Charlotte nods. “He actually works for me, sometimes,” she tells her like it’s the most normal thing in the world. “I like my clients to feel safe and calm when they come here. Some of them feel completely at ease when they get to cuddle him. And he’s good at it, too.”
“You’re an emotional support ferret?” Riley coos, carefully pinching one of his miniature pointy ears between two fingers.
During that moment, having Riley in front of her with her defenses all the way down, Charlotte feels the inevitability of the situation. The pair of them look so disturbingly disarming that her own guard threatens to falter. She’s never seen Riley like this—so soft, so open, so… painstakingly beautiful. It’s such a strong feeling, it slaps her in the face and embraces her like a blanket all at the same time. It doesn’t just mess with her head or her stomach anymore, but with her entire being. Most of all: it scares her.
Charlotte inhales deeply. “Yes, and as of now, he’s also a great conductor for my feelings, as I am in no waycapable of yelling at you with him on your lap while we’re going to have this conversation,” she rattles in one breath.
Riley looks up, the endearment in her eyes slowly making way for worry. But she nods, she knows this is why she came here in the first place. She positions her arms for Shaky to make a little nest as Charlotte continues, her eyes fixed on the ferret.
“I take it that Gabi spoke to Lou, and Lou spoke to you?” she inquires, needing a ramp to launch herself into the depths of what the next few minutes are going to unravel. “About my text? And about what happened at Lou’s party?”
“Yeah,” Riley answers truthfully. “Not everything though. Gabi’s still very protective of you, even when she has half a mind to sell you to the highest bidder on the black market.”
One side of Charlotte’s mouth curls up. Then, the weight of the situation lands on her chest again.
“So… I guess I should apologize,” Charlotte confesses. When Riley doesn’t respond, she looks up at her for confirmation.
“Hm? Yeah, so go ahead,” Riley encourages her.
“You... ah.” Charlotte sighs in frustration. “Usually, saying that counts as the apology,” she mutters.
Riley shakes her head patiently. “I’d like you to tell me what you’re apologizing for. And then I’ll own up, too.”
When Charlotte catches herself picking at her own fingernails, she grabs a blanket off the floor to fiddle with.
“I am sorry for… being a dick,” she states, praying that would be enough. She knows it isn’t. “For leading you on.” Riley’s expression turns displeased and she corrects herself quickly. “No, that’s not what I mean. Uhm, look, Riley, I’ve made some bad decisions. I obviously shouldn’t have sent you that stupid condescending text and I shouldn’t have provoked you. Maybe… maybe I shouldn’t have kissed you in the first place. That’s when all of this went downhill.”
“Do you regret it?” Riley asks earnestly.
Yes.Yes she does. It had made her feel all kinds of things she didn’t want to think about. “No.”
“Then please don’t apologize for it.”
Charlotte opens her mouth to say something, but then closes it again. She doesn’t know how to continue.
“May I?” Riley suggests.
“Please.”
“I’m sorry for enabling you to do things you weren’t ready for. And I’m sorry for letting you navigate that alone. I should’ve reached out earlier to check in with you. I guess I was just mad at you for how you’d been treating me. Lou brought some sense into me by telling me… well, that there’s way more nuance to your side of the story too.”
Riley gently strokes Shaky’s spine to distract herself. The knot in Charlotte’s stomach starts throbbingpainfully and her whole body yells at her to start thrashing, to do whatever it takes to avoid that sickening feeling, to stop Riley’s words from reaching the innermost part of her soul. Her body wins the battle over her mind, and her defenses slide back into place.
“Things I wasn’t ready for? I’m perfectly capable of thinking for myself, thank you. A tipsy bathroom makeout session doesn’t exactly constitute a 'major event in my life',” she spits, adding air quotes for emphasis. “So no need to tiptoe around me because I kissed a woman once.”
Riley’s composure drops into hurt. “Please don’t do this,” she pleads. “I’m really trying to reach out here. I’m only saying this because you lashed out. Which led me to believe I pressured you into doing something you didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t lash out,” Charlotte counters, but there’s no weight to it. “And I did want to do it, at the time. But not like—not like it meant something.” At this point, she’s only shooting blanks, just firing everything back at Riley so it can’t reach her. “You got way too personal and so I nipped things in the bud.”
“Too personal? When? Why?” Riley genuinely wants to know.
“You texted me first. When I was sick. You crossed a boundary.”
“Are you… Charlotte, are you talking about me telling you to feel better soon? Because if that’s what you’re calling too personal, then I…” Riley’s at a loss for words,and wraps her hands around Shaky’s lanky body, holding him to her chest. “No, actually, that’s okay. I crossed a boundary. Okay. If that’s your boundary, I should respect that. And I will. No more texts unless absolutely necessary.”
Shaky starts climbing up, snuggling Riley’s collarbone, and she mindlessly presses her face into his fur.
Charlotte’s heart shatters into a million pieces. Tears well up in her eyes, but her defense mechanisms don’t go down without a fight.
