We used to be happy. They used to love me.
They were good parents once.
Why is it so hard for them to love me more than their drugs?
Why am I not good enough for them?
Chapter One
Our Past Always Affects Our Future
Present
Ender
“You wouldn’t believe how sore my ass is right now. That man knew exactly what I needed.” Connor is rambling about one of his dates again, giving me a headache. I love him to death, but sometimes I just need a little quiet time.
I usually hide in my room when I’m feeling like this, but as much as I want silence right now, I don’t want to be alone. Is it weird that after all this time, I still hate being in a room by myself? I spent so much time alone in my room back then, it makes me feel like a caged animal now. Sometimes, I still suffer through it because I know I can be a mood killer to my friends. No matter how much I know they love me, I wouldn’t want to be around me if I were them, either. I don’t want to be around myself already with the shit that goes on in my head, so why would anyone else? It’s like a hamster on an endless wheel with nowhere to go.
You’d think after this much time has passed, the memories would have faded at least a little by now. Instead, they’re fresh—like it was yesterday—on repeat all day in my head. It’s utterly fucking exhausting. Mrs. A has asked me many times if I thought talking to someone could help. She’s always been great to me, even before she and Mr. A rescued me from the hell that was my life. They’d tried so many times to convince me to stay with them, but I’d refused every time. The night I’d finally stopped refusing was a pivotal point in my life, and I don’t know where I would be without them—certainly not where I am today.
Except memories don’t fade so easily, or at all in my case. That’s the main reason I’ve never considered seeing a therapist. While talking about your issues with someone can be therapeutic and help you process it all, it can’t erase memories. If I could only forget all the shit that goes on in my head, or even silence it temporarily, I’d be a completely different person than the moody burden my friends have to deal with on a daily basis. No amount of talking about my past can erase what my parentsdid, or more to the point, what they didn’t do those last seven years I spent in that house.
“What are you staring at on your phone that has you smiling like its Christmas morning?” Connor and his nosiness pulls me back into the present. “Rather,whois it, because that, my friend, is a dopey, lovesick smile.” Is Kaden in love? When did that happen? And with who?
“It’s not love, so hush yourself.”
“Butit issomeone, so spill the tea. Ender, tell him to fess up now or else.”
“Fight your own battles, Connor.” I refuse to get involved in his interrogations, but I’ll definitely listen to this one. Connor nudges my head on his lap. “Asshole. If Kaden doesn’t want to talk about whoever it is, then leave him alone.” I know he won’t.
“It’s Luke,” Kaden blurts out.
Luke.The sudden pang of anxiety that barrels through my nervous system must be clear when our eyes meet and I see Kaden’s silent plea for support—I’m obliged to give it to him. Luke is the ‘straight’ guy Kaden was sulking over for almost two months after their little encounter. The week before this past Christmas, Faith and Lanie dragged him to this party for singles to meet up. Connor and I didn’t bother going because he had a fun time of his own planned with some guys he met a few weeks prior and wanted a repeat. I, on the other hand, couldn’t bear being around Kaden while his sister and Faith tried to find him a ‘respectable boyfriend’— that’s the term they used.
Yes, I may have been a little hung up on my best friend. No, he doesn’t know about it. No one does—not even Connor, after years of living with him. It’s just another reason I keep to myself. If Kaden knew how I felt, he’d act differently around me; probably hook up with me again out of pity. He's a nice guy like that—always putting others first—but I refuse to be anyone's pity fuck.
My concern comes from Kaden’s track record with so-called straight guys. I will never understand why he was with that asshole Tyler from his dental program in college. That dick fucked with his head for so long.
Connor and I tried to convince Kaden to stay away from him, but he couldn’t do it for some reason. When they finally broke up, I was the one there to console him every night. I couldn’t watch him hurting all day, every day by himself. I don’t know why, but one night Kaden kissed me out of nowhere. We wound up fucking around for a few months after that night. Well, for him it was fucking around—or a rebound, I suppose. I'm not saying he used me to get over Tyler—I was a more than willing participant—but Kaden never realized what being with him meant to me. That all ended a couple of years ago. I’ve finally moved past wanting more from him, but needless to say, I’m still very protective of him.
I’m pretty sure I fell in love with Kaden in high school. Pathetic, I know. Being in love with your best friend for over a decade and not telling him is about as cowardly as someone can be. Kaden has always had too much going for him to be messing around with the likes of me. We’re friends for life, there’s no doubt about that, but Kaden deserves someone who doesn’t come with the amount of baggage that I bring along with me—no one does. I never want to be a burden on anyone ever again.
“So, he fucked you? Don’t play semantics with me.” Connor’s accusation has me choking on air, and I realize I’ve missed half the conversation.
“He’s not Tyler.” Kaden’s insistence sounds exactly like when he tried to convince us Tyler was a good guy.
“Maybe he’s not, and we can’t tell you what to do…”
“Don’t lump me into this.” I fake nonchalance even as I’m internally screaming for Kaden to not make the same mistake again.
Connor ignores me. “But be careful, please. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
I’ve never wanted to be involved and uninvolved in a conversation at the same time as much as I do right now.
“Fine, now let’s see some pictures of this snack that’s giving you those heart eyes.” Connor jumps up to sit next to Kaden, dropping my head on the couch. He’s one of the nosiest people I’ve ever met, but he wears you down and makes you love every ridiculous side of him.
“I only have a couple of selfies he’s sent me over the past week.”
