It takes me a moment to wade through her disjointed thoughts, but it finally dawns on me. Oh!Ohhhhh.
I lift her chin and press my lips to hers softly, “I want you to know that I'm not expecting anything just because you're here and it's our third date. Nothing will happen unless you want it to happen. Ok?”
“Ok,” she whispers.
We're sittingon my small two-seater sofa talking about nothing and everything. Dinner is digesting, the dishes are soaking in the sink, and my chillout playlist is humming quietly in the background.
“Favourite smell?”
“Mmm Jasmine,” I hum without thinking.Like Shari's favourite perfume.Shaking myself out of that thought, I ask, “What about yours?”
“Petrichor. That first rain after a dry spell just soothes me,” she grins. “Favourite sound?”
“Lizzie's giggles,” I can’t stop the beam from spreading across my face as I think of her laugh.
Her smile doesn't get smaller, but it softens somehow. “I love that answer. I hope to meet her someday soon,” she looks up at me, and the expression on her face seems hopeful. But I'm not ready to cross that bridge yet so I just offer a small smile. Larissa clears her throat, “Uh, I think my favourite sound is probably a weird one to most people. But I love the coo of pigeons.”
I stare at her dumbfounded, “The coo of...pigeons? Most people think of them as flying rats and they're your favourite sound?” I burst out in laughter and when I finally look up, she looks a little hurt. “I’m sorry Riss, I wasn't laughing at you in a mocking way. Just a surprised way. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.”
“It's ok, I know it's weird. I just find the sound soothing. It's quiet and repetitive and predictable, and I just...I like it,” she shrugs, staring at her hands in her lap.
“Hey,” I disentangle her hands and gently tug on the one closest to me until she looks at me again. “I like that your answer isn't expected or boring. It's real, like you.” She cracks a small grin so I decide to try and lighten the mood again, “Favourite K-pop band and member?”
“Who says I'm into K-pop?” she arches a brow at me. “But definitely Felix from Stray Kids!” she gushes, making me chuckle again. She's a delight.
“He looks very effeminate, though, don't you think?”
“I actually think that's what I find attractive about him. Which is weird, I know, considering I'm not gay. And I don't usually go for androgynous looking guys,” she side-eyes me, “but something about him is very enticing.” She pauses, brows pinched together, “Wait. Why do you know who Felix is and what he looks like?”
I roll my eyes with a chuckle, “My sister is a huge fan, and Felix happens to be her favourite too. She used to force me to watch all the K-Pop reels and listen to the songs with her, but I drew the line when she tried to get me to learn some of the dances.”
She dons a playful grin, “That's a shame, I would have liked to see you dance like that.”
Larissa's playing with my fingers when Jenna Hendricks’A Bump In The Roadpours through the speaker, making hergiggle. “I never imagined you for a Jenna Hendricks fan, Brad.” Her face is bright with amusement.
“Yeah, I know. Shari's a big fan, though, and since it is how we met, she downloaded some of her songs onto my phone a while ago. They've kind of grown on me,” I snicker. When I look up Larissa's expression is taut. “What's wrong? What did I say?”
Forcing a smile that isn't even close to believable, she tries to brush me off with a wave of her hand, “Oh no, nothing's wrong. I'm fine!”
I turn to her fully and take both of her hands in mine, “Riss, please. If I've said something to upset you I'd like you to tell me so I don't do it again.”
I can see the hesitation in her entire frame, until she hunches forward and quietly admits, “It's just that, um, you, uh, you talk about Shari. A lot, actually. Do you...do you have feelings for her?”
I'm stunned. Do I talk about her a lot? I can't say I've ever really noticed but, maybe I do. It's clearly enough for Larissa to feel uncomfortable about it, but what can I even say? Yes, I have feelings for her and always have, but she keeps pushing me away, so here we are? I can't imagine that would go down too well, so I decide to try and skirt around it.
“I’m sorry, Riss. I didn't realise I mentioned her so much. It's just that we spend so much time together co-parenting, she's effectively become one of my best friends, that's all.”
“So you're not in love with her?” She peeks up at me through her lashes, but I don't think she's trying to be seductive like most women when they adopt the pose, it's more of a shield.
Shit.
I tip her chin up with the curl of my pointer finger and look her in the eye, “I love her, in the same way I love Trey or Torbyn, but that's it.”Lie, lie, lie.I tell myself that because I wish that were the case, it’s not a complete deception. And maybe one dayit will be true. I don’t want to hurt Larissa, or lose her, and I feel like if I tell her the truth right now that both of those things will happen. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I'll try to make sure I don't mention her so much.”
Larissa quickly reaches up to grab my wrist, “No, I don't want you to censor yourself around me. She's a big part of your life. I just need to make sure I'm not giving my heart to someone who doesn't have room for it because they're saving space for someone else’s.”
I swallow past the lump forming in my throat. I’m not saving space for Shari’s heart. She’s been very clear that she doesn’t want it.
My eyes flit between Larissa’s, cataloguing the amber flecks in amongst the warm brown. Like caramel mixed with milk chocolate. “And are you? Considering giving your heart to me?”
