Emily waited patiently for him to answer, but when he didn’t she went on. “I’m sure the therapist in Maryland explained to you that what you are experiencing is survivor’s guilt.”
“Not justsurvivor’sguilt.” Damon squeezed the ball so hard he expected it to burst. “Outright guilt. It was all my fault.”
“Why do you think that?”
“It was my turn to drive. I should have been behind the wheel not King.”
“Why weren’t you?”
He kept his head down, focusing on the squishy anomaly, as he explained why they let King drive so often.
“Was King a careless driver?”
Damon’s head jerked up. “Of course not.”
“But you think you could have avoided hitting the IED?”
“No.” Damon was back to grunting.
“So, you think you should have been the one to die.”
No.
He thought about how that would have devastated his mother. His whole family. Most days, he was grateful he’d survived, but other days...he wondered why he’d been spared just to feel so lost and damaged.
Emily waited a few beats, letting Damon process. “What do you think Corporal Ford and Staff Sergeant King would say to you if they were here?”
A small smile lifted Damon’s lips as he heard Chevy’s voice.“You got your boring life, like you wanted, so why aren’t you living it?”
King’s voice chased Chevy’s.“Now who’s skipping leg day?”
“Do you think either of them blame you for what happened?”
He pictured their faces; Chevy’s crooked grin and King’s thick brows that only lifted when he smiled even though the rest of his face didn’t get the memo.
“No.” It was little more than a whisper. Even though he believed they didn’t blame him, he still did.
Little by little, Emily drew Damon out.
He mutilated the ball in his hands to the point it should have ruptured as they discussed his PTSD and flashbacks, identified triggers, then ended with some coping mechanisms.
“Damon, look at that ball in your hands.”
He’d hardly taken his eyes off it during the session. For some reason, not looking at Emily made it easier to talk about all the hard stuff.
“It has taken a beating while you’ve been here. No matter what you did to it, it bounced back.” She paused, letting that sink in. “It’s not broken, Damon. And neither are you.”
Those simple words opened the flood gates that he had been fighting to keep locked since shortly after waking up in the hospital. He buried his face in his hands and wept.
Then why do I feel like I am?
CHAPTER 29
Grace opened her front door, unhooked Lily’s leash, then blew on her hands. She enjoyed her daily walks with Lily, but she’d enjoy them a lot more if it wasn’t so cold outside.
She looked around her living room. It wasn’t as cold, but it looked just as gloomy as the gray skies outside. Work and walking Lily were the only things she looked forward to each day. Even studying, which she had enjoyed initially, had become a drudgery.
She talked to Gabe and Paige regularly and visited with Charity occasionally, but after the withering look Damon gave her the last time she was there, she wasn’t sure he’d ever soften and give them a chance.
