Chapter 21
Ben set the borrowed cowboy hat on the rock beside him and pressed a hand to his chest as the memories flooded over him. He wanted to fight them, because they always filled him with despair. Knowing Melanie would never again wrap her arms around his neck, and that he would never again hold his infant daughter left him so empty.
Don’t fight the memories.
He wasn’t sure it would do any good to allow himself to remember, but Melanie deserved to be remembered.
Could he handle the pain that would come with really remembering?
Tears stung his eyes as he pictured Melanie the first time he took her horseback riding. She was so giddy. He’d always thought her beautiful, but the first time they rode together, she’d captivated him. His eyes dropped to the ground in front of him where he’d knelt to propose to her. He’d hardly been able to contain his excitement when she said yes, just as he could no longer contain his emotions now.
As the tears flowed, the urge to fight the memories dissipated. He wanted—no needed—to remember. All of it. The big things and the little things, the good times, and the bad—though gratefully, they were few. He needed to remember the laughter, the joy, and the intimacy.
His throat ached as he sobbed. Once he allowed himself to weep, he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to. Not until he’d wept for the shortness of Melanie’s life, the lost opportunities, the children they didn’t get to raise together. He would never get to teach his daughter to ride a bike, or a horse, or walk her down the aisle.
He sat on the boulder for some time after the tears finally subsided. He felt bad for keeping Amy waiting, but he couldn’t face her yet. Glancing her direction, he saw her laying on her back on the blanket like she didn’t have a care in the world.
He knew better.
She’d had a difficult childhood, but instead of being angry for the bad things that happened to her, she was grateful things hadn’t turned out worse. He wanted to be more like Amy, although in his situation, things had turned out for the worse. He couldn’t seem to find a silver lining.
How did she keep such a positive attitude?
Not without great effort.
Her happiness was a choice.
Could he make that choice? It wouldn’t be easy, but for the first time in a year, he wanted to be happy again.
He rubbed his eyes and raked his fingers through his hair. Pulling out his cell phone, he checked his reception, knowing cell service around the ranch was spotty. Two bars. It was worth a try.
Finding Paige’s name, he sent her a text.Exercise sucks!
Whether it sent or not, he had to admit he felt a little better. Remembering was painful, but that pain was better than the guilt he’d been carrying. Guilt over not wanting to remember because it meant acknowledging all he’d lost.
He sent a second text.But it’s good, I guess.
He stood and stretched. He didn’t want to face Amy, but he’d kept her waiting long enough. Besides, he was starving. Sighing, he put his sunglasses on and pulled his hat low. It wouldn’t fool Amy, but maybe she’d get the message and leave him alone.
He walked toward where she lay on the blanket. She lay so still, as though sleeping. He slowed his steps and studied her. For the second time today, he admired her figure, then his eyes lingered on her face, fair skin, dainty nose, thick lashes, pink lips.
Tightness seized his chest. He should be remembering Melanie today, not noticing all the things that made Amy beautiful. He cleared his throat.
Amy shot up, a flush tinting her cheeks, making her even more attractive.
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s so beautiful and peaceful here.”
“It is.” He lowered himself to the blanket. “Melanie loved this place.”
Amy held out one of the to-go containers containing chicken salad on croissants and fresh fruit. He took it, grateful she didn’t comment on his emotional state.
They ate in silence for a time, then Amy asked, “Will you tell me about her? Where did you two meet?”
Ben didn’t want to talk about Melanie. Not with Amy or anyone. Was that why he struggled so much? Because he wasn’t willing to talk about her. He’d begged Amy to share with him something difficult and painful, shouldn’t he be willing to do the same?
He cleared his throat. “We worked in the same building. We didn’t work the same schedule, but once she caught my eye, I made it a point to linger over my work so I could see her. After we got to know each other, we spent as much time together as our conflicting schedules allowed. We loved it when we could both break away for the weekend.” His lips curved into a smile. “She was so cute the first time I took her riding. I brought her here, and she fell in love with this place. That was the day I realized I’d fallen in love with her.”
The memory was a balm to his troubled soul.
