Heart meet stomach. “What? Blaze, love, not in years! And it was only once, and I regretted it immediately when I realised what a viper she is.”
I watch the tight column of her throat as she forces a swallow and turns her head back to the horizon, nodding once.
“Are you ok?”
She looks up at me with glassy eyes. “Um, yeah, I guess,” she pauses and starts shaking her head, “No, that's such a lie. I'm not ok. That was...not ok.”
“I know, love. But I really need to know that you believe me. I didn't kiss her, or encourage her, or give any sort of inclination that I wanted her to kiss me. She just...did! Honestly, I felt violated, especially when I couldn't push her off.” My skin crawls at the memory. “And I meant what I said, in my mind, we’ve always been exclusive, so I would never do anything to cheat on you. Not ever.”
Shari clears her throat, watching her feet as she wriggles her toes to sink further into the sand with each rolling wave. Her gaze finds mine, and she squeezes my hand. “I believe you. I do, but?—”
“Nobut, if you believe me then that should be it!” I know I'm getting frustrated, but I can feel her pulling away from me emotionally.
“Brad, it's not that simple. I believe that you didn't want her to kiss you and that you didn't instigate it, but I can't stop seeing her wrapped around you, her lips on yours. I can't unsee it! And now that I know you have actually fucked her, even if it was only once, years ago, it just makes it so much worse. You have no idea the slideshow of imagery my brain is producing right now. It makes me murderous, and jealous, and justsad. I just think…” she trails off.
“What, love?” I urge, heart in my throat.
“I can’t cope with this feeling! It’s, it just, it hurts! It sucks. And I do believe you that you haven’t led her on. But it felt like every time I looked up today she was touching you, draped on you, trying to get as close to you as possible, all whilst glaring at me with her manipulative, stupid, fucking pretty face!”
“Blaze, love, you had to have seen me shrugging her off and evading her at every turn, too. If you were watching that closely, you must have seen it,” I plead. I really don’t like where she’s going with this.
“You know, she cornered me earlier when you were grabbing some more drinks. She told me all about how the two of you agreed to have fun and sleep around during your studies, but that as soon as you graduated you had an agreement to finally be together,” Shari sniffles. “That it meant you would last because neither of you felt like you were missing out on the fun, meaningless flings. The fun years.”
“Shari, you know that’s bullshit, right? Please tell me you know she’s lying.”
“I do, but it kind of reiteratedmypoint about not wanting you to miss out on the fun years. To have the meaningless flings so that when you’re ready to settle down you won’t have FOMO,” she shrugs, wiping her nose on the cuff of my hoodie.
“Fuck! This is such a mess! Blaze, I’ve told you, I’m not missing out on anything. I am ready to settle down. With you and our baby. I don’t need the meaningless flings to have fun.” My hands crease my t-shirt as I clench the material, the adrenaline crash starting to mess with my nerves endings. “Love, please. Don’t do this, don’t push me away because of one idiotic girl. Tell me what you need for me to fix this.” I release my shirt and reach forward to hold both of her hands.
“I think I need some time. To process. Just...I need some time.”
“Ok, Blaze. Ok. Let's head back to the cabin and turn in for the night, it's getting late anyways. We can talk about it tomorrow if you're ready. Or whenever. I can wait.” I know if I push her, she'll retreat even further. If she needs time to get over the image of blasted Keeley assaulting my face, then I'll give her all the time she needs.
“Actually, I think I'm going to crash in Max’s room tonight.”
Why does this feel like the beginning of the end?
17
A MERE FANTASY
SHARI
24th September2023
Yesterday started off so well.I finally felt like maybe Brad and I could actually work. Like maybe we could be a real family when this baby comes. But last night? It was a crash course in exactly why that'll never be the case.
I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I didn’t sleep a wink. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Keeley suctioned to Brad’s lips. My overactive imagination didn’t help with how it distorted the original image into something more sinister each time. By the time the sky started to lighten, I had imagined the two of them fucking in every position available whilst laughing at mein flagrante.
I ended up walking to sit on the shore with a coffee to watch the sunrise, not realising that the surfer I was watching in the distance was Brad himself until he rode a wave all the way in. His silhouette cut such a beautiful sight that my heart clenched painfully, even more so when he stood over me, hesitating. Ipatted the sand next to me in a silent offering, and we sat there, not speaking, watching the sky put on a show.
Brad insisted on dropping me home today when I said I wanted to leave, even though I know he was planning to stay at the beach for another night. And that's how I find myself walking into my house with him in tow.
“Shari, please tell me what you're thinking. I know you said you need time, and I will give it to you, but I have to know where your beautiful head is at. You know you'll never have to see Keeley or the Triple B’s again, right? I promise I won't let them be invited to anything you're going to. Hell,Iwon’t be going if they’re invited. That was...I don’t?—”
“It's sweet that you want to try and protect me from them, Brad, but you can't keep them away from every get together. They're friends with your other friends too, and it wouldn't be fair to split them down the middle,” my voice cracks at the end because I’m trying so hard to keep it together.
I flop down on the sofa and bury my face in Pickles' soft black fur when he clambers half onto my lap. He still smells like the talcum powder-scented shampoo the groomer uses on him, so I breathe in another lungful. His excitement at seeing me when we picked him up from the kennel has been the only good part of my day.
