Dude. You don’t text Lissa for money. Ever. What were you thinking?
I show her the text before I send it, but Lissa still seems unhappy.
“Honey, you’ve lived in Winsome longer than I have. I don’t need to remind you it’s a small town, and people talk. If Mike’s reputation’s linked to yours, it’ll be linked to my family’s, too, once we’re married. So just… think about that, okay? About our future.”
Lissa’s right—it’s her business since she’s going to be my wife.
Just like Ames said yesterday.
She shrugs one elegant shoulder. “You’ve said in the past that you can’t cut contact with your brother because you want to be there for his girls.”
“That’s one reason. I… I don’t condone what Mike did. Not at all. But he’s going through a lot right now?—”
“When is he not?” she asks quietly.
I shut my mouth because Ames has said the same thing. Hell, Dr. Colburn said something similar too. And I know that when so many people say the same thing, I should listen.
Before I can answer her, she continues. “In five months,we’ll build our own family. From the ground up. But you have to cut the old branches to enable new growth, Rob.”
Something about this feels wrong, but I can’t put my finger on what, so I just nod mechanically.
In fact,wrongis the predominant emotion I’m feeling. It’s been in the back of my brain since Ames started acting weird more than a week ago, but it became unignorable yesterday—I need someone who’s in my corner and will suck my?—
Now, it’s like a buzzing under my skin that’s driving me crazy. Tiny bees, stinging me from the inside, that won’t let me go back to right-foot-left-footing it through my life. An awareness that my life isn’t as firmly in my control as I thought it was… which, come to think of it, is a defining characteristic of drifting sailboats.
Fuck.
We finish lunch, and when we head out to the parking lot, the March wind’s cold enough to make Lissa shiver and press against me. I wrap an arm around her instinctively.
“Thanks again for making the drive, honey,” she says when we get to her car, turning up her face for a kiss.
I lean down to give her the quick peck she’s expecting, but when our lips touch, I can’t help pulling her against me and deepening the kiss.
I want so badly to ground myself in her and chase away all the confusing thoughts in my head with something simple and physical and normal.
For a second, she kisses me back. Then she gently pushes me away with both hands.
“Robbie,”she laughs. “Easy, tiger. We’re in a public parking lot.”
“Then let’s go somewhere private.”
I’m breathing harder than I should be, not because I’m feeling super into it but because it didn’t work, damn it. The buzzingwrongnessis still there.
In fact, it’s worse than before.
She laughs again, but now there’s an edge to it. “Babe. We made an agreement.”
“Maybe we could rethink the celibacy challenge. Or at least expand it to allow, say, FaceTime?—”
“Robbie.” Lissa looks wounded. “I want us to be more than just sexual partners.”
“We are! Of course we are. Jesus, Liss. I don’t wantonlysex. I’m not that guy. I want…”
Someone who’s in my corner and will suck my dick while he’s there.
“Never mind,” I say, stepping back quickly. “Sorry. You’re right. Moment of weakness. I’m not thinking straight.”
Understatement.
