“If you know something…”
“I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But I thought—I thought there was a possibility that the king’s illness might not have been the sailor’s malady.”
He dropped her arm, stepping back as if scalded. “Poison? My God, you thought the king had been poisoned, and you said nothing to me?”
She bristled at the accusation in his voice. “Because I know you would react exactly the way you are now. I knew you would blame my family.”
He made a harsh scoffing sound. “Why the hell would I do that? Maybe because they were guilty?”
He couldn’t believe he’d trusted her. He hadn’t questioned her conclusion about the king’s illness at all, but had accepted what she’d said without thought. If he’d known, he would have been on his guard. What had happened in the mountains could have been avoided.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have said something, but—”
“But you didn’t trust me.”
“You aren’t exactly rational when it comes to my brothers. And I wasn’t the only one who was keeping secrets.”
He ignored the quip about the Highland Guard—warranted or not. “By God, you are still defending them?”
Their eyes met. He stood there, blood pounding through his veins, trying to keep a rein on his temper and not saying something he would regret.
But it wasn’t necessary. She could see it.
He saw her sharp intake of breath. “You still haven’t forgiven me. Not for any of it. For choosing them over you. For marrying William. For doing what you had to do to protect me.”
“Not now, Helen.” He seethed between clenched teeth. He was trying, damn it. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“That’s the problem. You never want to talk about this. And never will.”
His eyes narrowed at the finality in her voice. “What do you mean? We have plenty of time to talk. For God’s sake, I asked you to marry me, what more do you want?”
She held his gaze for one moment before looking away.
Oh God. His chest squeezed with disbelief—with memory.“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
He knew what she was going to say before she spoke. “I love you, Magnus, but I won’t marry you. Not like this.”
He couldn’t help himself. He was so angry, he grabbed her. How could she do this? How could she refuse himagain, after all that they’d been through? His heart hammered. “What do you mean, ‘not like this’?”
“I won’t spend the rest of my life putting myself between you and my brothers.” Tears streamed from her eyes. “Nor will I spend it with a ghost.”
Whether he’d let her go or she’d wrenched away, he didn’t know, but the next moment she was walking away. And as before, he didn’t go after her. He stood there with acid pouring down his chest, leaving him with an emptiness he’d never thought he would feel again.
She didn’t love him enough. Not then. Not now.
Helen knew she was doing the right thing, but it didn’t stop her heart from feeling as if it were being ripped in two. Slowly. Twisting and squeezing along the way.
Refusing Magnus had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. She’d loved him for so long, she’d thought nothing would make her happier than to marry him. For months it had seemed an impossible dream, with winning him back her only goal. It was strange to realize that now that she had what she wanted, it wasn’t enough.
She loved him with all her heart. But she would not live in constant fear of saying the wrong thing or evoking the wrong memory. She would not live with a ghost of guilt and blame between them.
Until he forgave himself, he would not be able to forgive her. She hoped it didn’t take him too long, but she wasn’t going to keep banging her head on a stone wall waiting for something that might never happen.
It was time for her to take control of her own happiness. To follow her own path.Carpe diem. The past few months had given her an inkling of how to do that.
With her future in her own hands, she went to find the king.
Magnus didn’t say a word as he strode across the courtyard and joined MacGregor. His friend was wise enough not to speak until they were well beyond the castle, heading north in the direction in which the castle guards had seen the scouting party ride off.
