He nods against my chest. Like he expected the answer. Like he's been carrying the question for weeks and the answer is the one he anticipated and now he's thinking about what comes next.
"But I'm not going to do that," I add.
His head lifts. His puzzled eyes find mine. "Why not?"
"Because I'm a huge guy with a big dick and I am not going to do anything that hurts you. I watched you flinch the first time I touched your back in the shower. I've watched you figure out what it feels like to be touched by someone who isn't trying to take from you. I'm not going to rush past that. There's no reason to. I'm not going to put you in a position where your body is doing one thing and your brain is doing another. Not for anything. I can't do that right now. I can't and I won't."
He looks at me and I can see him working through it. The history of his body. The physical issue of our size differences. He's always assumed he'd be the bottom. Of course he has. Why wouldn't he? Even if he wasn't taking into account my size. Every experience he's ever had has put him there underneath. Always receiving what someone else decided to give. That's the only version of sex he knows.
"I want to, though," he says. "Eventually. I want all of it with you. Anything and everything, the same as you said."
"Me too. We have time. We have so much time, Stormy. But there's no rush. There's never a rush. It's not a big deal and certainly not anything to worry about."
I can feel him thinking, the gears turning. Stormy's brain never stops running equations.
"What do we do though?" he asks. "In the meantime. I don't want to lose you."
Ah… there it is.
"That's not going to happen," I tell him. "What do you think I'll do? Drop the guy I'm crazy in love with to go stick my dick in some random person? Do you really think there's anything that would make me do something crazy like that?"
He looks at me and shakes his head. "No, I don't think that. I just… I want to be good for you and… I'm still working through some things."
"I understand and I've got an idea. It's just an idea, so don't freak out. Why don't you fuck me instead?"
If he can drop word bombs in the middle of conversations, then so can I.
The look on Stormy's face.Oh my God. His eyes go wide. His mouth opens. Then closes. Then opens again. He looks like a man who's just been handed a menu he didn't know he was allowed to order from.
"You—" he starts. "Wait. I—you want me to—"
"Why not? What's the issue?"
"Because you're—" He waves a hand at me. All of me. The chest like a barrel and the arms like bridge cables and the physical reality of a man who takes up most of a king-sized bed. "You're you."
"Yes, last time I checked, I'm still me."
"And I'm—" He gestures at himself with a body that buys clothes in the boy's slim section and still has to roll the cuffs.
"Yes, you're you," I say. "You're perfect and I want you. Inside me. If you want that.Onlyif you want that though. No pressure for anything. It's only a suggestion."
He seems mystified and more than a little confused. "But you're so—"
"Big? Yes. We've established this. I'm a large man. It's been noted. It's on my driver's license under the section where they list things that are obvious."
He's grinning now. "Tex, come on. You're joking about this."
"Stormy."
"I'm being serious, Tex."
"So am I." I roll onto my side, facing him. My hand finds his face. The line of his jaw. "Listen to me. I've been thinking about this. I've been thinking about it since the first time you touched me. And what I keep coming back to is that you have spent your entire life having choices taken away from you. What you eat, where you sleep, who touches you, how they touch you, when they stop. None of that was ever yours. And I'm not going to be another man who decides what happens to your body. I'm not going to be the one who says this is how it works because I'm bigger. That's not my playbook. This isn't a power struggle."
His eyes are bright. Not tears, not yet, but the shimmer that comes before them. The film of water that turns his eyes luminous.
"This way," I say, "you're in charge. Completely. You set the pace and everything else. You decide when and how and how fast and if it's too much you stop. You're not underneath someone. You're not pinned down or trapped. You're on top and you're driving and I'm the one who's trusting you. And I do trust you. Completely."
"Have you done this before?" he asks.
