Carson nodded and gave his order, and since I hadn’t eaten anything since before we left for the farm, I added a steak sandwich to their order.
After placing the order, Enzo made another pot of coffee, and Carson sat down on the armchair opposite me. Naturally, Enzo sat on his lap with his own cup, which he shared with my brother.
“So? Go on. How was the date? Stop being a grump and tell us.”
I was going to torture them a little longer, but I relented if for no other reason than to process what had happened today and how I felt about it.
“Aww, that’s so sweet,” Enzo said after I finished. “I wish I could have seen that. Samir teaching Ella to skate. She must have been so happy.”
I smiled.
“She was. She didn’t want to leave.”
“Well, then we’ll have to take her back,” Enzo said.
“I already promised her I would.”
“And what about Samir?”
“What about him?” I asked Enzo.
“Are you going to keep seeing him?”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Do I have a choice?”
Enzo rolled his eyes, and Carson hid a smirk behind the coffee cup.
“Would you, if you did?”
I sat back and took a beat.
Samir was wonderful. I may not know him well yet, but the part I had gotten to know was great. Addictive. Intoxicating.
But that was part of the danger of dating him.
“I… you know… I didn’t think of Sandra once this morning,” I said, and my chest tightened with guilt.
“Is that bad?” Carson asked.
“How can you ask that? Of course it is. I forgot the mother of my child. That’s horrible.”
Enzo frowned.
“Oh, sweetheart. You didn’t forget about her. You’re finally learning to live with the fact that she’s gone. Those are two different things. It’s not like you stopped caring about her or want to wipe her from your memory. It’s just that you’re starting to live past your grief. You’re allowed to be happy with someone else or in yourself without constantly being guilt-ridden that she’s not here with you.”
I looked at my coffee and swallowed, biting the inside of my cheek and trying to process what Enzo said.
I knew he had a point. I knew he was right about it, but it still felt wrong somehow. Like it wasn’t right to move on. Like it was dishonoring her in some way.
“Sandra will always be in your heart,” Carson added. “Hell, she will always be a part of Ella too. I mean, the more she grows, the more of a spitting image of her mom she’s becoming.”
“Exactly,” Enzo said. “There’s nothing wrong with living your life. It’s part of the process. I mean, do you prefer the Cole from acouple of weeks ago who had forgotten how to breathe, let alone spend some quality time with his daughter?”
I shook my head.
“But I’m not spending time with her, am I? I’m spending my days off going out with Samir.”
