I clear my throat and try again. “I’m so sorry, Shari. I was just in shock and I reacted badly?—”
“Ya think?” she interrupts, arms crossed.
“—and I hate that I hurt you. Of course I don't think that you lied to me or tried to trap me or whatever else I insinuated. I'm just...I don't know. Confused? How did this happen?”
“Well, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much, they have a special hug?—”
The sarcasm is real with this one.
“Blaze. You know what I mean. I'm not accusing you of anything, I'm really not. But I thought you said you can't get pregnant?”
Her shoulders deflate with her heaved sigh, and she uncrosses her arms.
“Come and sit, I'm too tired to keep standing there with you.” She moves over to the couch and pats the cushion next to her.
“I really didn't think I could get pregnant. My ex-husband and I tried for ten years to have a baby. We spent an exorbitant amount of money on IVF, only for it to fail time and again. I managed to get pregnant once in seven cycles, but I miscarried after only five weeks and just never caught again. I won't bore you with the details but basically I have almost no eggs so…” she shrugs. “I just assumed it wasn't in the cards for me. And now I'm forty and almost definitely going through perimenopause, I never in a million years would have thought this was possible.”
I take her hand as she chokes on her words; she lets me thread our fingers together and I rub my thumb back and forth over her knuckles. Her skin is so soft, just like her heart.
“I’m so sorry, love. I had no idea, that must have been so hard.” I hesitate on my next question, but if we're going to do this, I need to know everything. “Can I ask what happened between you and your ex?”
“Itwashard. So, so hard. Yes, all the injections and blood tests and internal scans and pills and pessaries and steroids and blood thinners and just everything that comes with it takes a physical toll. But the emotional rollercoaster is not for the faint of heart. I truly believe that this amount of IVF will either make or break a couple and, unfortunately, it broke us. I think we just grieved too much of it separately and didn't grow fromit together. We ended amicably, as divorces go, but we ended nonetheless.”
“Are you friends? Do you still see him at all?” The thought makes my stomach clench for some reason.
“No, we don't see each other. He still lives in Nottingham. I only moved to Bristol to be closer to the girls when we divorced. I imagine if we bumped into each we'd be friendly but...we don't actively keep in touch.”
The tension in my middle eases, but I don't really know what to say to any of that, so I just use my free hand to rub small circles on her back.
After a moment, she continues, “I really didn't know we could have created a little life in any of the times we were together, Brad. But this baby is a miracle to me, and I will do everything I can to protect it. Which is why I need to know if you're in or out of the baby's life, because I can't have you changing your mind and breaking their heart.”
I look at her beautiful face and picture a little boy with those mesmerising hazel eyes and my light brown hair. Or maybe a little girl with her dark hair and my greenish blue eyes. And I melt.
“I’m in, but what does it mean for us?”
Her expression softens as she squeezes my hand. “I meant what I said, Brad. You're so very young and you should be free to live your life and enjoy your twenties. God knows, I did. Have fun, make mistakes, sow your wild oats! You're under no obligation to be with me. As long as you're here for our baby and we can be the best co-parents who ever co-parented in the history of all co-parenting, I'm more than happy.”
My stomach sinks a little, because I really do like this woman. But I can see she's made up her mind, so I won't push it.For now.
7
PREGNANCY HORMONES ARE ACE!
BRAD
16th June2023
That adorably loud howling bark sings throughthe air when I ring the doorbell. It's almost enough to make me smile because that goofy dog is too cute for his own good. But I'm too damn nervous to smile right now.
It’s only been a week since Shari told me she was pregnant, and although we’ve been texting and calling pretty much every day, I don’t know what to expect for the next few days whilst I’m here.
I swipe my sweaty palms on my jeans just as Shari opens the door, and an overexcited haze of fur circles my legs, so I bend down to pet him behind the ears.
“Hey.” A tentative smile. She's clearly just as nervous as I am and for some reason, that helps.
“Hi. Your dog really sheds a lot, hey? I mean, I've only been here for thirty seconds and I'm already covered,” I say,somewhat bewildered as I try to brush the fur off and follow her inside.
She manages a soft chuckle. “Yeah, sorry about that. He's going through a proper moult right now. But he does also shed like it's going out of fashion all year round.”
