“Shouldn’t have come all the way out here,” I said. My voice sounded strangled as I tried to moderate my tone and failed. “I mean?—”
“So you can work until you drop.” She stared at me steadily and never had I felt so exposed. “Work everyone else until they drop too, then force yourself to get up the next morning and do the same thing again?”
I swallowed hard. Before Mackenzie I used to fantasise about someone seeing past my facade and into the core of me, but it turned out that wasn’t as pleasant as I hoped. Instead, I pulled a bottle of water out of the cooler and cracked the lid, guzzling it down.
“This is gonna be a tough week,” she continued in a gentle voice. “But neglecting yourself isn’t going to make it any easier.”
The urge to snap back, to make clear exactly what would required of me over the next few days rode me hard, but when I looked into her eyes, all such impulses died. I couldn’t hurt Mackenzie, couldn’t dump that shit on her and so that meant I needed to swallow my bitter words down along with the water.
“You brought me chilli?” I asked, making a show of peering into the cooler. “Thanks, love. I’ll…”
Whatever else I was going to say was discarded as I felt my phone buzz. Hauling it out, I stared at the screen, trying to parse the meaning of the few words there.
Get me my money, it said.Or sell the farm. Your choice.
I’d unblocked Dad’s number in the morning when I was over my fit of pique, but right now I wondered at my own stupidity. My pulse could be heard rushing in my ears, the sun biting into my skin. The sensations multiplied, making me more and more aware of how hot, tired, and dirty I was.
And for what?
The way Dad explained it, I’d have my own kids someday, only to leave them in the lurch to labour on the family farm, like I did now. They’d put in the blood, sweat, and tears to keep the place going and I’d… There was no way to finish that sentence. If that was my fate, I’d never have children, because there was no way I could bring myself to live off their indentured servitude.
“Troy…?” Mackenzie stood there, staring up at me in concern. “Are you OK?”
No, that was what I wanted to say. No, I wasn’t. I was like a piece of rope that was fraying at the ends, each twist of fibre unravelling more by the second. I could’ve told her that and the need to unburden myself rode me hard.Just tell her, I thought furiously.Just let her in. Mackenzie is only here for a few more months, so you can?—
But that was the problem.
If I spilled my guts to her, unloading all the frustration and pain, then what? She’d get back on that plane at the end of the six months, taking that moment of connection with her back to the States. Instead, I stepped in and pressed a hard kiss to her forehead.
“I’ve gotta go, love.”
That came out a ragged growl, right as I strode over to my bike. Slinging the cooler bag over one of the handlebars, I picked up Sparky’s water bowl and stashed it before kickstarting the engine to life.
“Fuck, no…” Billy grumbled, tossing his fork back into his plastic container. “Lunch break, Troy. We need a damn break.”
Trouble is, so did I. Away from my family, my friends, even Mackenzie. Part of me wanted to roar off into the distance, riding and riding until the tank emptied, because that might settle the rage inside me. The farm was a millstone around my neck, dragging me down, but right as I was using every resource I had to keep my head above water, someone else would put another thing on me.
Maybe we should sell the farm, I thought, roaring up towards the cattle. A sharp word to Sparky and he was off, rounding them up into a tight bunch and moving them forward. Towards what, though? I hadn’t thought this through. The gate… Bronson rode up with a grim expression, unhooking the clasp and swinging the gate wide just in time. But the look he gave me as we passed through helped solidify my decision.
It wasn’t worth it. This wasn’t worth it. The farm, the life, Dad… But instead of riding off into the sunset, I made it through to the next paddock and the next, finally herding the cattle into the containment field.
“Get the feeders set up,” I said as the other guys arrived. And say thank you for all your hard work, I thought, but the words didn’t come. “Make sure all the troughs are full.”
“And what’re you going to do?” Bronson asked, wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hand.
“Sparky and I can handle the sheep on our own,” I said, eyeing the dark gold of the sun as it began to drop lower in the sky. “I’ll move them closer?—”
“We’ll move them closer.”
My brother stared me down, mutely challenging me to contradict him. With a slow shake of my head, I found I smiled despite myself.
“We’ll move them closer,” I said, then marched over to the main pipe, turning the wheel to get the water flowing.
Hours later,we all returned to the house well past sundown. Barely able to lift our boots after the day we’d had, the four of us trudged inside to find our dinner waiting for us in the oven.
“Kept it warm for you,” Charlie said. “But you’ll need to help yourselves. I’m off to a meeting at the vet’s. The ladies in town are setting up a command centre to try to deal with the heat-affected animals.”
Which just left Mackenzie.
