-aw babe
-that sounds like attachment, not just vibes
-girl you’re IN LOVE
-Your bro is HAWT
I actually choke on a laugh at that last one, then rub my face. “Anyway, you guys know who I am. My whole thing is freedom. Wanderlust. Polyamory. I’ve never had any kind of relationship. I don’twantthe house and the kids and the PTA meetings. I want to be able to wake up and decide that I’m going to Sydney or Reykjavik or a sex-positive commune in the Alps, and then actuallygo. I like having lovers, not a partner.”
I swallow.
“But this man…” My voice goes quiet. “He… calms something in me that I didn’t knowcouldbe calmed. He makes me want things I’ve never wanted. I like the way he thinks. I like the way he listens. I like the way he told his father to go screw himself instead of throwing his siblings under a bus. I like the way he looks at me when I talk, like I’m the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen. And I like…” I laugh weakly “I like the way he says my name.”
The chat is all heart emojis and keyboard smashes and I KNEW IT.
-babe I say this with love: u are gone
-this is not a drill ur in love
-so what’s the issue?? take him w u???
I sigh, sliding my palm over my face. “The issue is, he hates change,” I say. “He gets overwhelmed in crowds. He likes his routines. His sensory stuff is real. He recites Shakespeare to calm down. He just gotdiagnosedafter nearly four decades, and he’s finally building a life that fits his brain. And I am… chaos incarnate. I am constant flights and last-minute plans and ‘sure, let’s go to this underground kink club in Prague tomorrow and see what happens.’ How is that supposed to work?”
-ok but have u… asked him what he wants?
-gonna hold your hand while I say this: communication babes!!
-u always tell US to talk to OUR partners
“Look at you all throwing my own advice back at me,” I mutter, fond and exasperated. “Yes, I know, honest communication, yadda yadda. Wehavetalked. About sex stuff, about autism, about boundaries. But we haven’t talked about, like… capital-F Future. And I’m scared that if I lay it out, like ‘I’m not going to stop traveling, I’m not going to be monogamous’, I’ll force him into a choice that hurts him either way.”
My throat tightens again.
“And I don’t want to break up with him,” I say softly. “I don’t. I don’t want to walk away. But I don’t see how he gets what he needsandI get what I need unless one of us massively compromises in a way that’ll breed resentment down the line.”
There’s a pause in the chat. Then:
-maybe he can work remote?? cybersec is often global
-have u ASKED his work sitch??
-you assume a LOT for someone who says “communicationis foreplay”
-also as an autistic person: pls stop deciding what’s good for him without asking, even if u mean well
“Ouch,” I say quietly. “OK. That’s… fair. Yeah. You’re right. I’m still doing theprotect him from mething instead of giving him full agency. Ihatewhen people do that to neurodivergent folks. Hypocrite much.” I chew my lip. “It’s just…” My fingers pluck at a loose thread on a cushion. “I don’t know how not to blow shit up when feelings are involved. I’ve always just… left, before it got complicated. Hop on a plane, new country, clean slate. You can’t miss me if I’m gone before you realize what you had, right?”
The chat goes tender.
-you’re allowed to stay, babe
-you’re allowed to love someone & still be you
-maybe you don’t HAVE to break up to keep him happy
-maybe his idea of “happy” involves chasing u thru airports
I snort. “That’d be hot, not gonna lie.”
