Chapter Ten
A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM
or
Ponyboys on Parade
PUCK STARED ATthe lake, his knuckles white where they grasped the edge of the dock, as I waited for him to say more.
“He’s in the hospital with a fractured spine.He may never walk again,” Puck said, swirling his calves in the water.“Name’s Elijah.”
A chill ran through me, and it wasn’t just the wetness drying on my skin.I almost said “I’m sorry” again, but I kept my mouth shut.There was nothing I could say as an outsider that wouldn’t sound clichéd or ring hollow.
As a photographer, I was used to quietly observing things, listening to conversations and judging when to give input.Often, I decided it was wiser to wait and watch and simply record what was happening.I found the photographs I’d taken when I’d kept myself removed from what was going on evinced truth and immediacy.It was a useful skill.
Puck turned and I met his gaze, trying to show with my expression that even though I couldn’t possibly understand what he was going through I cared and wanted to take some of the weight off him.Even if simply as a sounding board—a way for him to say these things out loud, instead of keeping them hidden inside him.
“I’m just so—sofuckingangry.Because I told him this kid was dangerous and was going to get him killed.And he didn’t fuckinglistento me!”
Puck’s breath hitched, and he made a noise like a sob that he strangled as soon as it tried to escape.
“I know that’s the wrong thing to be thinking.I should be sympathetic and helpful, when all I want to do is kill this stupid kid that did this to him, but I can’t because the kid is already dead from his own fucking stupidity.And Elijah is never going to be the same.And neither am I.”He turned to me, his gaze filled with anger and despair.“And it’s just not fucking fair, Oliver.”
I reached out because it was the only thing that seemed remotely appropriate.I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him against me.
He stiffened for a moment, and I thought I’d made a mistake.But then he melted against me, nuzzled into my neck and shuddered, gasping deep breaths and shaking with some violent emotion.It didn’t matter if it was rage or hopelessness or grief.Whatever it was, he’d pushed it down for so long it was killing him from the inside.
“I don’t—” he gasped.“I’m sorry—” he said, before a sob wracked him and he struggled to get away.“Fuck!”
I relaxed my hold and watched him pull from my embrace.His legs thrashed, splashing in the water.He seemed startled to be allowed to break free.His hand flew to his face, fingers swiping at his eyes as his shoulders heaved.
“No, Oliver,” he moaned as he reached out and grabbed me, lurching into my willing arms.
A surge of emotion overcame me, and I pulled him into my embrace again, held him firmly around his bare waist, and whispered nonsense into his ear.“It’s okay, Puck.I know.You’re okay.”His skin was covered in goose pimples and still slippery with lake water.
I half expected him to pull away again, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to let him this time.He felt so good in my arms, and it pleased me to hold him while he fell apart.
Strange, forlorn sounds broke from his throat as he let his pain out.I had no idea what it would be like to see my best friend so damaged and bereft.Especially if I wasn’t able to talk about it with anyone.Until I found myself at a kinky pony play ranch, confessing to my latest conquest, who would let me cover him in my tears and snot while sitting naked on clammy wet wood if it would only make me feel better.
I held Puck tight while he shuddered and keened, keeping him close, until after what seemed a very long time, he quieted, sagging against me like an empty sack.
We listened to the lapping of water against the dock and the calls of birds from the lakeshore.
“You okay?”I asked after a while.I genuinely needed to know if he was still conscious or if he’d fallen asleep against my shoulder.His breathing was long and even, and he hadn’t made a sound for a while.
“I’m sorry.I’m so sorry.”
“No, come on.Something tells me you’ve needed to do that for quite some time.”
He took a deep breath, then let it out.“Maybe.Probably.”
I let him sit up.He seemed shy and embarrassed, avoiding my gaze and swiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.
“I probably got you wet.”
“I was already wet.”
He nodded, gazing over the water.
