Once again,Jessie struggled to catch her breath, while Emily didn’t breathe hard at all. Jessie’s legs were longer than Emily’s, but the shorter woman took her exercise seriously.
“Robert gave me some money to get my hair and nails done. He told me to find myself.” They had been walking for almost ten minutes and had only exchanged menial conversation. Jessie kept expecting Emily to do her psychologist thing and draw her into a conversation about herself and the abuse she’d suffered. But Emily seemed to be waiting for Jessie to take the lead.
“Is it just Robert who thinks you’re lost? Or do you feel you need to find yourself?”
Robert had insisted her talents were an essential part of her and weren’t gone entirely. Jessie didn’t know what to believe.
“Patrick took away parts of me I don’t know how to get back. I can’t seem to pick up all the pieces. And I’m not sure what to do with the few fragments I have left.” Jessie focused on not falling behind while she lifted her hair off her neck and wrapped a hair tie around it. “I’m not the same person who left here five years ago, but I feel like I need to fit back into some mold that’s not the right shape anymore or maybe it’s just too small.”
Emily’s voice was quiet when she spoke again. “Do you think you can talk about the things Patrick took from you?”
Jessie didn’t want to relive every slap, punch, and kick, but she needed to get it out. The trauma of abuse festered inside her like a deadly disease. She’d never be happy—never find herself—if she didn’t purge it.
She took a deep breath. “I lost a piece of myself every time he beat me down.” Tears filled Jessie’s eyes and thickened her throat, but she continued to talk about the many ways Patrick had abused her. If she didn’t get it out now, she never would.
With Emily’s questions and gentle encouragement, Jessie talked about how it broke her heart to have her art taken away, and what a nightmare this past year had been with no job, no friends, and barely being allowed to leave the house. Then she talked about how she couldn’t seem to get the painting she’d started right and wasn’t sure she even wanted to paint anymore.
They were approaching the house when Emily said, “Instead of trying to find the person you once were, decide who you want to be and become that person.”
Jessie stopped walking and stared at Emily. “What do you mean? Like filling my wall with positive affirmations to help me reach the goal to become the first female President of the United States?”
Emily turned back and laughed. “You should definitely do that if you have those kind of aspirations. The positive affirmations are a great idea, but what I mean is: don’t try to be the same person you used to be.” Emily started walking again—a little slower this time—and Jessie fell into step beside her. “Identify the things you like about yourself and the things want to change. Write down your strengths and weaknesses and decide if the weaknesses are worth working on or if you’re better off letting them go.”
Emily stopped walking again and looked Jessie in the eye. “You can choose to let the abuse you’ve suffered define you, or you can learn from it, so you never become the victim again. Focus on becoming the person you want to be now.”
Jessie stared at the dusty road in front of her. “I’m not sure I understand how to do that.”
“What do you want your future to look like?” Emily started walking again.
An image of Robert walking through the door, greeting her with a kiss, filled Jessie’s mind. She shook it away. It was way too early to have those kinds of daydreams.
“Your silence tells me you’re overthinking it.” Emily said quietly, but Jessie had a feeling Emily knew exactly what she was thinking. “Picture your future one step at a time. Don’t be afraid to dream big. Will there be art in your future?”
Yes!She’d been suffocating these past couple of years without her art.
But a career based on her art would likely lead her away from Providence. And Robert.
That thought made it as difficult to breathe as losing her art had.
“Write down all the things you want in your future. Do you want a career? If so: doing what. Will you marry again? Do you want a family?”
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Jessie wanted a career in art again, but not one that took her away from Providence. And yes, she wanted to marry again, eventually. But only if it was to the right man. She wouldn’t give that man a name or a face yet, because she didn’t have the right to dream of a life with him. But maybe someday she could become the person he deserved, and they could have a family together.
That meant she needed to get divorce proceedings started. The thought of the backlash that would bring from Patrick terrified her.
They’d reached the ranch house, and Emily put her foot on the top step of the back deck and leaned into a hip flexor stretch. “Jessie, you deserve happiness as much as anyone else.”
Jessie sucked in a deep breath. How long would it take her to believe in herself the way Robert and Emily did?
Two hours later, after breakfast and a shower, Jessie couldn’t find any more excuses to delay doing what Emily asked. But she only had her journal to write in. The journal that chronicled all the abuse she’d suffered at Patrick’s hands. The journal that was full of her weaknesses and fears. Just looking at the black faux-leather book made her feel gloomy and heavy. How could she move forward when so much darkness held her back?
She looked at the painting that sat in the corner. All the things she’d seen wrong with it the other day didn’t seem so obvious today, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to try again. What if she failed?
Instead of picking up the painting, she called her mom to see if they could get their hair done together.
“I’d love to,” came her mother’s enthusiastic reply over the phone. “I’m definitely due for a trim. I’ll see if Naomi has any openings and get back to you. Do you want an appointment for your nails, too? I noticed they need to be filled.”
