I laugh. “Yeah. It’s been an eventful couple weeks. But good ones. Genuinely,” I add with a smile. “Not just saying that.”
Her eyes narrow. “Walk me through it.”
So I do.
I tell her about going into the building after Ames, the bone-deep terror I felt and the panicked effort to get him out, about how I’d felt at the hospital, about realizing that I couldn’t marry Lissa when all I wanted was to be with Ames.
About learning to finally set boundaries with my brother because I was trying to force something that wasn’t healthy or reciprocal.
Then I tell her about Ames. About kissing him. Abouthow this past week of friendship plus benefits is everything I ever wanted for my future…
Except for the part where Ames keeps tossing out casual comments about “enjoying it while it lasts” and “when you experiment with other people,” like it’s a foregone conclusion that I can’t want him, just him, only him.
When I’m done, Dr. Colburn’s staring at me like I’ve grown an extra head. “I have to say, I’m impressed. Last time we met, you were struggling to make decisions that prioritized your own needs. Now, it seems you’ve made several.”
“It’s like dominos,” I say with a shrug. “Once you make one hard decision—deciding what you really want and can’t give up, like you said—the next ones are easier.”
“And does that include your sexuality?”
“That wasn’t a decision,” I say firmly. “Wanting Ames hit me out of the blue. That’sreal. But I guess accepting it for what it is and acting on it were choices.”
Dr. Colburn smiles. “Yes.”
“But it wasn’t as big a deal as I’d have expected. I’m a little sad I hadn’t realized it before, honestly, because it would have made things easier…”
My mind drifts toward images of what that would have looked like. Having Ames, beautiful Ames, naked and hard for me the way he’d been in the shower. On the sofa.In my bed.
I shake my head to erase the second-guessing.
Dr. Colburn tilts her head. “Except it sometimes doesn’t work like that, does it? We make discoveries about ourselves when we’re ready, not when it’s convenient.”
I laugh. “Yeah. I guess. Anyway, there was no identitycrisis, really. More like something’s clicked into place? Like I’m still singing the same song as usual, but I finally have the right tune. And the sex is… well.” I clear my throat. “With the right person, it’s not about gender, it’s aboutthem. About wanting them to feel the best ever. And everything’s just heightened. Being with Ames like this… it feels right.”
She nods thoughtfully. “And how does Ames feel about this?”
“Well, I’ve told him how I feel and what I want?—”
“You did?” She blinks again. “Wow.”
I blow out a breath. “Yeah. But he keeps reminding me I just broke up with Lissa, so I need time, and that I just discovered this part of my sexuality, so I need to explore it.” I can’t keep the frustration out of my voice. “It’s like he thinks I need to wait some prescribed amount of time, or go on an app and find a specific number of people to hook up with, and only then will I be able to sayfor surethat I want a future with him.”
“And,” she says carefully, “how do you feel about that?”
“It’s ridiculous. I’ve never been interested in hookups. That’s not me.”
“I meant about taking your time,” she says in a soothing voice. “Youwerein a long-term relationship with Lissa. It’s healthy to have some space before jumping into something new?—”
“I know what you mean,” I interrupt, “but I’m notjumping. I was already living the life I wanted with Ames. I just had the wrong label on it.”
“Best friend instead of… partner?”
I nod. “I wanted a stable future, and Lissa was part of what I thought I needed in order to have that. Lissa’s kindand sweet, but I realized I was never really in love with her, more like the idea of her. Of us together. And I think it was the same with her. We were both in love with the future we thought we could have.”
“That’s a painful realization.” She smiles a little. “One you might want to sit with.”
I shrug again. “Maybe, yeah, if I hadn’t also realized how hollow that future would be. What I have with Ames was already everything. And now it’s more.”
Dr. Colburn is quiet for a moment. “But he’s not ready to commit to that?”
