“It’s okay,” he said, his voice louder now. “It’s the most beautiful word I’ve heard her say, yet the most painful to hear.”
“I’m sorry. This must be so hard for you.”
He let out a heavy sigh. “Everything is hard, Amy. Every time I turn around, I find another reminder of what I’ve lost. Some days, I think it’s getting easier, but other days...”
There didn’t seem to be words to make this situation any less painful for him, so she remained silent.
Sensing Ben’s sadness, Kallie slid off Amy’s lap, scooted across the cushion between them, and climbed onto Ben’s. He wrapped his arms around her small body, and she laid her head on his shoulder, patting his arm with her tiny hand.
Both Amy and Ben chuckled. Her little angel, compassionate soul that she was, didn’t need words to comfort Ben. A piece of Amy wished she had the courage to comfort Ben in such a manner. She doubted it would have the same effect if she’d been the one to lay her head on his shoulder, but the thought was sure tempting.
“What kind of relationship did she have with Lance? I got the impression he wasn’t very involved in Kallie’s life.”
“He was usually there during the daytime, but I’d hardly call him involved. Kallie loved to listen to him play his guitar and sing, but that was about the extent of their interaction.”
“The question is...” he paused, as though unsure how to say what he wanted to ask. “How do you feel about her calling me... Daddy?”
Biting her bottom lip, Amy’s gaze darted away as pain gripped her chest and clogged her throat. Memories flooded her mind of Bruce giving her piggyback rides, ice cream cones at the park, and teaching her to ride a bike, promising to never let anything hurt her. Then suddenly the man she’d called ‘Daddy,’ and trusted to keep her safe chose not to be a part of her life anymore, and Amy experienced the bitter sting of rejection.
The last thing she wanted was for Kallie to know that kind of pain. But how could she withhold something from Ben that could help him heal and deal with the extraordinary loss he’d experienced?
She had no right answer.
She sucked in a shaky breath. “Ben, I—”
“I’m sorry.” He cut her off. “That was unfair of me to ask.”
“No, it’s not you...” She needed to say this the right way. She’d never forgive herself if she said something to hurt Ben again. Taking a deep breath, she said, “I couldn’t think of a better, more deserving person, for my daughter to call Daddy, but I—” Emotion choked her throat, cutting off her words. She swallowed hard, struggling to keep the tears at bay. “I told you the other day how I felt about Bruce.” When Ben nodded, Amy continued, “After my mom divorced him, he made it a point to spend time with me each week, but he eventually got involved with another woman who had two kids... and he didn’t have time for me anymore.” Again, she swallowed hard. “I don’t want my daughter to feel that kind of rejection when you’re ready to move on with your life.”
Kallie climbed back to her Amy’s lap and laid her head against Amy’s chest. Wrapping her daughter in a hug, she choked back the sob that threatened to escape. What a perceptive little girl.
Closing the gap between them, Ben put his arm around Amy’s shoulders. “I understand.”
Amy caught her breath at his nearness, the warmth of his strength surrounding her. She fought the urge to lean into him. She couldn’t give in to the attraction. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him. “Please don’t take what I said the wrong way, I’d honestly never forgive myself...”
“I’m not offended.” He squeezed her shoulder. “I wouldn’t dream of hurting Kallie. Thank you for letting me take care of her. She has helped fill a small part of the void in my life.”
Amy bit back a groan. Ben needed Kallie in his life, and deep down she wanted him to be a part of Kallie’s life too. She wasn’t ready to analyze in what capacity Ben could be a permanent part of her daughter’s life.
“I’m sorry, Ben, I can’t call you... that.”
“What do I do if she calls me... that, again?”
Was it as hard for him to say the word as it was for her? No. It was harder because he would never hear his daughter say it.
“Answer her.” The words escaped her tight throat as a whisper. “But... please don’t refer to yourself as ‘Daddy’.”
At such a young age, Kallie wouldn’t recognize the distinction of whether Ben called to himself ‘Daddy’ or not. Would her daughter come to regret this decision like Amy regretted so many of her mother’s? Would Amy end up regretting this decision? The thought of Ben finding another woman and starting another family hurt Amy, and not only for Kallie’s sake.
“You don’t need to do this, Amy.”
“Maybe not, but she needs a good, daddy-figure-role-model in her life as much as you need her in yours.”
“Thank you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion as he hugged Amy close to his side and pressed his cheek to her hair.
She relaxed and leaned into him. Maybe she could give in just this once. But only a minute.
