“Tell me.” I love the way the bridge of her nose wrinkles a little when she’s talking passionately. She’s so expressive. Her heart is out there, showing everyone who she is.
“I’m smart. And organized. And I’m a good sister. A good daughter. I’m just not Katherine, and I’m never going to be Katherine, and I’m okay with that.”
“I’m okay with that too,” I say.
She laughs. “I’m probably not making much sense. And I’m not looking for you to agree—”
“But I do agree.” I miss her so much. I want to pull her into my lap and bury my face in her neck. I know holding her will make me feel better. “You’re a good person, Lucy. And of course you’re smart and organized and all those other good things. I’ve never doubted it.”
As we stare at each other, both of us grin. I’m not sure what we’re smiling about. The New York summer? The sandwiches? The happiness that comes from being in each other’s company? I know that since I moved to New York, I haven’t been happier than I am when I’m with Lucy.
“How are you?” she asks, her voice tinged with concern. “Are you taking care of yourself?”
“Things are going well,” I reply and take another bite of sandwich to avoid getting into the nitty-gritty. I don’t need to hear about how I should be sleeping more or taking better care of myself. What’s important is the business is doing well. Clients are happy. Employees are productive. That’s what’s important.
Doesn’t mean I don’t miss her.
She smiles at me, watching me chew. “Tell me.”
I finish my bite, and Lucy seems happy to wait in silence. She shoots me a look like she knows I’m trying to avoid talking and she’s not going to let me get away with it. Our eyes lock as we both chew, and I chuckle at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Eventually, what seems like an hour and a half later, I swallow. I take a swig of my drink, but Lucy is already taking another bite. She’s not going to fill this silence for me.
She always was the most stubborn woman.
“The business is going well,” I say. “Our revenues are up ten percent year on year. I’ve got a pitch for a new client coming up this week. I’m all prepped for it. I’ve kind of honed those things now. Plus we have a track record that makes things easier.”
“That’s great,” she says, finally breaking her silence. “Sounds like you haven’t missed Ed at all. I always believed in you.”
Her words hang on my shoulders, heavy and unmoving.
She always believed in me? Of course she did. How could I have doubted it?
“I’ve tried not to disturb him on his honeymoon,” I say. The fact is, I haven’t needed to disturb him. We work closely together. I usually know what’s going on in his office and vice versa. There have been no surprises. Nothing crawling out of the woodwork that I didn’t expect. She nods, urging me to say more. “It’s not been as bad ... like, things didn’t collapse when he left.”
Her smile doesn’t exactly sayI told you so. It’s sympathetic. Caring. I’ve missed it.
“Maybe we’re both learning that how it was doesn’t mean it always has to be that way,” she says.
It’s been two weeks. It’s not like Ed has retired. “Maybe,” I say. “Anyway, Ed’s back on Monday.”
“You heard they got an offer accepted on a house?”
“Yeah. So they’ll be caught up with that soon,” I reply. I just gotta keep on as I’m going. All the plates are spinning in the air. I’ve proven to myself, if I work hard enough, I can keep them spinning. I don’t want to give them an opportunity to drop. I can’t afford to take my eye off anything.
“Life is moving on,” Lucy says on a sigh.
I’m not sure lifeismoving on. Not for me, anyway. I feel like I’m on a treadmill and I’m having to run faster and faster just to stay in the same spot. Ed’s life is moving on. Katherine with him. Even Lucy’s moving on. I won’t get to see her as she blooms. Now she’s gained a little confidence, there’ll be no stopping her, but I won’t be there to witness it. The thought slices through me like a broken shard of glass. Everyone’s moving on. But I’m still in this one spot. Stuck.
Chapter Thirty-One
Lucy
I actually wish there weremorelighthouses on the wallpaper in my old childhood bedroom. The repeat on the pattern means there are only three versions. Three lighthouses is just not enough in a room this size. It’s the way to madness. I hate it.
I hate everything at the moment. I hate being here at Mom and Dad’s, but for the first time ever, I also hate being in New York. I hate half hoping, half worrying that I’m going to run into Hunter. I hate being without him. I hate that I’m missing him.
I usually unpack my bag when I arrive. Mom usually insists. But not today. I’m only staying overnight. I want to see my sister andoohandahhover her honeymoon photos. I want to hug her, then I want to be here for her when she tells Mom she and Ed are moving. Then after lunch tomorrow, I’m going right back to New York. I’ve brought my LSAT study book with me so I can go through it on the plane. I need to reprioritize. Put myself first. I want to pass this exam.
