"Did you see him when you stopped at the ranch?" She paused in the process of wiping her tears.
"Of course, I did. He showed me the completed designs for the rec center. It's going to be so amazing." Paige gently rubbed Riley's back. "Is it hard to be around Daniel because of the physical stuff?"
Why did it not bother her when Paige or her mom rubbed her back, but made her want to crawl out of her skin when Daniel did it at the cabin to console her? Why couldn't she separate Daniel's touch from Collin's?
"Yes, but it's more than that."
"Like what?"
"I feel so mixed up inside. There are so many powerful emotionsraging through me. They surge to the surface without warning, and I react, usually in negative ways." She pointed to the sad-looking throw pillows behind her. "Those poor pillows have taken a lot of beatings."
Paige grimaced and rubbed Riley's back again. "That's okay. It takes time to process and heal. We all understand that."
"But I take my anger, sadness, and repulsion out on those around me. Even my mom has learned it's best to give me space." Riley sighed and brushed her hair back from her face. How did she explain why she felt the need to avoid Daniel without giving away things he didn't want others to know? "When I came home from Seattle, I felt damaged, and I'd finally started to heal from it all, but now...I feel shattered."
"You deserve to feel that way. You've been through so much. Are you talking with Emily?"
"Yes, she came over on Sunday, then again on Tuesday and Thursday."
On Tuesday, Riley had been so stir crazy, she told Emily if they were going to talk, she needed to take her for a walk because Riley didn't dare go out alone anymore, even in broad daylight. Emily had been more than willing to walk with her. They walked and talked again on Thursday.
"She's helping me process everything, but I have a long way to go."
"No one expects you to heal overnight."
"I know, but I don't want Daniel to see me like this."
Paige's blond hair fell forward when she leaned down to look Riley in the eye. "He understands you're dealing with some really heavy stuff right now. He doesn't expect anything from you."
"I know, but when I came home from Seattle feeling so violated, I took it all out on him. I overreacted anytime he got too close and I...I hurt him." Riley sniffled. "It's all so much worse this time."
Daniel would probably rather Paige not know how she assaulted him by kneeing him in the groin. It was not one of her finer moments. Nor could she explain to Paige that while she'd struggled to deal with her baggage, she made Daniel's garbage harder to handle.
"I'm afraid if I'm around him, I'll take all these crazy and irrational emotions out on him again. He doesn't deserve that."
A surge of guilt twisted her stomach. He didn’t deserve the icy-cold shoulder she’d given him either.
"They are not irrational." Paige's voice was forceful, then her face grew serious. "He told me what he's been through. About hitting that little boy and his subsequent drinking problem." She pressed her hands to her chest. "I feel so bad. I had no idea he was going through that. I feel like the worst friend ever."
"You and me both." Riley swiped away a tear that leaked out at the thought of the turmoil Daniel must have gone through after the accident. "I know we'd just broken up, but I wish he would have called me."
"That's exactly how he feels right now." Paige's hand landed on her back again. "He wants to help you through this."
Riley's head popped up. "Did he tell you that?"
"He didn't have to. It was all over his face." Paige grimaced. "He did mention what a struggle it's been this week to stay sober."
Riley's heart ached. By trying to protect him from her emotional outbursts, she'd made things harder for him. She knew that was a possibility, so she prayed every day that he’d stay strong. She was thrilled when she received a text from him Monday night with a picture of his nine-month sobriety chip.
He'd texted her multiple times every day this week. Most of them simply said, “I miss you” or “I love you.” Sometimes he shared inspirational quotes or a funny story with her. Once, he recounted a memory from their childhood that made her miss him that much more.
She cherished each text, but she didn't always respond. Riley couldn't make him any promises and give him false hope while she was so screwed up. She wanted to go back to the ranch so badly. Not just to see Daniel but so she could ride Misty. She needed to start feeling normal again.
But could she open herself up to him again so soon? What if being around him made her long to be held by him, but then she felt repulsed by his touch?
"Hey," Paige must have noticed Riley over-thinking things because she grasped her hand. "He understands. He knows it's going to take time for you to feel normal again. He wants to be there for you, but he'll respect any boundaries you set. You know that, right?"
"I do." Tears again flooded Riley's eyes. "I just can't stop feeling anxious."
