“I’ve let this go on too long. You’ll become a casualty of my grief, like Trent.”
She may as well have thrown ice-cold water in his face.
“Tell me about Trent, please,” he said through a tight throat. “The whole story.”
Emily closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the seat. She let out a long sigh. Finally, she opened them but didn’t look at him as she spoke. “Trent is... was my brother’s best friend. They’ve been inseparable since the second grade. When my father passed away, he was there for Cameron and me. He came over almost daily. He brought food, made sure I ate, and spent a lot of time with me.”
Jake’s gut clenched. He wasn’t sure he liked where this was heading.
Emily rubbed her forehead with a shaky hand. “About a month after my dad died, he kissed me. I thought I felt a connection with him, so I encouraged it. Trent filled the empty space my father’s death created. Strange, I know, but I welcomed the relationship. He proposed two months later, and because I craved the comfort and sense of family a relationship provided, I accepted.”
Jake gripped the steering wheel with one hand as his chest tightened. The thought of her becoming another man’s wife stole the air from his lungs.
“A couple months later, after I’d dealt with my grief, he pressed me to set a wedding date. I couldn’t do it because I realized I wasn’t in love with him. I cared about him... but only as a dear friend. I didn’t have the strength or courage to break off the engagement, though, because he’d done so much for me.”
Jake’s thoughts turned to the explosive kisses he and Emily had shared. Were the sparks between them enough for her? Did she feel more for him than she’d felt for Trent? Did she care for Jake as much as he did her?
He wanted to ask her, but he feared the answer. Instead, he said, “What made you finally break it off?”
“A few months ago, he borrowed two thousand dollars, saying he needed the money to help a friend. Then two weeks later, he wanted to borrow more. I confronted him about what the money was really for and found out he...” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “He had some large gambling debts.”
And Maxwell Garrison’s gambling problem cost Emily her father and brother. She must hate the gambling industry like no other right now.
Emily spoke again. “I was angry that he’d kept something like that from me. It finally gave me the courage to break off the engagement. A few weeks later, he decided he wanted help with his addiction.” She gave a sad nod. “But I couldn’t help him. I wasn’t strong enough. I still struggled with so many of my own problems and couldn’t give him the help he needed. So I referred him to someone who could. It hurt Trent that I didn’t love him enough... to help him.”
“And now he’s getting help,” Jake said.
“I’m glad, but it doesn’t change anything. I have even less to give now than I did before.” She looked at him, her eyes full of tears. “That’s why you need to take me home, Jake. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t keep taking from you. I have nothing to give right now, and I don’t want to hurt you by letting things go too far. I can’t do that again. You understand, don’t you?”
A chill swept over Jake despite the warm day. He gripped the steering wheel with both hands to hide their trembling.
“I’m not asking anything of you, Em,” he said. “And I do understand, but it’s too late.” When her brow creased, he shifted to face her so he could caress her cheek. “Things have already gone too far. There is no way I can walk away from you and not feel like I’m leaving a piece of me behind. It will hurt like hell, but I’ll take you home, and I’ll drive away. I’ll give you the time and space you need because I love you.”
Emily pressed her cheek against his palm. She closed her eyes, causing a tear to fall on her cheek. “That’s the problem. You’ve fallen in love with an emotional, needy woman who has taken advantage of your compassion and generosity. But I’m not normally emotional and needy. And I don’t use people, either. Usually, I’m confident, self-reliant, and stubborn, even downright bossy. I need time to deal with everything that’s happened, and I need to do it alone.”
He wiped the tear from her cheek. “You are never alone, Emily. I know you blame God for taking away everyone you love, but He loves you and will not leave you comfortless. If you won’t let me help you, please let Him.”
Emily dropped her eyes. “I’ll try, Jake, but I don’t know if I can.”
“Will I ever see you again?” Jake was almost afraid to ask the question.
“I do care for you, but I don’t trust my feelings right now. I can’t allow myself to fall in love because I’m alone and craving a replacement for my father and brother, or because I want a family. I won’t make that mistake again.”
Her inability to answer his question left the weight of a half-ton hay bale sitting in his gut.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, Emily. It makes you human, not weak.” Dropping his hand from her cheek, he turned in his seat and started the truck.
How do I walk away from the woman who holds my heart in her hands?
* * *
A vice closedaround Jake’s heart, and his legs felt like lead as he walked away from Emily, leaving her on her doorstep. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done. It hurt worse than losing his father.
After everything they’d been through in the past couple weeks, walking away from her was the one thing that brought tears to his eyes.
He thought of how painful his break-up with Lydia had been. It had taken a long time to get over her rejection of him and the ranch. But this pain... he wasn’t sure he would ever get over this.
He’d asked Emily if he could call her to check up on her, but she’d put him off, saying she didn’t even have a cell phone right now. And she hadn’t promised to call him when she got a new phone. She said she cared for him but leaving her standing there with no promise of future contact felt so final.
