Entirely.
Forever.
More than that, he just wanted this to end, didn’t want to be afraid of doing the one thing he’d always loved. His mother may have been the reason he played the beiska, but up until a year ago, the stage had been the one place Rabbit could wholly escape from her. Up there, he was the one in control. He was the one getting the applause and being recognized, not as December Trace’s son, but as himself.
Those moments had always been so few and far between and he’d clung to them like treasures…Until she’d taken that from him too.
The video Baikal had forced him to watch at the theater flashed before his eyes, accompanied by that phantom voice and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out everything about that night before it could take root.
Rabbit!
He winced and reached out blindly, feeling around on the table for the candy bar he’d pulled out of his bag and left there earlier in preparation. When all he was met with was the smooth surface of the dressing room table, his eyes popped open and he frowned. The bar wasn’t there, but he could have sworn…
“Looking for something?” Baikal’s smoky voice cut across the room and Rabbit spun around to find him leaning up against the closed door. At his look of confusion, the Brumal Prince shrugged. “I picked the lock. It wasn’t difficult. You’d think with all the money my family pours into this place the university could afford to upgrade their systems.”
“What…What are you doing here?” He pressed a palm over his heart, vision winking in and out momentarily as the panic attack continued to claw away at him. Void’s presence, while distracting and a surprise, apparently wasn’t enough to convince his subconscious to give up.
Instead of answering, Baikal tipped his head, inspecting Rabbit as though seeing him for the first time. There may or may not have been concern written on his face, but it was gone faster than Rabbit could process if it was really there or if he’d simply been seeing things.
“This is a bad one,” Baikal said quietly, and it was obvious he was speaking to himself.
Rabbit replied anyway, if only in another poor attempt to distract himself. “It’s always like this before a performance.”
“Since when?”
He glanced away, tensing when Void advanced on him.
Baikal moved slowly, easing from the door over to where Rabbit stood. He captured his chin and forced his head up, gaze hard and intense. “Tell me. You know how I don’t like to be ignored.”
Was that a weighted comment? Was he referring to last night, when he’d sent that photo of his erect cock and Rabbit hadn’t replied?
“Why are you here, Void?” It couldn’t be to mess with him, right? He wouldn’t do that to him right before he was set to go on stage…There were limits to the other guy's narcissism, wasn’t there?
Baikal crowded him back against the table, resting a palm on the edge at either side to successfully cage him in. “Answer. The. Question.”
“Over a year.” He glanced away, unable to hold that intimidating gaze.
He nodded as if he’d already guessed as much and had just wanted confirmation. “No one knows?”
“My mother,” he said. “At least, she knew about the first couple. She brought me to the doctor.”
“And?”
“He told me it was a side effect of the accident.”
Baikal stiffened, and if possible, the air around him seemed to crackle and pop with tension. “What accident?”
It wasn’t public knowledge, so it wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t aware of it. Hell, if he had been, he would have known better than to show Rabbit that video. Or, he would have at least known how to use it to his utmost advantage. Agreeing to have intercourse with him in exchange for having any proof that night had ever happened destroyed?
More than worth it to Rabbit.
Baikal probably could have bargained for a lot more, not that he planned on telling him that part. He hadn’t asked in any case, and withholding was different from refusing to reply.
It wasn’t even really an accident, not when it could have been avoided and had been brought on by what his mother had done earlier that night. If only she hadn’t beaten him outside the auditorium…If she hadn’t broken his hand and therefore stunted his budding career…
If—
The heart palpitations worsened, to the point he was almost brought down to his knees, his forehead dropping against Baikal’s broad chest instead. He sucked in air, forgetting all about counting his breaths and the other tools for defusing a panic attack that he’d been taught.
