“Ames said that too,” I admit, shaking my head. “I’ve been so freaking sure Mike would get his shit together, and we’d repair our relationship, and then Ames would see…” I trail off.
“What would he see?” she asks, cocking her head.
“That I was right, I guess?” I roll my eyes. “That having my brother in my life, giving him so many chances, didn’t mean I was weak. That it showed I was strong enough to hold my family together.”
Dr. Colburn gives me a sympathetic smile. “From everything you’ve said, I doubt Ames sees you as weak.”
I shrug. I don’t want to think so, though sometimes I wonder.
“But holding your family together isn’t your job either, is it?” she prompts.
“Well, it kind of is right now since Mike isn’t?—”
She shakes her head and leans forward, making her glasses slip down her nose a little. “Sorry, but I’m going to stop you right there because this is important. It’s not weak to give people grace, but it’s not strength to hold on to things that no longer serve you. You can’t make Mike value your relationship. In fact, you can’t control how Mike or anyone else feels or acts, full stop. His emotions and his reactions aren’t yours to manage.”
Fuck. I know she’s right about this too, though I hate it.
I make a face, and she laughs out loud.
“I know. It’s a bummer,” she agrees. “But on the flip side, you can control yourownactions. You can decide where to draw boundaries—like the financial boundary you already drew. You can decide what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you can’t live without. And I promise that once you’ve aligned your actions to your priorities, it will get alittleeasier to handle other people’s unhappiness.”
“Not sure that’s true when it means losing my family,” I say woodenly.
Dr. Colburn frowns. “You’ve mentioned this a couple of times, Robbie—this idea of losing and keeping family. I want to challenge that perception. Do you need to have Mike in your life in order to have a family?”
“You mean because I’d still have my nieces? I guess that’s true.” I shrug. “Unless Mike was feeling really petty and wanted to keep them from me. But even then, theirmom would make sure I could see them. Anna’s terrific. She’s a nurse over at?—”
“Your nieces, sure,” the doctor interrupts. “But what about Lissa’s family? You’ll have them, right? And the Axfords, who’ve made you part of their weekly dinners? It certainly sounds like they consider you family. Or your crew at the station? I know you care for them deeply. And it’s obvious how much Ames means to you. Isn’thelike a brother?”
“Uh.” My cheeks flame, and I fidget in my seat.
I need someone who’s in my corner and can suck my…
“Not a brother, no.” Not these days, for damn sure. “I think I get what you mean, though. And yeah, Ames’s family have always been really good to me. They go out of their way to make me feel included. But it’s not the same as having a real family, is it?”
She cocks her head again, and the beads on her glasses chain clink. “What makes someone family? Is it genetics and shared history? Or is it people who care about your well-being, who make sure you feel included, who show up for you consistently, who know how to takeandgive? Which kind of family isreal?”
“I…” I open my mouth, then close it again. I stare at the cat clock, my overloaded brain suddenly moving at its exact tick-schlockpace.
I know she didn’t mean to, necessarily, but it feels like Dr. Colburn’s thrown the facts of my life into the air like confetti. I don’t know how to put them back in order.
And the woman’s not done.
She sits back in her chair with a smile, like she can see my brain’s chugging and she’s happy about it. “Robbie,the question you asked at the start of our session, about whether people can change at their core?”
I blink, trying to remember what I’d even been talking about then. It feels like this appointment started a week ago, even if the cat clock disagrees. “Yeah?”
“I think the best you can do is respond to what’s truetoday. Don’t get stuck thinking about what was true in the past or what might happen in some idealized future. People will show you who they are. You just have to believe it.”
I manage to nod, but her advice hits harder than it should.
Because I know she’s talking about Mike…
But I was talking aboutmewhen I asked that question.
I’m walking downWhether Street a little while later, only half paying attention to where I’m going because my mind is still riding a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Every time I have a thought about what family means, I think of Mike. Then I think of the Axfords. Which, of course, makes me think of Ames. Which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to sit next to him again without feeling tiny zaps of want. Which makes me think about what I feel for Lissa, and whether it’s ever been like that…
