Rain poured outside, and the cover of the gas station created a cocoon around us but beyond it, it was chaos incarnate. The whole world was a blur, and it made me feel even more isolated than ever.
I shrank back and hugged myself tighter with Dare’s scarf trying to make myself warm again. I hadn’t intended on stealing it but as I was leaving the house to meet Victor I spotted it on the hanger and it reminded me of the day he’d brought me home to protect me.
I wrapped it tighter around my neck even though I wasn’t even cold. No, it had nothing to do with the grim weather outside the confines of Victor's car but everything to do with the vibe inside it.
"Where would I go? I chose to come with you. Remember?" I mumbled and hated myself for it.
I wanted to be strong, to be the kind of person that had grown out of their fear of their abuser, to be the confident man that stood up for myself and took no shit, but being back in his orbit had the opposite effect.
I'd reverted back to the weak version of myself that didn't want to attract attention. The version that wanted to stay quiet and small so that he didn't feel the wrath of his boyfriend.
"Is it me, or did you get some attitude?" he asked and flicked my chin with a smirk.
"Sorry," I whispered and he let go of me.
"Don't apologize. I kinda like it," he said, then opened his car door and got out.
I watched him get out and walk into the station with the confidence he always exuded but as soon as he disappeared from view I relaxed into my seat, even if for just a moment and felt the texture of the scarf against my fingertips.
I’d wanted it as a reminder of him, of who I was doing this for. Of how he’d made me feel. Yet right now, all it was doing was making me question everything.
"What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?" I spat, shaking my head.
I took a deep breath, inhaled his scent still lingering on the piece of fabric and closed my eyes trying to center myself, but nothing happened. Nothing calming anyway. Because as soon as I closed my eyes all I saw was him. Dare. His sweet, beautiful face, his gorgeous, kind eyes. I felt his embrace and the tenderness of his kisses.
They were all I had left of him now aside from the scarf. The memories. However much of him I'd managed to memorize and internalize before I'd abandoned him to come back to the monster who'd killed my spirit.
No.
I couldn't think like this. I couldn't keep seeing it that way. I was doing this to protect him and his farm. To protect the people of Mayberry Holm I'd gotten close to before they got burned by Victor's inferno. This might be a terrible fate for me, but I couldn't live with myself if my happiness meant their misery and pain. I was doing this for them. My people.
That was all I had to remember and repeat when I started having second thoughts. When my emotions threatened to get the better of me and took over my body.
Like they were doing now.
I tried to keep the tears back. To force myself to be strong, but once the floodgates had opened, I couldn't hold back. And with it, the regret—and fear—came rushing back.
Every time I blinked, I saw images of Victor. Memories that flashed back through my mind. Moments I had tried so hard to heal from. To erase.
I could still go. I could make my escape. Maybe if I ran now he'd be too pre-occupied with trying to find me to go back and ruin my friends' lives.
I felt a strike across my face and my whole body thundered from the impact. It was only an echo of the past, but it still hurt. Echoes of every encounter, every moment of abuse that hadcoalesced into a beast. A beast I had to get away from before it consumed me whole once more.
My hands turned to fists around the scarf and I gritted my teeth.
"I need to go. Shit. I need to run."
I unbuckled my seatbelt and did a quick scan of the surrounding area, trying to find shelter, a hiding spot.
Just wing it for fuck sake. Anything is better than this.
I opened my door, ready to make a dash for it but I crashed into Victor before I could take one step.
"Going somewhere?" he asked and I looked up at him as fear baptized me anew in an instant. My resolve crumbled under his dominance.
"Erm, no. Just...needed the toilet, that's all," I stuttered.
Victor huffed.
