River honestly couldn’t think of an answer. His face must have said as much, because Gary winced and beckoned him to the jewelry. “Good time to shop for shiny things,” he remarked. “Lots of people preparing to go off to college or want to go on a road trip this summer and need a little extra cash.”
Sure enough, the display cases were full of baubles and trinkets and sparkly gems, both real and paste. They shone and glimmered under the store’s lighting—a feast for River’s eyes.
But his heart wasn’t in it. The jewelry felt cold, gaudy without purpose. Strapping any of that on wouldn’t help River feel less tarnished.
Before he could help it, his eyes had slid to the next case over, with the engagement rings.
They looked the same as they did before, River told himself. They were sad little mementoes of love that didn’t make it, pieces of fallen stars. But the longer he tried to convince himself, the less true the sentiment felt. Wasn’t the point of bringing something like that to a pawn shop that you could try again? Reinvent yourself? To give yourself room to move on?
After a few minutes, Gary cleared his throat. “Something particular you need? Got a few real nice timepieces this week—”
River’s stomach turned over and his eyes darted over to the third case. There on the side, with the black band and the square face. He’d just been thinking about starting over, and now here he was, looking at evidence of Jem doing just that, making room in his life for someone else. Taking the money and running. Proving he’d never loved River at all.
His palms went clammy as Gary took out the little tray so he could have a closer look.
The breath rushed out of him when he lifted it out. Now he could see the edges of the face were rounder than they should be, and the band was inlaid with some kind of black stone rather than fashioned from black gold, like Jem’s. Without meaning to, he dropped it back into the tray.
Gary tilted his head. “Something the matter?”
“No.”Just the idea of my ex-sugar baby moving on giving me a panic attack in a pawn shop.
River didn’t want Jem to sell the watch. River wanted him to keep it forever, even if he couldn’t bear to look at it. As long as Jem kept it, it meant he hadn’t moved on.
And maybe he could’ve let himself think he wanted Jem to pine after him forever because he wanted Jem to suffer. Part of himdid.But the truth was River was pretty surehewas going to pine forever, and he didn’t want to be alone—not in his pining, and not in his life. He didn’t want to reinvent himself, and hedidn’t want Jem to do that either. He wanted to go backward to the people they were when they were together. Their happiest selves.
Finally he made himself straighten up and look at the clock. Sure enough, he’d kept Gary after hours. “Shit, sorry.” He shook his head as if he could dispel the maudlin thoughts that had settled around him. “I did exactly what I promised not to do, and I didn’t even find anything.” He couldn’t buy jewelry in a mindset like this. He’d never wear it. Instead he took out his wallet and passed Gary a couple hundred bucks. “For the service, okay? You’re better than a therapist.”
Gary looked like he might protest, but after a moment he folded the bills and tucked them in his pocket. “You know where to find me when you need to talk,” he said. “And hey, I hear there’s an expensive concert coming up—maybe I’ll take the wife. She deserves a fancy night out.”
River made a mental note to courier over some tickets, because a couple hundred bucks wouldn’t cover it. Even if Gary was humoring him, he deserved the gesture. “Both of you do.” He managed a smile that felt less rictus-like than any he’d worn in the past week. “You have a good night, Gary.”
He fell asleep that night holding Jem’s pillow to his chest.
“Tell me thetruth,” Jem said as Tori pulled into the parking lot. “Did you pick this place because of the name?”
Above the entryway, the logo for the Steamy Bean only half evoked coffee.
Tori killed the engine and flicked him in the nose. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Jemima.”
Inside, she took his arm and dragged him to the counter. “Hi! Two triple-espresso iced oat-milk lattes, please. Ooh, and that enormous brownie. Thank you.”
Jem dutifully forked over his card for the purchase, then followed Tori to a booth.
Before he could slide into a seat, though, she shook her head. “Switch me sides.”
He didn’t realize why until he found himself facing an empty stage with a keyboard and drum kit. A stool and a mic and an effects pedal sat in the center, and the mic stand had a handful of guitar picks stuck into it.
“Never mind,” he said, caught halfway between anticipation and dread. “I know why you picked this place. Insider info?”
“You never realize how much lawyers know everyone until you really need them to know everyone.” She pulled her drink toward herself and took a long sip. “You good?”
He took a deep breath. Good? No. But he took a minute to be grateful Ivy had insisted on approving his outfit. “I’m okay. I wish you’d told me what we were doing, though.”
Tori broke off a corner of the brownie and shoved it into her mouth. This done, she slid the plate across the table so it was in front of Jem. “Would you have come?”
Yes.But probably not with Tori. Actively avoiding River would be counterproductive. Jem needed to see him if he could. Even if River never forgave him, he deserved to know that Jem hadn’t hurt him on purpose.
But Jem hadn’t shared the plans he’d made with anyone. They didn’t need to know if he failed. Besides, he’d fucked up by himself. He could fix it by himself too.
