“Ya. I think for me, it was always big milestones. I wanted my dad to be there for them, and when he wasn’t, I would have to stop and just let the waves of grief hit me and pass. High School Graduation was the hardest. I wanted so badly for him to be there for me. To be proud of me.”
“He’s proud of you,” Isa says, her hand shooting out to touch mine before she pulls it back. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when he passed.”
I grab her hand she had dropped in front of me, and squeeze it.
“You’re here now.”
We spend the next half hour eating and people watching. For a moment, I forget the entire world exists, but then the loud atmosphere begins to die down, and we head back to the car. We listen to the radio in complete silence, her hand sitting next to her on the seat, and mine itching to grab it to comfort her and tell her how much I missed her. Missed this.
When we reach the turnoff to her house, Isa breaks the silence.
“You’ve changed a lot, but you’re still the same in some ways,” she says, biting down on her lip.
“Changed how?”
“I don’t know. It’s your energy. You seem more confident than you were when you were growing up. Like you understand who you are. I feel like I don’t recognize myself anymore.”
I slow the car down and park outside her house. I turn my body, giving her my undivided attention even though she’s looking back out the window, shutting me out from the most vulnerable parts of her.
“I feel like my whole identity was wrapped up in who Iwas as a wife and a mom. This is the first time since the divorce that I actually feel free enough to figure it out. I was so young, I didn’t ever get to, you know?”
“I get it. I think we are all trying to figure out who we are after high school. You’re not alone there.”
I watch her reflection in the window. Her brows pinch together as she processes my words before she turns back to face me.
“You know, there’s a part of me that felt so relieved when I caught Juan Carlos cheating. It was the reasoning I had been searching for to get myself out of that marriage. Sometimes, I wonder if I brought it upon myself, and that in some way, we both failed Junior.”
Scooting closer, I grab her hand and look into her eyes. The beautiful brown ones holding back the tears.
“Life is hard, Isa. Your life was hard. But there’s no fucking manual on how to do it right. And as far as Junior is concerned, he doesn’t see you as a failure.”
“He doesn’t?” Her voice cracks, and a tear spills down her cheek. My free hand rests on her cheek, my thumb gently removing the tear.
“He told me everything. How you grabbed all his stuff and left yours because it didn’t fit in the car. He told me how he heard you crying the whole drive back to Corpus, but he held his eyes shut so he didn’t start crying. That kid loves you. The fact you worry about failing means you’re doing something right, but just know you’ve never once failed him.”
I pull her close to me and let her cry it all out. She wraps her arms around me tightly, and my whole chest explodes. There has never been a moment I didn’t want to be this for her. Her place of peace and comfort. I wanted to be the one to reassure her and protect her. Me. It was always supposed to be me.
When her breath begins to steady, she breaks away from the embrace.
“Thank you.” Her eyes are locked on mine. My gaze drops to her lips, and I lean forward slowly before a loud thud sounds on the top of my car.
“Hey culero! Where you been!” Desmond shouts.
Isa’s eyes widen, and she rushes out the door.
“Isa,” I call out. “Don’t forget your to-go box.”
I don’t usually work Sundays, but I wanted to surprise Isabel. When my father was alive, he knew the difference between filling my mother’s head with illusions and providing solid proof of his affections toward her. I wanted to show Isabel I cared, but I didn’t have the right words. I was by no means a Casanova when it came to romance, but I knew my way around a car.
“Don’t forget your to-go box? No mames güey,” Greñas says, shaking his head in disapproval. “Who says that, fool?”
Little brothers are a pain in the ass naturally. My little brother, however, was the king of enfadosos. I made the mistake of telling him about last night’sdate?Was it a date? It felt like a date, but I wasn’t sure where Isabel stood.
“Chale. I told you I panicked,” I explain from under the car.
“You should have just gone for it. That’s the second time you wussed out.”
“What’s he wussing out on now?” I hear another voice say from behind me. I pull the creeper I’m on out from under the car to meet Juan Carlos’s wide smile.
