little hoarsely.
They were quiet again as she turned around so he could change into flannel pants and his favorite Elizabeth Warren sweatshirt, and when she turned back around, they arranged their sleeping pads side by side and inflated their pillows. Then he unzipped the bag that William had loaned her.
“Huh.”
“What?” She looked up from where she was pawing through her supplies.
“William gave you his best sleeping bag.”
She located a pair of the colorful striped socks he’d picked out for her at the store and settled onto the pad to pull them on. “That was nice of him.”
“Yeah. Nice.” He unfurled the open bag with a snap of his wrists. “I knew you were going to love him.”
She straightened her legs out in front of her, pointing her newly covered toes. “Come on, I don’t love William. I like working with him.” She reached for her side of the blanket and pulled it up to her waist. “Here’s my question: Doyoulike me working with him?”
“Obviously.” He stretched up to snap off the lantern, realizing as he did how cold it had gotten in the tent. “I suggested him.”
They were plunged into darkness. The rain had started to let up as they finished their nighttime preparation, but clouds still covered the moon, blotting out the ambient light. He only knew Faith had lain down when she pulled the blanket up, so he followed suit, lying on his back inches away from her.
“Then why do you end up biting my head off every time the three of us are together?” She fidgeted in the dark next to him. “I know it’s not jealousy. Hell, when we actually had sex, you didn’t even acknowledge it was me.”
His eyes fluttered shut at the memory. “I knew it was you. The whole fucking time, Dutch.”
For a moment, the only sound was their breathing. Even in the dark, he could tell when she rolled to face him. Her voice was closer, the heat from her body more immediate.
“I need you to understand that using you wasn’t ever… I loved you so much, Leo.”
He immediately knew that she wasn’t talking about sex at a rooftop bar. She was talking about that day twelve years ago when they’d shouted terrible things at each other and blown up each other’s worlds.
“I’m so sorry,” she said hoarsely. “So many times, I wished I could go back. Tell myself not to write any of that. Tell my dad I didn’t need a killer essay to get into college. Tell him not to mess with my life. But mostly I’ve wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I ever wrote it. It wasn’t my place to use your story like that, and I’ve been ashamed ever since.”
In the past, any reminder of their old fight would’ve hit like a baseball to the solar plexus, but not tonight. Not after seeing her at her job, witnessing her commitment to her work. Not after spending enough time around her that forgiveness and understanding had seeped into those old places where hurt and resentment used to fester.
“Thank you for saying that.” He turned so he was facing her too, even if all he could see was the faintest outline of the curve of her cheek. Maybe that was for the best; this conversation was easier in the dark. “I appreciate you saying that to me.”
She shifted, her knee grazing his under the sleeping bag. “I did think of you as different from me when we first met. I knew you didn’t have any money, and I liked being able to help you.” Another shift, and that contact disappeared. He missed it. “And then I had to build my own life without my parents’s money, and I realized how fucked up that was. I’m sorry for ever thinking I was some kind of savior to you.” She gave a bitter little laugh. “All the privilege in the world, and I was trying to do good for selfish reasons.”
He let her words wash over him, surprised at how good it felt to hear her say all that out loud. Then again, they’d had a bit of a reversal recently. He understood that part of her now more than he ever had. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the logistics of your work and forget the actual humans involved,” he said. “Why do you think I started getting out of the office to work directly with the people in town?”
“I thought it was because sitting behind a desk makes you stir crazy.”
He snorted softly. “Okay, that’s the other reason.” God, she knew him so well, just like he knew her. The truth was, he’d never loved anyone the way he’d loved her: with his whole, open heart and all the trust a child has that the world couldn’t touch them. But it had. And then it had tossed them back together years later and given them both the chance to apologize.
“I’m sorry too.” For everything. For all of it. For shutting her down, for being too full of wounded pride, for refusing to forgive the girl he’d loved. “I should’ve listened to you that day. Let you explain.” He hesitated before saying the rest of it. “You actually did help me, you know? I still use some of the stuff you suggested.”
