"We used to be so close. What happened to us?" she asked as she nibbled on the chocolate chip cookies Lottie had packed.
The smile Daniel had worn for the last twenty minutes disappeared, and he picked up a small rock and threw it into the river. "You insisted we date, then after you became the center of my whole world, you decided you didn't want anything to do with me."
Her stomach bottomed out. She dropped her gaze to her hands as she fought to breathe around the thickness that suddenly filled her throat. She knew she hurt Daniel when she broke up with him, but she didn't realize he had taken it so hard.
"It wasn't like that." The words were quiet and full of regret.
"It felt like that to me." His posture was stiff now.
"I know. I'm sorry." She set her cookie aside as a heavy sense of sadness consumed her. Walking away from Daniel had been the hardest thing she'd ever done. She'd regretted it every day for that first year, but she had goals she wanted to achieve, and she was afraid if she interrupted her schooling to help him chase his dreams, she’d never achieve hers. "I thought I wanted a serious relationship, but it turned out I wasn't ready to get married."
Her instant attraction to him and longing to spend time with him despite their history when she came home for Jake and Emily’s wedding a year and a half ago confirmed that she’d never stopped loving Daniel. Even though there was a gulf between them now, she still cared for him more than she’d ever cared for any other man.
They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, but Riley wasn't ready to give up on trying to revive their friendship.
"We've changed so much. I feel like we hardly know each other anymore."
"Ditto." Daniel's voice was quiet.
Riley plucked a long blade of grass and tore it into little pieces. "Can we work on getting to know each other again and becoming friends since we'll be working together all summer?"
Daniel studied her for a long moment before giving a slow nod.
A spark of hope ignited her chest. She'd half expected him to say no or ask, "What's the point?"
His lips turned up. "You might want to warn Paige that I intend to take back the best friend title before the summer is over."
Riley laughed, a sudden lightness filling her. There were a lot of things she could ask Daniel to get reacquainted, but she couldn't resist diving in and asking the questions she really wanted to know.
"Why do you... drink lemonade with Emily?"
For the second time in less than a minute, Daniel's smile faded. He did that thing where he rubbed his jaw then swiped his hand over his mouth.
When he didn't speak, she pressed on. "Two weeks ago at the calving sheds, you mentioned your...'garbage.’" She made finger quotes. "That's why you talk to Emily, isn't it?" Without waiting for a response, she simply plowed on. "Will you...will you tell me why you sometimes have nightmares?"
She hated putting him on the spot, but she hoped if she could understand what his issues were and how he dealt with them, then maybe she could figure out how to deal with her own. The breathing techniques and tapping Emily had taught her hadn't been very effective yet in helping with her anxiety and panic attacks.
Daniel pushed the bag containing the remainder of his lunch aside and stared out across the water. The muscle in his jaw repeatedly jumped as he propped his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together. He shook his head, but his lips lifted in a tight smile.
A band tightenedaround Daniel's chest. He picked up a small rock and threw it into the river. "Wow, Pockets, you don't pull any punches, do you?"
"I'm sorry. I imagine it's not something you want to talk about, but..." Her words died off before an imploring look filled her eyes. "I want to understand what's going on with you. Why are you back here on the ranch again this summer instead of working for an architectural firm in the city?"
He filled his lungs with the crisp spring air and tilted his head upward. Closing his eyes, he listened to the sound of the trickling water as he mouthed a silent prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And give me the courage to tell Riley about all my faults.
He'd told himself he was done keeping secrets, but that didn't make it any easier to tell people what he'd done. What he'd become. And Riley wasn't just anyone. She used to be his best friend, and he wanted her to be again. She was the woman he'd been sure he'd spend the rest of his life with. The one he'd never stopped loving.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
Daniel's eyes flew open at the dejected tone of her voice. "No, it's not—" He shook his head. "I haven't told many people what I've done and why I'm back on the ranch." He picked up a small twig and snapped it into little pieces.
"Why not?"
"I don't...want people to think less of me or see me as a monster."
Riley frowned. "You are not a monster. Believe me."
