“That’s justdisrespectful. Look at the effort she put in, and he rolls up in clothes he pulled out of the Lost and Found at Home Depot and didn’t even bother washing.”
Coughing, River looked over at Jem. He wasn’twrong. He was just being meaner than River expected. “Maybe he’s poor,” he suggested, compelled for some reason to offer a defense.
“He’s wearing brand-new sneakers that cost four hundred dollars.” Jem pointed with the stub of his ice cream cone. “Along with ten-year-old cargo shorts that don’t fit and a T-shirt with grease stains. The only way it could be worse is if it said Hooters on it.”
Well, when you were right, you were right. “Think we should tell her she can do better?”
A pause while Jem debated. “I mean, she has to know, right?”
“Maybe he has a ten-inch cock?”
“I feel like he’d have some self-respect if he did.”
River cackled. “I didn’t expect this side of you. Now I’m afraid to let you see my closet.” He crunched down the last ofhis snack and tilted his head toward a college-age kid in clashing neons. “Do him next.”
“No way, he hurts just to look at.”
“Maybe he’s making a statement.”
“That he’s got a deep-seated phobia of being run over by a driver who didn’t see him?”
When they’d finished their ice cream, Jem fished out a couple of Wet Wipes—River waggled his eyebrows; Jem said, “Kindergarten teacher”—and they cleaned their hands before they meandered back along the boardwalk. Every once in a while, River would discreetly point to someone and Jem would offer something like “doesn’t own a hair brush. Or even a lightbulb, apparently” or “ten out of ten, no notes, that lady should get an Oscar for Best Outfit.”
“How about them?” River gestured, indicating an androgynous person in an oversize cream-colored sweater.
“I think I have that sweater.”
Now that River was thinking about it, it did look kind of familiar. “Wait, wait, time out. You do have that sweater. But you’re also Judgy McSnarkypants. You have nothing to say about this….” He searched for the word. “Basicoutfit?”
“Ugh,” Jem said. “I hate that word.”
River blinked, once again unprepared. “Pardon?”
Jem made a helpless kind of flailing motion. “It’s just—look, some people just don’t give a fuck about fashion, or they don’t have the energy to put into creating an outfit every day, and that’s fair. You can still look nice. Oatmeal sweaters are nice. They’re cozy and comfortable and make you look nonthreatening. Leave oatmeal sweaters alone.”
Obviously there was lots to unpack there—probably including something about being a male kindergarten teacher—but River let it go for now. “No, no. Tell me more about hating the wordbasic.”
Jem looked at him sideways, his expression suggesting he was trying to figure out if River was serious.
“I want to understand.”
“All right.”
They walked a few more steps while Jem apparently tried to word his objection. “So I’m a teacher, right? And you know what kids are like. They obsess over stuff. It’s what kids do. Horses, dinosaurs, dogs, fuckingPAW Patrol. So I’m used to my kids fixating on things. It’s cute. And it makes it really easy to identify with them, or to reward them, because all you have to do is express an interest in the things they’re interested in.”
River had no idea where this was going, but he nodded anyway. “With you so far.”
“Okay. So—I teach at a private school. It’s very rich-people problems, for the most part. These kids aren’t going hungry, they don’t worry they’re not going to have a place to live next week. But kids are still kids. And one of the most depressing days I’ve had—”
He cut himself off with a huffed sigh. Instinctively, River slowed down, as if that would help him listen better.
“It’s going to sound dumb.”
Nothing Jem had said sounded dumb. “Try me.”
It was another few steps before Jem went on. “I had this student last year. Emma. And Emmaloveddinosaurs. She used to have this dino-printed hoodie she’d wear every day, no matter the weather. Her dad used to apologize about it, like this shit doesn’t happen all the time. But dinosaurs made her happy, you know? If she was having a bad day, I’d just ask her to tell me some dinosaur facts, or we’d read a dinosaur book at storytime.”
Jesus, this was adorable. Why did River suspect the end of this story would break his heart?
