“It will come.” Amy squeezed his shoulder, then dropped her hand. “She needs time to adjust. I think the reason she feels more comfortable with me is because Clara was the only one to care for her.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” he said, “It’s going to take some time. Thank you for being here.”
Amy stood, intent on returning to her bed, but Ben rose also, blocking her way. He took her hand.
“What about you? Are you okay?” Ben ran a gentle finger over the rope burn around her wrist.
She resisted the urge to pull her hand away. The burn wasn’t very painful. Unfortunately, she couldn’t say the same for the lingering weight of fear that tightened her chest. She rubbed her forehead with a shaky hand. “I dreamed I was tied up again, and the Suburban was about to crush me.” At least she hadn’t been staring down the barrel of a gun in her dream. A shiver snaked its way up her spine at the thought.
“Oh, Amy.” Ben pulled her into his arms, pressing her cheek against his warm, hard chest.
Ben’s strength reminded her she didn’t need to deal with this trauma alone like she’d done with so many things in her life. The emotions she’d held back all evening broke free, and tears leaked from her closed eyelids as the fear she’d experienced in the barn washed over her again.
Ben pulled back and held her face in both hands. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
“I was so scared.” The words poured out.
As they drove home, Amy had glossed over what happened in the barn because she didn’t want Ben to worry about her. But now, with his hands cradling her face, she wanted to share her burdens with the man she loved.
“Come here.” Ben took her hand and led her to the family room. He switched on a lamp and pulled her down on the sofa beside him. “Talk to me. Tell me everything that happened.”
With his arm around her shoulders, she told Ben about her desperate search for a hiding place, afraid of what would happen when Eddie found her. Tears stung her eyes as she recounted the horror of staring down the barrel of the gun, certain Eddie would pull the trigger. Despair filled her again, tightening her chest, as she recounted being left tied to the support beam in the barn, utterly helpless, knowing she would never see her daughter again.
“I’m so sorry you went through that, Amy, but I’m eternally grateful.” Ben’s arm tightened around her, and he pressed his lips to her temple.
She could get used to all this hugging. She put her hand on his chest and looked up at him. “Please don’t misunderstand me. If I had to do it again, knowing what would happen... and how scared I’d be... I would. I’d do it again, Ben. In a heartbeat.” She paused, debating whether to tell him the rest. “It’s just that... hiding under that Suburban the way I hid under my bed as a child... and Eddie touching me, searching for my cell phone, triggered something, and I can’t let go of the fear.”
Ben placed a comforting hand over hers that had begun to tremble. “You’re safe now. I won’t let anyone hurt you, ever again.” His words soother her as much as the warmth and strength of his strong hand. She sucked in a deep breath, relishing his masculine scent. Hints of his woodsy soap remained on his skin, and his natural male scent threatened to overwhelm her.
I’m safe. In Ben’s arms. But my heart isn’t. If Ben ever rejected her, she wasn’t sure she’d ever recover from that heartache.
Her shaking subsided, but the fear was replaced by new insecurities as she remembered the things she learned about Lance and herself in that barn. She lowered her gaze and sniffed. “Eddie told me something about Lance that... hurt. Worse than his... cheating.”
Ben pulled away enough to look into her eyes. “Before you say anything, let me remind you we’ve already established that Lance is a jerk.”
She frowned. “No, he’s that other word you would have gotten your mouth washed out for saying.” She gnawed on her bottom lip for a moment before continuing. “Turns out, not only was he never faithful to me, he never loved me. He used me because I had a steady job and an apartment.”
“Eddie kidnapped my daughter and let my wife die. You can’t believe anything he said.” The vehemence of Ben’s words and the muscle clenching in his jaw testified of his hatred for Eddie.
Amy’s voice dropped to a whisper. “No. It’s true. Lance used me, and I let him.”
Ben held her gaze. “Why?”
“Because I was so desperate to be loved.” Amy stared at her hands. “I have to believe Lance isn’t capable of loving anyone but himself, because the alternative hurts too much.”
“Which is?”
“I’m not lovable.” Uttering the words aloud hurt as bad as her mother’s rejection of her nine years ago.
Ben sucked in a sharp breath. “You are lovable, Amy. You’re beautiful, courageous, and kind. I... Ilove you.”
Amy’s gaze jumped back to his as her heart stalled.Did he mean it?Or had he only said the words to make her feel better? He raised his left hand to stroke her cheek with his knuckles, and she caught sight of his wedding band.
He doesn’t mean it. If he truly loved me, he wouldn’t need that link to Melanie. And I could never ask him to give that up.
Amy pulled away as Ben leaned in to kiss her. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done, because she desperately wanted his kiss. But she couldn’t become involved with another man who wasn’t fully committed to her. And Kallie.
And she couldn’t expect a man to love her as long as she believed herself unlovable.
