She suddenly hops up again to disappear behind the counter, and returns with a couple of oat and raisin cookies for us. She knows I'm a weirdo who loves these more than chocolate chip.
“So, how's the dating pool? Sorry I’ve been so preoccupied with work that I haven’t even had the chance to ask lately!”
“Ugh, it sucks! Out of four dates, only one was good. But of course we had no romantic chemistry.”
“None at all?” she questions, taking a bite of her cookie.
“Nope. Nada. Zilch. Zeroooo,” I hold my hand up and make an O shape with my fingers and thumb, looking through the circle at Elle. My head tilts as I consider something. “You know, I actually think he’d be a really good fit for you, now that I think about it.”
“Uh, I’m not sure your pool of rejects is quite where I’d want to choose my dates, even if I were dating. Which I’m not,” she says pointedly.
“He’s not one of my rejects. Honestly, I wish I did fancy him because we got along great! He’s very dry, very funny, and hot in a very obviousI used to be a firemanway.”
“Still not dating,” Elle sings. “Anyways, Max said the last guy you went out with offered to shag you in the alleyway?”
An incredulous bark of laughter slips past my lips, “Oh, not just the alleyway, he gave me plenty of other options for location. But he was definitely expecting me to choose one of them because, get this,he bought me dinner.”
Elle's jaw drops.
“And then of course when I reminded him that paying for dinner doesn't entitle him to stick his cock in a person, he told me that I'm fat and he wouldn't want to, and I quote, ‘fuck your fat cunt anyways’!”
“Seriously? What is wrong with men! This is exactly why I don't date. I'm so sorry you had to put up with that, babe, and I hope you know you are not fat!” She starts rubbing her temples. “I’m assuming you didn't tell Brad what he said, because that guy would probably be dead now.”
“Jaime would help him dispose of the body at least,” I muse. “I am so done with dating, though. Honestly, it's not worth dealing with all these frogs to find the prince.”
Elle stares at me silently for a moment. “Especially when you've already found him and pushed him away, right?”
I fold over and rest my forehead on my hands stacked on the table. “Ugh, not you too, Eleanor! You're supposed to be the nice one,” I whinge.
“You know we're just speaking the truth,” she pats the back of my head. “Do you think maybe Brad’s the reason you didn’t fancy the fireman? Because your heart is still hanging on?”
This gives me pause. No. Surely not? “No! I don’t…no? No! My heart isn’t in the equation, this was just pure lack of chemistry. Or incompatible pheromones. Or something.”
She raises one meticulously shaped eyebrow, “Mm-hmm. And don't say you're done already, it's only been four guys. At least round it out to five before you call it quits. Come on, let's look at the options again,” she waggles her fingers for me to hand over my phone. Which I do with a groan.
“Babe, you have eleven different guys reaching out that you matched with! Surely one of them must be decent.” Her facial expressions are comical as she scrolls through the messages. “Oh, what about this guy? Henridiculous – weird username but ok – fifty-three, one child in his twenties, never married, but they were in a long-term, committed relationship. ‘Hi, ShaJay. Your profile seems great. I hate chatting on these things, so how would you like to go to Málaga for a long weekend to get to know each other better?’ Ok yeah, maybe not, could be an axe murderer. Who invites a complete stranger for a weekend away? Who else, have we got…”
“No one. They all suck,” I'm pouting, but she just ignores me as she keeps scrolling.
“Fred_the_book_already, thirty-seven, no kids, never been married, really close with his family?—”
“Code for ‘mama's boy who still lives with his parents’.”
“—loves reading. ‘Greetings Lady ShaJay. Who art thine favourite character to cosplay?’ Who art thine?? Does that even make sense? And just, no. Geez, you're right, Shari, the fish in this pond are lacking,” she scrunches her nose.
“I told you.”
“Wait! I think I've found one! Jacob_rails, forty-one, no kids, widower – oh, that's sad – train driver for National Rail. ‘Hi ShaJay, I hate these opening lines because I never know what to say. And I'm guessing you have a lot of incoming messages, so it's even more pressure to stand out from the crowd. But I'd rather just be myself and say hello, and that I think you're beautiful. We seem to have a lot in common too, so if my profile piques your interest at all, I really hope you'll reply.’ Aw, Shari, he sounds great so far!”
I reluctantly have to agree. If anyone's going to get my attention in an initial message, it'll either be someone funny or someone endearingly honest.Bothwould be gold.
“You should reply, see if he at least keeps up the normal for a couple days so you don't have a repeat of Gerard Feet Gate, then suggest meeting to see if you have chemistry in person.”
“I’m so sick of the effort of getting all dolled up for these dates though, only to go home early and disappointed. You know I'm a fan of low maintenance.”
“Then why don't you suggest coffee? It's an easy first date in the daytime, so you don't need to get dressed up. Come here even! That way I can give you my outside opinion on him too!”
That's not a bad idea.
